My parents are in a business marriage. Zero love, all assets. My mom makes out with her boy toys right in front of my dad. My dad openly photoshops his "one that got away" into our family portraits and uses it as his lock screen. They didn't divorce because they wanted to give me a "complete home." But recently, the wind changed. Dad’s "one that got away" came back from overseas. Mom’s "dead" first love turned out to be alive. They started talking divorce. But they both decided to fight to the death for custody of me. In court, my mom pulled out a knife, threatening to remove her own uterus right there on the stand. My dad pulled out a pair of scissors, threatening to castrate himself. Their love for me is truly... moving. 1 When my Grandma caught us, I was reading a graphic novel on the couch, and my Mom was playing tonsil hockey with her new boy toy. Grandma was so mad she immediately called my Dad to come over. Mom didn't care at all. She continued flirting with the fresh meat. I call the new guy Uncle Kyle. When I got tired of reading, Uncle Kyle read to me. Grandma was standing there, cursing my Mom out. She called her shameless, asked her what the Sterling family ever did to her. 2 Mom wasn’t backing down. She put her hands on her hips, ready to scream back. Grandma cut her off: "Save it for when my son gets here. You two are divorcing today!" Mom rolled her eyes. "Good luck getting your son to divorce me." My parents are a corporate merger. When they got married, both families were at the top of the food chain. But soon after, my Grandpa’s business went belly up. There were a million reasons why. Mom has wanted to divorce Dad forever. They both love other people. Dad loves a poor college student he considers his "White Moonlight"—the pure, unattainable love. He photoshops her into photos of him and me. Originally, he just Photoshopped her over Mom in photos of the three of us. But I threw a fit. I didn't allow a photo without my Mom. So now, he Photoshops her standing next to us. 3 Mom loves a poor college guy too. They were first loves. But that guy joined the military, went on a spec-ops mission, and "died." So Mom only dates college boys now. I know she’s mourning her first love. My parents are very sentimental people. Dad arrived quickly. He rushed over, picked me up, kissed my cheeks, and called me his precious "Muffin." I was happy too. I hugged him and asked for a piggyback ride. Grandma immediately started in: "Richard, your wife isn't even hiding her cheating anymore! You have to divorce her! If you don't have shame, I do!" Dad looked furious: "Victoria, are you crazy? Cuckolding me in broad daylight!" Mom rolled her eyes again. "He's our daughter's manny." Dad’s attitude flipped instantly. He nodded at Uncle Kyle. "Thanks for your hard work. Take good care of Muffin. I'll give you a raise." Grandma almost had a stroke. "Richard Sterling! I want you to divorce her!" Dad looked pained. "Mom, if I divorce her, she'll steal my daughter!" Mom scoffed. "She's my daughter. Why would I give her to you?" "She's mine too!" "Bullsh*t! She came out of my body!" "Don't give me that biology crap. Since she was born, I'm the one who raised her! I changed the diapers! Now that she can run and talk, you want to claim the credit? And look how you raise her—hiring playmates? Is that how a mother acts?" Mom fired back: "Ha! You're so great, you raise her then! If you actually spent time with her, would I need to hire a manny? You're all talk." 4 I looked at Dad, then at Mom. I was about to tell them to stop fighting. But their phones rang at the exact same time. I saw the Caller ID on Dad’s phone: Vivian. "Richard, I'm back in the states. Can you pick me up at JFK?" Vivian. Dad’s White Moonlight. His eternal heartache. Dad lost his voice. On the other side, Mom suddenly choked up: "Cole... you're not dead?!" Cole. My Mom’s first love. Every Memorial Day, Mom makes me yell "Daddy" at his tombstone. Mom’s logic was that Uncle Cole died childless, so he had no one to burn offerings for him. I had to pretend to be his kid so he’d have spending money in the afterlife. 5 The silence was deafening. My parents looked at each other, then tactically looked away. I said, "Mom, Dad, I'm hungry." Grandma was livid. She cursed Dad, saying she should have given birth to a BBQ pork bun instead of him. Grandma swore they had to divorce. They took me to dinner first. Uncle Kyle took care of me on the side. He breathed quietly, smiled apologetically at Dad, bowed to Mom, and catered to my every need. At the table, I was the only one eating. My parents were on their phones—sighing, looking sad, then looking conflicted. I knew they were reminiscing about their lost loves. I felt a little bad for them. 6 After eating, the food coma hit, and I fell asleep. I felt Dad pick me up, and I slept soundly in his arms. I woke up in the afternoon. I yawned, climbed out of bed, drank a big glass of water, and went downstairs. Downstairs, my parents were negotiating the divorce. Dad said, "Vivian is back. I have to give her a home." Mom didn't mock him this time. She looked sorrowful. "Cole isn't dead. He was deep undercover all these years. He survived because of his love for me. I can't let him down." They spoke in unison: "The daughter..." Then silence. Dad spoke first: "I'll give you half my personal assets. You keep all the joint marital assets. You leave Muffin with me. You're young, you can have another one." Mom said: "I'll leave with nothing. I'll pay you $30k a month in alimony. Give me Muffin." Both of them sneered at the same time: "Keep dreaming! Scumbag!" 7 The vibe in the house shifted. Before, they wanted a divorce. Mom would kiss a boy toy, Dad would scream divorce. Dad would cry over his photoshop collection, apologize to "Vivian," and Mom would scream divorce. But they always stopped when it came to custody. They knew the other person was trash. No compromise possible. Now, they were raising the stakes, desperate to divorce and keep me.
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