Before high school graduation, I gave the boy I secretly loved a jar of hand-folded paper stars. At the graduation party, my heart was full of hope, ready to confess my feelings. But just outside the private room, I heard him complaining to his friends. "In this day and age, who gives folded stars as a gift? It's so cheap and tacky." His friend laughed. "Why is it that Lily gave the gift, but you're the one embarrassed? Want me to throw it away for you?" "Sure!" Caleb didn't hesitate for a second. He tossed the jar to his friend. And his eyes met mine, standing just outside the door. I watched quietly as his smile faded, then I turned and walked away. Years later, old classmates told me Caleb spent ten years looking for me. Chapter 1 Caleb probably never expected that I, the subject of his ridicule, would overhear his conversation. So when the waiter opened the door, the smile on his face froze instantly. His friend saw me and immediately wiped the smirk off his face. He placed the jar of stars back in front of Caleb. "After all, it's Lily's heartfelt gift. It wouldn't be right to throw it away." Caleb looked distressed, not knowing how to explain himself. Every single star in that jar had a note written inside. I squeezed out time every night before bed to fold them. Nine hundred and ninety-nine stars in total. Actually, there was something else inside—a necklace, buried under the stars. The necklace wasn't expensive, maybe fifty bucks, but I saved up for a long time, skipping meals to buy it. But he surely wouldn't care for it. After all, Caleb came from a wealthy family, while I was just a girl from the countryside. My monthly living expenses weren't even a fraction of his pocket change. I stepped forward and took back the jar of stars. "Sorry, I'll throw it away myself." I grabbed my things, turned, and walked out of the private room. I left the restaurant and headed straight for the nearest dumpster. I stopped and instinctively looked back. I saw Caleb had chased after me, but he stopped at the restaurant entrance. My emotions were a mess. It felt like someone had ripped away my dignity, leaving me exposed and pathetic. Especially Caleb's casual, mocking tone—it made me feel incredibly ashamed. Hardening my heart, I tossed the jar into the trash can and walked away without looking back. My two-year crush ended with an imperfect period. I didn't expect this one incident to plant a thorn in my heart that would fester for years, impossible to remove. After throwing away the stars, I didn't return to the restaurant. I went home. The dinner was split-bill. I didn't have much money and hadn't planned to go, but I wanted to confess to Caleb, so I showed up. Chapter 2 Luckily, I found out he didn't like me before I confessed. Otherwise, being rejected in front of everyone would have been so embarrassing. Back home, Dad wasn't back from work yet. Mom was making dinner. I hurried to help, adding firewood to the stove. Seeing me, Mom was surprised. "Sweetie, weren't you at the graduation dinner? Why are you back?" I smiled and explained, "What's there to celebrate? It was boring, so I came back." Mom asked anxiously, "Did you not have enough money? I'll go get some for you!" She wiped her wet hands on her apron. I quickly stopped her. "No, Mom. I just felt it was meaningless. We probably won't contact each other for a hundred years after graduation. The food isn't even that good, and it's a waste of money. I'd rather eat with you and Dad." Mom didn't insist, continuing with dinner. I threw wood into the stove. The fire roared to life, warming my face. "Mom, when I get into a good college and find a good job, I'll bring you and Dad to live in the city." I started daydreaming and planning the future. Mom listened and kept saying okay. A table full of dishes was ready, just waiting for Dad. Usually, he would have been home by now. Mom looked worried too. "I'll go to the construction site and check," I said, getting up. Just as I was about to leave, Uncle Liu from the village came running in a panic. "Bad news! Bad news! Brother Li was hit by a steel plate at the site!" When Uncle Liu took Mom and me to the hospital, the doctor told us they had done their best. Hundreds of pounds of steel had crushed my dad, causing massive internal bleeding. Mom fainted upon hearing the news. Seeing Dad's body, I burst into tears, throwing myself on him and shaking him. "Dad, wake up! Didn't you want to see me get into college?" But he wouldn't wake up. Suddenly, screams came from the hallway, followed by a loud "thud." "Someone jumped! Someone jumped off the building!" people shouted in panic. I was drowning in the pain of losing my father. Not long after, Uncle Liu rushed back, looking lost. He said to me, "Lily, your mom jumped." It turned out the person who jumped was my mother. I heard the news with strange calmness. Tears fell one by one, unstoppable. I experienced so much in one day. I learned the person I liked never liked me back. And I lost both parents instantly, becoming an orphan. I knew Mom couldn't handle the blow of Dad leaving. Although we were poor, they loved each other deeply. Mom had always been in poor health and needed medication long-term. Dad loved Mom dearly, never letting her work or suffer. He worked construction just because the wages were slightly higher. My dad's name was Li Hua (Flower), my mom's name was Wang Ci (Kindness), so my name is Li Aici (Love Kindness/Lily). They loved me too, giving me the best of everything they could. I used to have a loving mom and dad, a happy home. Chapter 3 But now, I had nothing. For the next few days, I was like a walking corpse, calmly handling my parents' funeral. I hadn't slept for days. My eyelids were fighting a losing battle. I was so tired. So I lay down in the cornfield and fell asleep instantly. In my dream, I was reunited with Mom and Dad. I came home from school. Mom was cooking dinner in the kitchen, smiling and telling me to wash my hands. At the table, Mom kept putting food in my bowl, and Dad sipped his little cup of wine. Life was hard, but being together was happy. Just as the three of us were happily eating, the scene changed abruptly. I saw Dad lying quietly on the operating table, un-wakeable. I saw Mom jump from the roof, blood flowing. I was plunged into darkness, screaming helplessly. The sweet dream turned into a suffocating nightmare. "Mom! Dad!" I snapped my eyes open, screaming hysterically. Only the air answered me. I wasn't on the hard ground anymore, but in a soft bed. I sat up, gasping for air. My pajamas were soaked in sweat. Slowly, I came back to reality. It had been ten years. The eighteen-year-old girl was now twenty-eight. I had this dream almost every day. In the dream, there was Caleb's disdainful mockery, the reunion with my parents, and the sudden separation by death. I lived through joys and sorrows in my dreams, over and over. Sometimes I couldn't even tell if I was living in reality or a fantasy. The ticking of the wall clock was loud in the silent night. I turned on the lamp, picked up the sleeping pills on the nightstand, and sighed deeply. Failed again. I've lost count of how many times I've failed to kill myself. After my parents left, I took my dad's worker's compensation and went to college in another city. Later, the government built a highway and took the village land. Every household, including mine, got a large demolition compensation. But I couldn't feel happy at all. I became more silent, unable to sleep night after night. After graduation, my mental state wasn't fit for work. Finally, on the advice of a community worker, I saw a psychiatrist. The doctor said the events when I was eighteen caused deep repression, trapping me in a maze I couldn't escape. The final diagnosis was somatic symptom disorder with fatigue and depression. The psychiatrist played soft music and started chatting with me. "Lily, actually, you can try distracting yourself with life." I didn't understand him. I looked puzzled. "Distracting myself with life?" Chapter 4 The psychiatrist nodded. "For example, raise a cute pet. That way, your attention will naturally focus on the animal." I was silent for a minute, then sighed deeply. I was barely alive myself; where would I find the energy to raise a cute animal? "Buddhism says ten years is a cycle of reincarnation. I've been chanting and praying for my parents for ten years. Do you think they should have reincarnated by now?" I asked casually. Yes, after receiving the demolition money, I suddenly became rich. But with my parents gone, what use was money? My college roommate told me to find something to pin my hopes on. So I often went to the temple to pray, hoping my parents would have a better next life. I continued, "It's time for me to go back and see them." Our home had become a highway. I had settled my parents in the nearest cemetery. I hadn't gone back once in ten years. I didn't dare to. The psychiatrist handed me the medicine, instructing, "Remember to take your meds on time." I thanked him and took the medicine. I asked with a smile, "We've known each other for almost five years, right?" The doctor nodded. "Mmh." I didn't say anything else and got up to leave. "Li Aici." The doctor called out to me as I was opening the door. I stopped and turned around. He looked at me meaningfully, then smiled gently. "I'll wait for you to come back from your hometown. I still have many days of chatting left with you." I didn't answer him. I opened the door and left. I weighed the bag of medicine in my hand. It felt heavier. Seems my condition is getting worse. I had my ID with me when I left the house, so after leaving the hospital, I went straight to the airport and bought the earliest ticket home. As soon as I got on the plane, I fell asleep again. In the dream, my parents and I were sitting under the big tree in front of our house, cooling off. We saw a plane flying overhead. "That plane is so small. Wonder what it feels like to sit inside," Mom asked. She was a born-and-raised country woman, uneducated, illiterate. The farthest place she had been was the town hospital. She had never been to an airport. I smiled and explained, "It looks small in the sky, but it's huge on the ground. When I have money, I'll take you guys on a plane." Mom looked happy and expectant, then worried. "But I heard tickets are super expensive." I patted my chest. "I'll be rich then, so tickets won't be expensive." After landing, I transferred to a high-speed train back to the small town. Ten years had passed. The town had changed a lot. The roads were wider, high-rises had been built. I couldn't find the look of my memories. I took a taxi straight to the cemetery. I bought a paper villa, a paper car, and lots of gold and silver ingots at a funeral supply store, then went to my parents' grave. "Mom, Dad, I'm here to see you." I lit the paper money and placed it on the paper house. The fire roared to life instantly. "Sorry I haven't come to see you for ten years. For ten years, day after day, I dream that you're still here, the three of us eating together." "Mom, Dad, you always said the big city is great. But I don't think so. Every time I go home, it's cold and lonely. I have no friends." "Ten years is a cycle. I wonder how you are now? I miss you. Can I come accompany you?" The fire burned the paper money, baking the tears streaming down my face.
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