For three years, I was the perfect girlfriend to Julian. I never checked his phone, never cared how many "female friends" he entertained, and never fought with him no matter how late he stayed out partying. Julian was proud of this. He bragged to his boys about how much I loved him. Until one day, he accidentally stumbled upon an old, private social media account dedicated to my first love. Back then, I was petty, jealous, and completely emotionally unstable. In one video, my first love laughed helplessly and asked: "Why do you have such a temper?" I answered righteously: "I only get mad because I love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't give a damn." Julian froze. 1. When I bumped into Julian at the club, a girl in a spaghetti strap top and hot pants was sitting on his lap. Her pale, slender arms were wrapped around his neck, and her lips, coated in glittery gloss, were curved into a flirtatious smile as she leaned in close. The married guys in the VIP booth were already standing up, apologizing to Julian with awkward smiles. "Sorry, Julian, gotta bounce. The wife's on patrol tonight. She's called like five times already. If I don't get home now, I'm sleeping on the couch." Julian let the girl pluck the cigarette from his mouth and put it in her own. He scoffed. "Useless. All of you, whipped by women." The single guys started jeering. "That's why Julian's the king. Doesn't matter what time he gets home, the wifey never checks up on him. Teach us your ways, bro! How do you train them like that?" The girl in his arms giggled, pressing her chest against him. "Yeah, Julian. Aren't you afraid your girlfriend will see us like this and get mad?" Julian played with her hair, a smug look crossing his face. "She loves me to death. Whatever I say goes. We've been together three years, and she hasn't started a single fight." "Damn! Legend!" The guys laughed, envious. "Julian plays around all these years and she doesn't say a word? That's a real man right there—" His sentence cut off abruptly. He saw me standing nearby, expressionless. Julian saw me too. He didn't look flustered at all. He just pushed the girl off his lap, raised an eyebrow, and waved me over. "When did you get here?" I paused, then walked over. My voice was calm. "Just got here. With friends." The girl who was pushed away looked sour. She looked me up and down and forced a smile. "Hi, Chloe." Only when I got closer did I recognize her. It was Mia, the new secretary at Julian's company. Just a fresh grad from a state college. Julian had personally hired her after seeing her photo on her resume. Didn't think he'd get his hands on her this fast. I ignored her. Julian looked like he'd had quite a few. His beautiful peach-blossom eyes were watery and dangerously attractive under the dim lights. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me close. "Didn't even tell me you were coming out. Give me a kiss." He leaned toward the corner of my mouth. I instinctively dodged. I didn't know if he'd kissed Mia just now. I felt gross. Julian's expression changed. The smile vanished from his lips. Even though he was the one sitting, he looked at me with a gaze that felt condescending. "Chloe, what's that mean?" I turned my head slightly and said softly, "You're drunk." "You disgusted by me?" Maybe because I embarrassed him in front of his friends, Julian's eyes turned cold. He suddenly grabbed Mia, pulled her back onto his lap, and pressed his hand against the back of her head. Mia looked delighted and accepted his kiss obediently. Just like that, right in front of me, they exchanged a wet, deep kiss. When Mia pulled away gasping ten seconds later, a thin silver thread of saliva connected their lips. She looked at me, a triumphant smirk on her face. Julian looked at me provocatively. His friends went silent, their eyes fixed on me. No woman could tolerate her boyfriend making out with another woman right in front of her. They probably thought I was finally going to snap. I just looked Julian in the eye and said indifferently, "You're drunk. I'm leaving." As I walked away, I heard his friends gasping in amazement. "Damn, Chloe is so chill. She's not even mad!" "Julian really has her trained. She's probably terrified of getting dumped." "That's true love right there. I heard she chased Julian for a whole year back in the day. Obedient as a dog. Deeply in love!" Julian laughed, a sound full of contempt. "She can't leave me. She doesn't dare get mad." The winter air was sharp as a knife. It had started snowing outside without me noticing. The flakes drifted down, dyed red by taillights one moment, yellow by streetlamps the next. I tightened my scarf, leaned against a wall, and lit a cigarette. The menthol smoke mixed with the cold air, stinging my lungs as I inhaled. This was my first love's favorite brand. Back when we were together, I used to pester him to let me try. He'd scold me every time: "Chloe, are you crazy? If I catch you smoking, I'll break your legs!" The day we broke up, I bought a pack myself. I coughed while I smoked. After that, no one was there to stop me, so I learned. I rarely smoke these years. But sometimes, when the emotions hit, I can't control it. Watching Julian kiss someone else didn't make me angry. Because I don't love him at all. 2. Getting together with Julian started with me chasing him. The first time I saw Julian was at the opening of a new bar. He was there as an investor. The table in front of him was full of expensive bottles, and the beauties around him were giggling at his jokes. That face attracted the gaze of every girl in the room. I remember a lot of people went to ask for his WeChat. I went too. Lots of people liked Julian, but I was the one who persisted the longest. For a year, I was at his beck and call. One word from him, and I'd appear in front of him no matter how far away I was. Julian's playboy reputation was legendary in our circle. He never had a shortage of women. Even if he had just finished hooking up with someone else, I'd pick him up with a single phone call. I asked nothing, said nothing, just made him hangover soup. Everyone thought I loved him to the bone. They said the Zhong family was embarrassing—going bankrupt was bad enough, but their only daughter was so bewitched by the He family's youngest son that she was willing to be his doormat. The catalyst for us getting together was a night we both got drunk and confusedly rolled into the same bed. I only remember Julian was very rough that night. I cried a lot, holding onto him and sobbing. The next morning, Julian looked at the marks on my body and my swollen eyes. Maybe he felt a rare pang of softness. He lit a cigarette and asked casually: "Do you want to be with me?" "Let's get one thing straight," he said, biting the cigarette filter. "Don't try to control me. I hate women who manage me." I stared at the duvet on my chest for a while, then said: "Okay." Julian always thought I was crying tears of joy that night. He didn't know that day was my first love's birthday. His profile looked so much like him. At the party earlier, I spotted him in the crowd instantly. In the dim light that night, for a moment, I felt like he had returned to me. ... I was with Xavier from the time I was seventeen until we broke up when I was twenty-five. Almost ten years. He was the only scholarship student at our private high school, recruited for his grades. I heard his family used to be well-off, but his father was backstabbed by a business partner. After going bankrupt, his father couldn't take the blow and committed suicide. His mother, already in poor health, died of depression soon after. Overnight, he went from a pampered young master to a destitute orphan. But Xavier bounced back fast. He was never humble nor arrogant. Even in a private school full of rich kids, he maintained the top grades and was voted Student Council President. Who wouldn't like someone like him? I confessed to him many times and got rejected every time. But I never gave up. I kept liking him. Many girls liked him, but they all gave up after his rejections. Only I persevered. Finally, on the eve of graduation, when I confessed for the sixth time, Xavier sighed helplessly and asked: "What exactly do you like about me?" My face flushed. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked at him stubbornly. I didn't know if I was angry or sad. I just knew I liked Xavier. There was no why. Sometimes, liking someone doesn't need a reason. "I just like you! I like everything about you!" Xavier looked complicated. After a long time, he whispered: "But I have nothing. I can't give you anything. Do you still like me like that?" I shouted: "Yes! Xavier, even though I like you, I have limits too! If you don't say yes this time, I'm never asking you again!" Xavier looked at me for a long time, then let out a long breath, like he was resigned, or maybe surrendering. After a while, he gently hugged me. "What a dummy." My eyes widened. My heart skipped a beat, then started pounding violently. That was the first time I knew what euphoria felt like. It turns out when people are happy, fireworks really do go off in their hearts. After that, Xavier and I were together. He had great grades; mine weren't as good. To be with me, he skipped two major questions on the college entrance exam just to get into the same university as me. When I found out, I cried like a baby. He just held me and laughed. "Dummy, why are you crying? College is college. Don't worry, I won't let you suffer in the future." He didn't make empty promises. Xavier started his own business in his sophomore year. He opened a company with friends and made his first bucket of gold. By graduation, he had already bought a large flat in the city center, decorated in my favorite style, intending it to be our marital home. Everything was going smoothly. Our future plans only included each other. Neither of us doubted we would make it to the end. Until after graduation, when I took him home to meet my parents. Then I saw my dad's face change dramatically. Xavier swayed on his feet, his face turning pale inch by inch. Later I learned that my dad was the partner who backstabbed Xavier's father, causing his family's ruin. Life is absurd like that. Because my dad was always away on business, Xavier had never seen him before. None of us predicted this possibility. That day, my dad asked my mom and me to leave the room so he could talk to Xavier alone. Not long after, Xavier left without saying goodbye. He went abroad. He didn't leave me a single word. The person who would cross half of China just because I said I missed him, who promised to love me forever, who knelt on one knee with red eyes asking me to marry him, saying he finally had a home with me... he abandoned me just like that. And I couldn't even hate him. Because my dad ruined him. Who wouldn't hate that? If it were me, I'd hate it too. Maybe it was karma. After that, my dad's investments failed, he committed suicide, and my family went bankrupt. But Xavier thrived abroad. He had a great eye for investment and rode the wave. In just a few years, his company rang the bell at Nasdaq, and he became a famous tech mogul. The tables turned. We had no contact. And we couldn't possibly have any contact. So when I saw Julian, I felt my dead heart beat again after a long time. For me, does it matter who I'm with? Julian looks so much like Xavier. For me, that's already a gift from heaven. For that face, I was obedient to him for years, always on call. I was always there when he needed me. No matter how late he was out, one call and I'd get out of bed to pick him up from another woman. He didn't remember my birthday or our anniversary. Even on my birthday, he didn't come home, playing around outside with new girls. Julian was a famous playboy. He knew how to play and loved to play. He changed women faster than clothes. I knew his reputation before my family went bankrupt. After getting together with me, he didn't restrain himself at all. Several times, girls came directly to me to cause trouble. I could tell he wanted to break up with me several times, using these incidents as an excuse, but I never got jealous, never made a scene. Over time, he got used to my presence. He and his friends thought I loved him to the bone, loved him too humbly. Actually, I really just didn't care. I just wanted to see that face in my dreams occasionally. Imagining Xavier was still by my side. Relying on this, I could keep going. 3. It was Julian's friend's birthday. He called everyone in the circle for dinner. Everyone brought a plus-one, so Julian brought me. But I didn't expect Mia to be there too. She naturally sat next to Julian. And she asked me: "Chloe, you don't mind if I sit here, right?" Julian looked at me. I didn't make a sound. His smile faded. He sneered and put his arm around Mia. Mia seemed to really like Julian. Throughout the meal, she toasted him frequently, whispering things to him, occasionally laughing at his jokes and leaning on him. I wasn't angry at all. I sat quietly on the side, eating. One of Julian's friends tsk-tsked enviously and said to his girlfriend: "Look how generous she is. Unlike you, getting jealous over every little thing. Learn from her!" His girlfriend was drunk. She scoffed: "I care because I like you! If I didn't like you, I wouldn't give a damn!" Maybe it was a coincidence, but after she said that, the whole room went quiet. Julian clearly heard it too. The smile was still on his face, but the hand holding his glass tightened until his veins popped. His friend froze, then quickly apologized with a smile: "My girl drank too much. Sorry, Julian, she didn't mean it." His girlfriend started apologizing too. Julian didn't say anything. His gaze fell on me. I turned my head, avoiding his eyes. He suddenly asked me: "You aren't angry at all?" "What is there to be angry about?" I was confused. "Isn't this the freedom you wanted?" I get to see this face all the time. And he gets the freedom he wants. Each takes what they need. What's wrong with that? After all, when Julian agreed to be with me, he warned me not to control him. He's never stopped seeing women all these years. I thought this was the dynamic he liked. Julian seemed unhappy. He got closer to Mia. She was practically sitting on his lap. They French-kissed right in front of me. Completely disregarding me, his girlfriend. Others were used to it. A few looked at me with pity. I scrolled through my phone photos to kill time, waiting for it to end so I could go home. After a few rounds of drinks, Mia got bold. Maybe she finally couldn't resist wanting to take the main spot. She looked me over and nitpicked: "Using an iPhone 12 in this day and age? How retro." I ignored her, but she got more excited. "I forgot what an iPhone 12 looked like. It's an antique, right? I'm actually curious. Sister, show me your phone?" "No." I gripped my phone tight. "Julian~ Let me see Chloe's phone. It's just a phone, what's there to hide?" Seeing I didn't speak, Julian frowned: "She wants to see it, just show her." "No." I refused again. "Julian~" Mia acted coquettish, holding his arm. Maybe feeling embarrassed by my rejection, Julian's face went cold. He reached out his hand: "Phone." I didn't say a word. "What's in the phone?" Mia added fuel to the fire. "Something shameful?" Julian's eyes darkened. He came over to grab my phone directly. "What are you doing?!" I was startled. In the struggle, the phone fell. I instinctively pushed Julian away to catch it. His lower back hit the corner of the table. He grunted in pain and cursed me: "Are you crazy, Chloe?! It's just a broken phone. If it breaks, I'll buy you a new one—" The next second, he looked at the video playing on the screen, and all his words stopped abruptly. The video I had just been watching was playing again. It was from when I was still with Xavier. I was lying on his back. I didn't know he was recording me. I was pouting and scolding him. "Why did you talk so much to that girl today?!" Xavier laughed helplessly: "She's the Vice President of the Student Council. We were talking about business. You, seriously, how are you such a vinegar jar (jealous person) every day?" I got angrier: "I get jealous because I like you! If I didn't like you, I wouldn't care if you died!" Xavier laughed and hoisted me up higher. "Okay, okay, you like me. I should be happy, right?" I poked him while lying on his back: "From now on, you're not allowed to talk to other women, not allowed to add other women on WeChat, not allowed to like anyone else!" "Okay, I'll listen to you. Where did you get such a bad temper..." The video continued. I picked up the phone and turned it off. Julian held his pose, motionless. No one expected things to develop like this. It went quiet. Eyes fell on us. The next second, Julian suddenly snatched the phone and smashed it onto the ground! Crack! Instinctively, I slapped Julian across the face and bent down frantically to pick up the phone. This was the last memory Xavier left me. The phone was shattered beyond recognition. The screen went completely black. I grabbed the phone, then realized what happened. I turned to look at Julian. That slap wasn't very hard. But Julian froze. He didn't even cover his face. He just stood there staring at me blankly, looking confused, like he didn't know me anymore. Everyone was shocked. No one dared to make a sound. You could hear a pin drop. I regretted it a little, but inexplicably felt relieved. Actually, I didn't mean to hit Julian. It was just a reflex. At this point, I knew it was impossible with Julian. I picked up my bag and left. As I walked out the door, I sent Julian one last message. "Let's break up." 4. I walked aimlessly on the street, but suddenly saw a familiar back at the corner! In that instant, the sound of traffic vanished. I only heard my heart stop for a beat, then thunder in my chest! That back looked so much like Xavier. But when I rushed over, he had disappeared into the crowd, nowhere to be found. I stood there lost for a while, until a car honked behind me, urging me to move. I turned away blankly. This winter seemed to have an unusual amount of snow. After sitting in the park for a while, I felt a slight coolness on my eyelashes. I realized belatedly that everything around me was white. I curled up slowly, not wanting to leave. I didn't know where to go. After my dad died, my mom remarried quickly and went abroad. I had no home. Xavier once gave me a home, then left me alone. With Julian? That wasn't a home. I had places to stay, but no home to return to. Wetness streamed down my cheeks. I wiped it gently and was about to get up when a shadow fell over me. I thought Julian had come out to find me. But when I looked up, my breath stopped instantly. The face that had appeared in my dreams countless times crossed the boundary between fantasy and reality, appearing right before my eyes. And I couldn't tell dream from reality. My fingers trembled, but I didn't dare touch him. Xavier had snow in his eyes, slowly melting. For a moment, I thought the him from my memories, the one who loved me, had returned. He said gently: "I'm back." ... I forgot how I got back to Xavier's place. I only remember I kept crying, clinging to him tightly, refusing to come down. Until he helplessly held me on the bed, patting my back. "Stop crying. I'm not running away. You'll get a headache if you cry anymore." I couldn't even speak properly. I looked up, sobbing intermittently: "When did you come back?" "A few months ago." I paused, then cried louder: "Then why did you only find me now?!" Xavier lowered his eyes. There was a complexity in them I couldn't understand. "I heard you were in a relationship. I didn't know if I should disturb you." "Then why did you come?" "Couldn't help it." He seemed to finally admit defeat: "I can't forget you, Chloe. I can't let you go. "I missed you so much it hurt. I surrender. I have no choice." My hand paused. I sat up. Xavier leaned down. In the cold winter night, with snow falling heavily, this long-overdue kiss was scorching hot. Neither of us spoke again. We had been together too long; even our tacit understanding was too perfect. No one needed to say anything more. We didn't even have a moment of unfamiliarity. We knew each other's bodies too well. It had nothing to do with lust, only longing and possession. When I frowned, I held him almost in panic, afraid this was just a dream. Then I found he held me even tighter. In the trembling that bordered on pain, we finally confirmed each other's existence again. When I woke up, the sky was bright. Snow was still falling outside the window. Dark clouds pressed low, making everything hazy. The bed beside me was empty. I was startled. I clutched my chest and stumbled up. Just as I was about to go out, I bumped into Xavier coming back. The light in the room was dim. His sculpted features were shadowed. Maybe because the exercise was too intense, his M-shaped lips were flushed red, impossibly handsome. I breathed a sigh of relief and grabbed his forearm. "I thought..." Thought I was dreaming. In the years apart, I had too many dreams about him. But the happier the dream, the more lost I felt upon waking. Leaning into his arms for a long time, I finally summoned the courage: "Are you leaving again this time? About my dad..." Xavier rested his chin on my head. After a long silence, he finally spoke: "Back then, I couldn't accept it immediately. I couldn't help it. I didn't know what to do. I really hated him, and consequently, I couldn't help but hate you too. All these years abroad, I hated you while loving you. I was going crazy. I saw a psychiatrist, but I couldn't help it. "I kept dreaming of you," he held my hand, his voice soft. "I dreamed of you crying and asking me, 'Xavier, why don't you want me anymore?' My heart hurt so much. I'd wake up and smoke all night. I didn't know what to do. Chloe, what could I do?" "Later, I slowly figured it out. Your dad is your dad, you are you. What your dad did has nothing to do with you. And now your dad is gone too. I'm willing to let it go. Let's start over, okay?" He slowly tightened his embrace: "I'm not leaving. Never leaving again. That old apartment was bad memories. I bought a new house. Let's decorate it from scratch, okay?" My vision blurred with tears. I hugged his arm tight. "Okay." The sun broke through the clouds. The snow stopped sometime ago. My sky finally brightened.
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