I am a Z-list celebrity. A total nobody in Hollywood. On my 22nd birthday, I hopped on a livestream to celebrate with my tiny fanbase and decided to jump on a TikTok trend: "First toast to myself: When I was six, I annoyed my brother during a family trip, and he beat me up. When we got home, my parents didn't scold him; instead, they yelled at me for hours." The comments section instantly flooded with [Generational Trauma] and [Justice for Luna]. Just then, my brother walked by, deadpan, and stared into the camera. "Are you talking about the fishing trip? You insisted on catching fish in the deep end and drowned. You were blue when I pulled you out. I was giving you CPR and chest compressions to save your life, and when you woke up, you asked if I was using your chest as a punching bag." The comments exploded: [LMAO, has Bro not escaped his toxic family yet?] 1 As a Hollywood newbie and a transparent Z-lister, I’ve spent two years playing background extras—corpses, maids, pedestrians. I have a few fans, and I cherish them. My 22nd birthday coincided with wrapping a small supporting role. My character died early, so I was unemployed again. I went home to celebrate. I lit the candles, played a fan-made tribute video, and felt genuinely touched. Being loved by strangers is a precious thing. Then came the "Real Talk" segment. I poured coconut water into a wine glass, swirling it pretentiously like a Napa Valley sommelier. "First toast to myself," I began, channeling my inner storyteller. "Six years old. I annoyed my brother. He beat me up. Parents yelled at me. Trauma." The chat rolled by: [What kind of parenting is that?] [Omg Luna, come to my house, I’ll treat you right.] [Wait, who is the hottie in the background?] Liam, my brother, had just walked in. He paused, realized he was on camera, and delivered his rebuttal about saving my life, not beating me up. "I almost became an only child that day," he deadpanned. I paused. My memory was fuzzy. I only remembered the chest pain and the yelling. "Is that what happened?" I asked, my confidence wavering. "Mom, Dad, and I didn't bring it up because we didn't want you to have PTSD. And you’ve held a grudge for sixteen years?" "..." I pushed Liam out of the frame, refilled my coconut water, and pivoted. "Second toast to myself. Middle school. To improve my grades, I set an alarm for 5 AM every day, even in winter. Hard work pays off." A ghostly voice drifted from off-camera: "You mean when you were twelve, set an alarm for 5 AM, got scared of the dark, and ran into my room to wake me up to study with you?" "You were a senior! Waking up early is good for you!" I argued, though my voice was getting smaller. "I fell asleep in AP Calc because of you," Liam retorted. "That's why I started locking my door." I cleared my throat. "Third toast to myself. High school graduation. I fell for my gaming duo partner. I finally gathered the courage to confess my love, and he blocked me instantly." A cold scoff echoed from the hallway. "Luna, did you forget you were using my account? That was my gaming buddy. You borrowed my account for the summer, confessed to him, and he thought I was hitting on him. He panicked and blocked me. You ruined my reputation in the gaming community." "..." The chat was unreadable. It was just a wall of [HAHAHAHAHA]. Finally, one comment stuck: [Bro is fighting for his life in this family.] 2 The "toast" was a disaster. After ending the stream, I started punching Liam’s arm. "Liam! I was live! Could you not save me a little face?" "I did," he smirked. "If I didn't hold back, you’d be cancelled by now." Drama queen. He gets that from our mother. "It's my birthday. Can't you let me win once?" He tossed a small velvet box at me. It landed perfectly in my lap. "Here. I let you win." I opened it. It was the diamond bracelet I’d been eyeing for months. "Brother!" I shrieked, making a heart with my hands. "You are the best, most generous brother in the world! Being your sister is my greatest honor! When I win an Oscar, you’ll be first in my speech!" Liam checked my forehead for a fever. "Go to sleep, Luna. Stop dreaming." The next morning, I was woken up by my agent, Lisa, screaming. "Luna! You're trending!" I shot up. Did I get cancelled? Did they find my burner account? I clicked the link. A clip of my livestream had gone viral. Not just me—Liam too. [LMAO having a sister like this is like owning a husky. Pure chaos.] [Who is the brother? He’s hot.] [New industry plants? I’m listening.] [I want the brother as my husband and the sister as my wife.] "Luna, are you listening?" Lisa barked. "Huh? Yeah." "A new variety show wants you. And your brother. It's Family Ties, produced by director Sam Cohen. Big budget. Big stars. This is your shot." "Does Liam have to go?" "Yes. Ask him. Heck, ask him if he wants to sign with me." Liam owns a photography studio. He’s a boss. He wasn't interested. That night, he came home with late-night kebabs. "Want some?" "I have to watch my figure." "Please, like you don't eat junk when I'm not looking." I grabbed a skewer. "Liam, we're famous." "I know," he said, looking bored. "Clients today asked for selfies." "Can you help your little sister out?" I massaged his calf. "There's a variety show..." "What's the catch?" "They want you too." He scoffed. "I knew it. You want to ride my coattails." But after a night of flattery and begging, he agreed. 3 The show was called My Kin & I. It was a live-streamed reality show, meaning no editing to hide our true personalities. On filming day, Liam wore a white shirt with a red rose embroidered on it. He looked more like a celebrity than I did. "Bro, it's a family show, not The Bachelor." He ignored me. We arrived at a villa in the countryside. The cast list was intimidating. First, the power couple: A-list actor Hayden Cole and his wife, singer Chloe Xu. They were the industry’s golden couple. Next, veteran actor Zack Zimmer and his adorable 4-year-old daughter, Mia. Then, us. "Hi, I'm rookie actress Luna Lane." "I'm Liam Lane, photographer." Finally, the heavy hitter. Vivian Jiang. The legendary actress who retired years ago. She was practically royalty. She walked in looking elegant as ever, followed by a tall, handsome young man with glasses. "Hello everyone," Vivian smiled. "This is my son, Julian Jiang." 4 The internet probably broke right then. Vivian Jiang had a grown son? Julian was dressed in all black, wearing semi-rimless glasses. He had his mother’s soulful eyes but a sharper, colder jawline. He looked smart, stoic, and expensive. "I'm Julian," he said simply. "I work in game development." We all sat around a large table. The director announced, "Welcome to My Kin & I. Treat this like your own home. Relax." Hayden Cole laughed. "If it's my own home, can I take my shirt off?" The chat went wild: [DO IT.] Chloe Xu elbowed her husband. We settled in. The director announced lunch. "Since this is your home, you have to cook. We provide ingredients, but you have to win games to pick them." First game: The "How well do you know your partner?" challenge. Hayden and Chloe went first. Question: "Who fell in love first?" They both wrote their own names. Fail. Zack and Mia were up. "Who does Daddy love most?" Zack wrote: Wife and Mia. Mia wrote: Mommy. They argued with the director until he gave them the point for cuteness. Then, us. Director: "Who do you love more, Mom or Dad?" Me: "?" Liam: "?" Are you trying to start a war? I looked at the camera. "Mom, Dad, I love you both equally." Director: "No cop-outs." We scribbled. We flipped our boards. Both said: Mom. Director: "Why?" Me: "Do I need a reason to love Mom? I just do." Liam: "What she said. Son's prerogative." We won a bag of rice. Next question: "What was Luna's first role?" Liam smirked. He wrote: Eunuch. "Correct," he laughed. "High school summer job. You played a eunuch in a period drama. Mom and Dad watched that 3-second clip on loop for weeks." Great. My career highlights.
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