The Rebirth After My Husband's Suicide for His First Love

My husband’s death was ruled an accidental drowning. As I was sorting through his belongings, a copy of a property deed fell out from between the pages of a journal. When I pushed open the door to that house, I froze. The interior was cozy and romantic. The expensive furniture, plush carpets, and crystal chandelier glittered even under a layer of dust, unable to hide their opulence. Compared to our cramped, rundown apartment, it was another world. Hanging on the wall was a happy family portrait: him, his first love, and a pair of twin children. On the desk lay a suicide note in a messy scrawl: [Julianna, after you left, every day has been a living hell, an agony I can't bear. Now that Mom is gone and the children are grown, I have nothing left to tie me to this world. I'm coming to find you, to continue our love story on the other side!] My legs gave out from under me. I practically had to crawl my way out of that room. In that moment, all I wanted to do was dig up his grave. But the rage and grief overwhelmed me. A sweet, metallic taste filled my throat, and after spitting out a mouthful of blood, my world went black. When I opened my eyes again, I was back in the tenth year of our marriage. 1 When the police called to inform me that my husband Eddy’s body had been found in the West Hill Reservoir, I was still at the office, burning the midnight oil to deal with a client’s last-minute design changes. Over forty, hormones a mess, and still slaving away like a workhorse after 10 p.m. My resentment was already at an all-time high. So when I heard the news, my first thought was that it was a scam. “Go to hell,” I snarled into the phone. “I hope all you scammers die.” The officer on the other end didn't get angry. In a calm, professional voice, he rattled off his badge number and the station’s address. He explained that some night fishermen had found my husband’s body and that his ID was in his wallet. He asked me to come to the scene as soon as possible. Half-believing, I hung up. On the drive to the reservoir, I tried calling Eddy over and over, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Forty minutes later, I arrived at the location the police had given me. The night was pitch black. The sound of the reservoir’s current and the cries of unseen animals were bone-chilling. I stumbled through the uneven terrain, my feet sinking into the soft earth, running towards the only cluster of light in the darkness. And there, I saw him. A man, lying stiff and straight on the riverbank. He was wearing the white shirt and black trousers he always wore, now stained with mud and grime. His shoes were gone, his bare feet crisscrossed with cuts. Blood trickled from his nose and mouth. When I saw his face, I froze, as if struck by lightning. It really was him. My husband, Eddy. 2 After a thorough investigation, an autopsy, and a review of the security footage from near the reservoir, the police ruled out foul play. The medical examiner found alcohol in his system, and the official cause of death was accidental drowning while intoxicated. Our children flew back from overseas as soon as they heard the news. I was so consumed by grief that my blood pressure spiked, causing me to faint several times. I ended up in the ICU. My son and daughter handled all of their father's funeral arrangements. By the time I was discharged, Eddy had already been buried. It wasn't until the children took me to his gravesite that I realized, to my horror, that they had buried him in a joint plot with their biological mother, Julianna. But they had been divorced for over twenty years… I stared blankly at my children standing beside me. My daughter, Lily, spoke in a flat voice. "It's what Dad wanted." She pulled a document from her bag and handed it to me. "This is the will Dad wrote. The lawyer gave it to me and my brother when we got back. You should read it too." My hands trembled as I took it. Just as Lily had said, the will stipulated that he was to be buried with Julianna. Lily continued, her voice devoid of emotion. "The last page is about the assets. The death beneficiaries for all of Dad's insurance policies are me and Leo. His mutual funds and stocks were purchased before he married you, so they’re considered his personal assets. He left those to us as well." "As for the old apartment…" Lily paused. "Dad left you your 50% share, but you'll have to pay us the market value for his half. Of course, you could also sell the place and give me and Leo half the money." Leo, who had been silent the whole time, finally looked at me. His expression held a flicker of guilt, and his lips trembled slightly. "Mom, Lily and I got our green cards. After we settle things here, we won't be coming back. You need to take care of yourself." I looked at the two children I had raised for twenty years, a wave of disbelief washing over me. I didn't even realize when the tears had started to fall. A lump of pain formed in my throat, my voice so hoarse it was almost a whisper. "How… how could you do this to me?" I had been married to Eddy for twenty years. I had been a stepmother to Leo and Lily since they were barely five years old. I loved my husband, stood by him through thick and thin. I cared for his children with all my heart. I respected his parents, did everything a daughter-in-law should. And in the end… They had schemed against me until I had nothing left. 3 I stumbled back to our apartment, my body feeling heavy and weak. Everything inside was just as Eddy had left it. We had lived in this apartment for nearly twenty years. I had bought this second-hand place the year after we got married, using the dowry my parents had given me. The building was over thirty years old, rundown and shabby. It was less than eight hundred square feet. At one point, five of us, including my mother-in-law, had been crammed into this tiny space. For years, I had scrimped and saved. To send Leo and Lily to study abroad, to pay for my mother-in-law’s dialysis treatments for her chronic kidney failure. I always told myself, things will get better. It will all be okay. But now I realized I was nothing more than a tool for their family. My eyes were vacant, lifeless pools as I moved like an automaton, gathering Eddy’s belongings, intending to throw them all out. As I cleared out his closet, I found a journal tucked away at the very bottom, beneath a pile of old clothes. Inside, I found a yellowed piece of paper. It was a copy of a property deed. The owner was Eddy Scott. I went to the address on the deed. After verifying my ID, a locksmith opened the door for me. The moment I stepped inside, I was utterly stunned. This was clearly Eddy and Julianna’s love nest. The walls were covered with photos of them with their children. The decor was warm and romantic. The expensive furniture, the luxurious carpets, the crystal chandelier that sparkled even under a layer of dust. Compared to our cramped, rundown apartment, it was another world entirely. I moved with heavy steps toward the master bedroom. The room was enormous, with a walk-in closet, a vanity, a king-sized bed, and a spacious, sunlit bay window. The clothes in the closet were all designer, neatly organized. Next door was Eddy's study. The sight that greeted me there was a dagger to the heart. The walls were a chronicle of their family’s happy memories—from the children's elementary school days to their college years, they had traveled the world together. All the places I had dreamed of going but never dared to spend the money on. I collapsed into the chair at the desk. On the desk lay a single sheet of paper with a line of writing: [Julianna, in the two years since you passed away from your illness, I have been living in torment, every day an agony. My duty to my mother is now done, and the children are grown. I have nothing left to tie me to this world. I pray we can be reunited in the afterlife, to continue our love story.] ... It wasn't an accidental drowning while drunk. It was a suicide, to be with her. I tore the note to shreds, a primal scream of rage building in my chest. 4 I don't know how long I sat there. Finally, I pushed myself up, my knees aching. I staggered out of the room. All I wanted in that moment was to find Eddy's grave and dig it up with my bare hands. But the overwhelming grief and rage crashed through my body. A mouthful of blood surged up my throat. My vision went black, and I fell backward, into the darkness. 5 When I opened my eyes again, I was sitting at a table laden with food, surrounded by a cacophony of noise. The clatter of dishes, the murmur of conversation—it all washed over me like a tidal wave. It took me a moment to remember where I was. This was the celebration dinner after Leo and Lily had finished their end-of-middle-school exams. Both of them had been accepted into the city's top high school. They had received full scholarships for all three years, plus a six-thousand-dollar academic prize each. At this moment, Eddy was leading the children from table to table, accepting congratulations from friends and family. Everyone was praising him, the university professor, for raising such brilliant children. Julianna, sitting next to my mother-in-law, was beaming, her face glowing with pride as if she were the guest of honor. I picked up the glass of red wine in front of me and downed it in one gulp. The cool, slightly tart liquid slid down my throat, a sharp reminder that this was not a dream. As I was trying to get my bearings, a sharp, whiny voice cut through the noise. "Nora, you really are the lucky one. After a scandal like yours, you still managed to land a great husband like Eddy. No uterus, so you didn't have to go through the pain of childbirth, and you got a pair of perfect kids for free. Some people have all the luck." I looked up. The speaker was Kate, a former classmate of Eddy’s from university, two years his junior. She now worked at the same university as him, also a philosophy professor. Her voice was loud. Many people had heard her. Julianna raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing on her lips as she looked over, clearly anticipating a show. Kate clucked her tongue. "How did you get so lucky? I heard ten years ago your father was practically trying to pay someone to marry you, offering a whole apartment as a dowry. Who would have thought Eddy would have such bad taste? So many women were after him, and he chose you. There’s just no justice in the world." I looked at her face, slightly twisted with jealousy, and felt a strange mix of amusement and pity. I knew she had harbored a crush on Eddy for years, only to be beaten to the punch by her supposed best friend, Julianna. By the time she found out, Julianna was already two months pregnant. Their friendship ended on the spot. Later, a heartbroken Kate had married someone else. Not long after her wedding, Julianna had abruptly divorced Eddy, abandoned her children, and moved abroad. 6 Kate had never quite gotten over not marrying Eddy. So she always targeted me, constantly picking at my old wounds. In the past, I had been ashamed of what had happened to me, so I would always just lower my head and endure it. She had said these exact same words in my past life, and I had let them slide. It was my children's celebration, their teachers and friends were here, along with Eddy's colleagues. I didn't want to make a scene. But now, none of that mattered. Slam. I slapped my chopsticks down on the table. "You're right, I am lucky!" I shot back, my voice loud and clear. "You're jealous I married Eddy, aren't you? How about I give you this 'luck'? Fulfill that little decade-long crush of yours. Then maybe you'll stop buzzing around me every five minutes, whispering about how I don't deserve him." Kate's face went white. She shot a panicked look toward her husband. "Nora, are you insane? What are you talking about?" I sneered. "Am I? What about all those flirty texts you send him? The way you hang all over him, batting your eyelashes? Do you think I'm blind? Every time, you just have to bring up my assault, don't you? Just to humiliate me." "Yes, I was assaulted! I was beaten so badly they had to remove my uterus! But even then, it was your precious Eddy who came chasing after me. If you have a problem with it, take it up with him!" Heads turned in our direction. Kate's husband was staring at her, his eyes dark. Eddy rushed over, his face a mask of fury. He shot a glare at Kate, then grabbed my arm, hissing, "What are you doing? This is a special occasion! Why are you bringing up all this old baggage in front of everyone?" I yanked my arm away, my face cold. "What did I say? She's the one who starts it every single time. Are you blind?" Kate's husband walked over, his face grim. He pulled his wife up from her chair and forced a tense smile at us. "Nora, Professor Scott, I'm so sorry. I just got an urgent call from work. We have to go. We'll come by and visit properly some other time." Without another word, he dragged a protesting Kate out of the hall. 7 The noisy banquet hall fell into an awkward silence. The looks on people's faces were a complex mixture of pity, curiosity, and judgment. Julianna, who had been enjoying the show, now stood up. She moved to stand beside Eddy, a faint, mocking smile on her face as she looked at me. But when she spoke, her voice was soft and gentle, a sweet, chiding tone. "Nora, nobody is judging you for what happened in your past, but you don't have to broadcast it for everyone to hear, do you? You're Eddy's wife now. When you say those things, think about how it makes him look." "And even if you don't care about Eddy, Leo and Lily still call you 'Mom.' How do you expect them to face their classmates after this?" I followed her gaze to where Leo and Lily were standing a short distance away. Leo's hands were clenched into fists, his eyes red with fury. Lily's eyes were filled with tears, her expression a mixture of hatred and disgust. I remembered them at the gravesite, waving Eddy's will in my face, urging me to sell the apartment and give them their share. I let out a cold snort. "Their biological mother isn't dead. What right do I have to be their mother?" "When their real mother finally kicks the bucket, then we'll talk." "You—" Julianna was speechless, her face flushing a deep red. Her watery eyes pleaded for help from Eddy. A flicker of cold fury passed through Eddy's eyes. He grabbed my arm again, his grip so tight I thought my bones would snap. He hissed, his voice low and dangerous, "Nora, that's enough. Don't make this any more embarrassing for everyone. If you want to throw a fit, do it at home." 8 I looked up, straight into his eyes, and a wave of pure, unadulterated hatred washed over me. Sensing the tension, a few friends came over to play peacemaker. "Professor Scott, come on, we were just about to ask you for some parenting tips. My kid is failing half his classes. You have to tell us your secret…" Soon, the hall was filled with noise again. I sat back down, my expression like ice. A dull ache spread through my chest. I poured myself another glass of wine and drank it down. I knew the smartest thing to do was to divorce Eddy, escape this family of parasites, and start a new life. But they had deceived me for my entire adult life. How could I just let go of all this hatred? 9 After the party, when everyone had left, it was just me and Eddy's perfect little family of four. My mother-in-law's raspy voice cut through the silence. "Nora, if you have no shame, we do. Are you trying to make sure everyone in the world knows about your sordid past?" "Do you think that's something to be proud of? With your reputation, and the fact that you can't even have children, I wouldn't have approved of you even if it was your first marriage." "Someone like you, damaged goods, you're not worthy of my son." "Mom!" Eddy cut her off sharply. "I told you not to bring up the past again. Why are you starting?" I looked at my mother-in-law. She was healthy, full of vigor. At this point in time, she hadn't yet been diagnosed with chronic kidney failure. She didn't need to suck up to me, to sweet-talk me into paying for her dialysis and driving her to the hospital every week. In my past life, after her diagnosis, I had taken care of her for nearly eight years. Every Saturday, without fail, I would take her for her treatment. I cooked her special low-protein, low-sodium meals. She had died peacefully in the hospital two months before Eddy's suicide. The line in his note, "My duty to my mother is now done," was a duty I had fulfilled for him. I let out a cold laugh. "If I hadn't been injured and had my uterus removed, do you think I would have even looked twice at Eddy?" "Do you think your son is such a great catch? His professorship was a sham. If my father hadn't pulled every string he had to get him a recommendation, he'd still be struggling as a lecturer." "Don't you dare act like you're saints when you're nothing but a bunch of hypocrites." My words hung in the air, creating a sudden, tense silence. My mother-in-law, clearly not expecting me to fight back so directly, turned a shade of purple, her body trembling with rage. 10 Standing beside her, Eddy, having been hit where it hurt, roared, "What is wrong with you today? Just because Kate said a few words, you have to go crazy?" Lily shrieked, "This was supposed to be my and my brother's celebration! Why did you have to talk about being assaulted? How am I supposed to face my classmates now? Why do you always have to ruin everything?" I took a deep breath, trying to suppress the volcano of rage about to erupt inside me. "You're right! I am crazy! What are you going to do about it?" I turned to Lily. "And who cares if you can face your classmates or not? I haven't complained about how ugly and short you are, with your upturned nostrils, embarrassing me in front of my colleagues!" Lily was, admittedly, not conventionally attractive. Though she and Leo were twins, Leo resembled their beautiful mother, while Lily was the spitting image of their grandmother. Lily froze for a second, then completely broke down. She let out a loud wail and ran out of the banquet hall, crying. I had no desire to waste any more words on them. I grabbed my bag and walked out. 11 Outside the hotel, the sky was completely dark. The summer night air, though cool, still felt sticky against my skin. I kicked a loose stone on the sidewalk, my mind a chaotic mess. Memories of what had happened to me resurfaced, and the feeling of drowning returned. I had been assaulted. It was during my senior year of college, during my internship. I was walking home from a late shift when someone dragged me into a dark alley. Security wasn't as good back then. There were no cameras in those narrow backstreets. He clamped a hand over my mouth. I fought back with everything I had. In the struggle, I managed to land a hard kick to his groin. That only enraged him. He threw me to the ground, but when he tried to assault me, he found he was unable to. Frustrated and angry, he pulled up his pants and began kicking my abdomen, over and over. Then he left me, like a discarded rag, by a dumpster. My parents searched for me all night. When the doctor told them my uterus had ruptured and my bladder was damaged, that they had to perform a hysterectomy to save my life, my mother fainted on the spot. My father's hair seemed to turn white overnight. The man was sentenced to ten years in prison, but the damage he did to me was permanent. I had to use a catheter for three months. I underwent a full year of therapy before I could even begin to function again. After that, I was filled with self-loathing, insecurity, and shame. I didn't dare to date, convinced I wasn't worthy of anyone. Until I met Eddy. He was like a light in my dark, empty life. I thought he was my savior, my beacon. That's why I poured everything I had into our marriage. Even when his mother was cruel, even when my stepchildren, influenced by their grandmother and their mother, were hostile and resentful, I cherished our marriage. I never imagined that he was Satan, hiding behind a mask of light. Another hand, pulling me down into the abyss. He had utterly destroyed me, turning all our beautiful memories into daggers that he used to stab me, over and over. 12 It was almost midnight by the time I got home. The apartment was dark. They were probably all asleep. I heard a rustling sound from the balcony, an eerie noise in the dead of night. I turned on the light and went to investigate. There, I saw a narrow-mouthed bamboo basket, covered with a fine-mesh bag. The rustling was coming from inside. The scene was chillingly familiar. The hairs on my arms stood on end. It was full of venomous snakes. In my past life, after Leo and Lily's exam results came out, my mother-in-law insisted it was because her prayers had been answered. She had somehow acquired over a dozen venomous snakes, planning to take the children to the mountains to release them for good karma. When I found out, I tried to stop her, telling her to release some fish instead if she was so determined. She told me that you couldn't eat an animal you had released for karma. She still wanted to eat fish, but she certainly wasn't going to eat venomous snakes. Seeing that it was useless to argue with her, I waited until she had gone for her morning walk in the park, then took the basket of snakes to a wildlife rescue center. The staff there were horrified when they opened the bag. They were all highly venomous silver-banded kraits. Because kraits are a protected species, the staff immediately called the police. I was subjected to an hour-long lecture and had to sign a statement promising never to illegally buy or sell wildlife again. My mother-in-law threw a massive tantrum, accusing me of ruining her spiritual cultivation. I turned and walked back into the living room. This time, I had no intention of interfering. 13 The next morning, my mother-in-law returned with breakfast and immediately started giving orders. "Eddy, go wake up Leo and Lily. We have to go to the mountains to release the animals after we eat." Eddy rubbed his temples, annoyed. "Mom, can you please not involve the kids in your superstitious nonsense?" She shot him a glare. "What do you know? If I hadn't prayed for you back then, do you think you would have gotten into university? And the kids' good exam results? That was all my doing." Seeing that it was pointless to argue, Eddy just frowned and went to wake the children. When the kids were at the table, my mother-in-law started handing out breakfast. There was nothing for me. I didn't care. I went to my room, grabbed my ID, our marriage certificate, and the household registration book, and slammed the door on my way out. I took a taxi straight to the property registration office. Just as I suspected. A 2,500-square-foot property was registered under Eddy's name. The registration date was three years ago, the same year Julianna had returned to the country. The mortgage had been cleared just two months ago. He must have paid it off early. I had the staff stamp the inquiry form. On my way to the office, I couldn't stop thinking. A man as meticulous as Eddy, how could he have been so careless as to leave a property registered in his name? In my past life, all I had seen was a photocopy of the deed. This was a man who had only named his own children as beneficiaries on his insurance policies, who had schemed to take my half of the apartment I had paid for. How could he have willingly let me get half of this house, which was already worth millions? 14 Just after our weekly meeting, the phone in my office rang. I put it on speaker. Leo's panicked, crying voice came through the line. "Mom! Mom, you have to come quick! Grandma got bit by a snake when we were releasing them. She passed out from the pain, and I can't move her! We're on the south side of the mountain, halfway up. You know the place, we had a picnic there last time we went hiking. By the big rock." "Dad's not answering his phone. Mom, I'm so scared, the snakes are crawling everywhere… Please, come save me!" "Ah! Get away from me! Don't come over here!" Leo's terrified screams echoed in my office. "Mom, did you hear me? Can you please hurry?" his cries started again. My hand instinctively reached for my phone to call 911. But just as my finger was about to press the button, I paused. I slowly put the phone down. If my mother-in-law's gods could grant her grandchildren good grades, surely they could keep them safe. I spoke into the phone. "Leo, honey, I'm out of town on a business trip. You need to call your dad or 911." There was a three-second silence on the other end. "Mom, I'm calling your office landline." Oops. "I mean, I'm about to leave for my trip. The taxi is waiting downstairs. I have to go, I'll talk to you later." I hung up. Then, I turned off my cell phone.

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