Leo Song had a girlfriend. I watched them hold hands, watched them fight, watched them break up. It wasn’t until we got to college that I finally decided to tell him how I felt. We were in a private karaoke room, and our friends were all trying to set us up. I stood outside the door for a second, catching my breath, and heard Leo’s easy laugh float through the wood. “Nah, it wouldn’t work,” he said. “We’re just bros.” In that single moment, my years-long crush finally withered and died. Fine. It was better to just be friends, anyway. Except, one day, much later, someone asked me, “You haven’t noticed that Leo Song is trying to ask you out?” I just laughed. “Nah, it wouldn’t work. We’re just bros.” 1 Senior year of high school, Leo Song became my deskmate. The logic was simple: he was a motormouth, and I was quiet. We were supposed to balance each other out. It was AP Lit. Mr. Henderson was droning on about symbolism in The Great Gatsby. Leo’s mouth, however, never stopped moving. “Should I be writing this down?” he whispered. I didn’t answer. “Wait, what page are we on?” “…” Our desks were pushed together, a two-person island. And like every other tall, long-legged guy in our class, Leo had a tendency to invade his neighbor’s territory. His knee kept brushing against mine, a light, almost-not-there touch that sent a jolt up my spine. My back went ramrod straight. “If you cross that line one more time,” I hissed, my teeth clenched, “I’m telling Mr. Henderson.” Cowards like me always use irritation and a holier-than-thou attitude to hide what’s really going on. Things like a secret crush. Things like a crippling lack of self-esteem. Leo just leaned back in his chair, a lazy grin spreading across his face as he looked at me. He did, however, pull his leg back. “My bad,” he murmured. “I’ll schedule the amputation for tomorrow.” Just then, a piece of chalk flew through the air. Leo ducked it like a pro and slowly sat up straight. Right on cue, the bell shrieked, signaling the end of class. Once our teacher left, I glanced up, just in time to see Leo getting out of his seat. A chorus of whoops and hollers followed him as he walked to the classroom door. His girlfriend was standing there. Her hair was long and straight, her skin was pale like porcelain, and when she saw him, a perfect pair of dimples appeared in her cheeks. I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I just saw Leo’s lips curve into a smile as he reached out and ruffled the top of her hair. The noise of the hallway faded into the background. One tall, one short. The perfect couple. I didn’t look away until their backs disappeared down the hall. Then, my eyes dropped numbly to my textbook. A sour, bitter taste flooded my mouth. 2 I’d known Leo since freshman year. Back then, the thought of confessing my feelings never even crossed my mind. Not until the end of the semester, when Leo brought his girlfriend, Isabelle, to a group hangout so everyone could meet her. Our friends cheered, offered their congratulations. I don’t remember much else from that day. All I remember is the sight of their hands, laced together. I always wondered, if I had just been a little braver, would things have turned out differently? I was lost in thought when Leo came back, slinging his jacket over his chair before dropping into his seat. A classmate came over to ask him about a calculus problem. He draped his jacket over his lap and started scribbling out the solution. Then he glanced at my desk. “My girlfriend loves that stuff too. Is it really that good?” I was holding the jasmine milk tea I’d brought to school that morning. My fingers tightened around the plastic cup. “It’s okay, I guess.” Someone else chimed in. “Dude, if you like it, just say you like it. Why you gotta rub it in the faces of us single people?” The guy who said it was Caleb. My dad is his uncle, which makes us cousins. He’s the reason I met Leo in the first place. After a bit more teasing, Caleb asked, “Hey, I’m crashing at my uncle’s place for dinner this weekend. You wanna come, Leo? Your parents are out of town anyway.” Leo glanced at his watch. “Can’t. Gotta help Isabelle study.” “Wow, what a dedicated boyfriend. Her GPA is so borderline, getting into Northwood University is a long shot. You guys planning on doing the long-distance thing?” “We’re trying to end up in the same city.” “Damn, Romeo. You’re really going all in.” “…” The same city. That meant one of them would have to compromise. I listened from the side, blinking slowly. I was still quiet when the final bell rang. Leo looked over at me. “What’s up, Mia?” He always had that polite, considerate way of noticing when a friend was down. Caleb chimed in too. “Yeah, what’s wrong? You can tell your big bro.” I looked up, my eyes meeting Leo’s for just a second. I panicked, looking away. I had to come up with something. “I’m just bummed about my class rank.” Caleb scoffed. “Dude, you’re at the bottom of the AP track. That’s still, like, top 100 in the entire school. Besides, the top science student is your deskmate. What are you worried about?” Leo swung his backpack over his shoulder, a gentle smile on his face. “Yeah, if you ever get stuck, just ask me.” I knew. He saw me as a little sister, too. By the time I surfaced from my thoughts, Leo was already gone. I didn't need to guess who he was rushing off to see. Through the window, I watched his retreating figure. It’s wrong to spy on someone else’s boyfriend. I told myself that over and over. But my eyes followed him anyway. I figured as long as I never said the words out loud, it would be okay. Thank God I never said them out loud. 3 The countdown to the SATs was ticking away, day by day. Lately, though, Leo had been showing up late a lot. The reason was Isabelle. She’d made him bring her breakfast every morning. Today, for some reason, they’d had a fight about it. He didn’t say a word during our morning vocabulary drills, his mood clearly foul. When Mr. Henderson called him up to the whiteboard to write out the definitions, I was surprised to see he got every single one right. Sometimes I just didn’t get it. How could someone who paid so little attention in class, who had a girlfriend, still get such good grades? During our last study hall, Leo was asleep, his head pillowed on his arms. When the final bell rang, I instinctively turned to look at him. He was still slumped over, but his head was turned, and he was looking right at me. The afternoon light slanted across his face, highlighting his sharp, clean features. My reflection was trapped in his dark eyes. “Mia.” His voice was low and gravelly from sleep. A flush crept up my neck. I tried to sound casual. “What’s up?” “Would you fight with your boyfriend if he couldn’t buy you your favorite snack?” “I don’t have a boyfriend.” It was a stupid question. Leo sighed. “You know, when you do start dating, you should run the guy by me or Caleb first. You’re so naive, you’re gonna get scammed.” I rolled my eyes at him. “Okay, I’ll find two. One for each of you to approve.” Leo laughed. “Make it three. You’ll need one for yourself.” It was a dumb, pointless joke. I stopped talking and just offered a small smile. He didn’t seem to be in a chatty mood either. He leaned back against his chair, a silent, withdrawn energy radiating from him. He was probably thinking about Isabelle again. A familiar sourness rose in my throat. I grabbed my backpack and stood up, but a hand suddenly shot out and tugged on my sleeve. I froze, my gaze falling on the long, well-defined fingers wrapped around the fabric. Leo let go, a hint of awkwardness on his face. “Hey, just… sit tight for a minute. Don’t go anywhere.” I had no idea what he was talking about, but he was already gone. A few minutes later, his girlfriend showed up. It was only when she pointed it out that I realized I’d gotten my period. A small, dark red stain had blossomed on the back of my white school-uniform pants. Leo probably didn’t come back because he didn’t want to embarrass me. When I came out of the bathroom, Isabelle was still waiting. She handed me a sweatshirt. I instinctively tried to refuse. “Oh, no, it’s fine. Thanks, though.” Isabelle’s eyes crinkled into a warm, friendly smile. “It’s Leo’s. It’s big enough to cover everything, and it’ll keep you warm. Don’t be shy, Mia.” A strange wave of guilt washed over me. I couldn’t meet her eyes, terrified she’d see right through me. “Tell him I said thanks.” We walked out of the school together. Isabelle looped her arm through mine, her affectionate gesture making me feel even worse. “Don’t mention it! I heard Leo used to crash at your place for dinner all the time. That practically makes you my sister-in-law!” I didn’t know how to respond. “Do you know why we fought?” she asked, not waiting for an answer. “I told him to get me the tomato-basil chips, but he said they were sold out and if he waited twenty minutes for them to restock, he’d be late for school. I mean, love is in the details, right? If he knew they’d sell out, couldn’t he have gone a little earlier? If he wasn’t so handsome, I never would have chased him. He’s so thoughtless and never has time for me.” She was a talker, just like Leo. She went on and on. I couldn’t imagine how chaotic their fights must be. And I never thought I’d be the one comforting her. “College applications are coming up,” I said. “You should both try to be a little more understanding.” Isabelle pouted, then a proud little smile appeared. “But then I remember that the most popular guy at Northwood High is my boyfriend, and I could literally smile in my sleep. Don’t you think I’m lucky?” My mind went blank for a second. “Yeah,” I heard myself say. “A lot of girls like him.” Isabelle started humming a little tune. Suddenly, she leaned in close and unzipped her jacket. On her chest was a tattoo of two butterflies. She had a mischievous glint in her eye. “I’m planning on giving him a surprise on graduation night. What do you think? Is it pretty?” In that moment, a thousand images flooded my mind. Leo holding her, kissing her. My thoughts went further, and my heart clenched so tight it felt like it was bleeding. “It’s beautiful.” “Do you want to come out for New Year’s Eve with us? Ah, whatever, we’ll figure it out later.” “Okay.” I was just a robot, saying the right things, smiling the right way. The sky above was a heavy, starless black. 4 New Year’s Eve was on a Sunday. We got out of school at 3:30. When I got to the rooftop barbecue, I could tell something was wrong. Leo and Isabelle were giving each other the silent treatment. It hadn’t been long since their last fight. This time, it was because Isabelle had joined some online group for hiking enthusiasts and wanted to go to a lookout point to watch the New Year’s fireworks. Leo thought it was unsafe with so many strangers. Isabelle loved meeting new people and thought a big crowd would be more fun. They were at a stalemate until Leo finally caved and said he’d go with her. But I guess he didn’t sound enthusiastic enough, because Isabelle exploded and started another fight. At first, Leo was patiently trying to calm her down. But Isabelle wasn’t having it. She pushed away the cup of water he offered her. “I’m not thirsty. Don’t be a hypocrite. Who needs your fake concern?” Leo looked at her, his voice tight. “I said it was unsafe because I was worried about you. And I already said I’d go with you.” Isabelle scoffed. “What century are you living in? What’s so unsafe about it? You don’t really want to go with me, you just want to ruin my fun. You just can’t stand it when I go out and have a good time. All you ever do is tell me to study. I wanted a boyfriend, not a dad. Who are you to control me?” People who know they can get away with anything are often the cruelest. Leo’s brow furrowed. “Can we just stick to the point and not make this personal?” “Why are you getting so annoyed? If you want to break up, just say it! It’s not like I won’t agree.” The air got colder than the winter night. I’d been busy grilling skewers, trying my best not to listen, not to care. But now I couldn’t help but glance at Leo. He was the epitome of teenage pride—impulsive and arrogant, his thoughts straightforward. He didn’t understand the complicated twists and turns of a girl’s mind. To him, this was all just baffling. Seeing things were getting tense, Caleb awkwardly tried to change the subject. It didn’t work. Bringing up a breakup during every fight. Leo seemed used to it. “You’ve thought this through?” he asked, his voice low. “You want to break up?” Isabelle shot up from her seat, her eyes red. She turned and ran. The rooftop fell silent again. Leo didn’t move. He was wearing a black hoodie, the sharp line of his jaw tense. He tilted his head back, staring at the empty sky. After a long moment, he got up and followed her. Caleb let out a breath. “Only Leo has the patience to put up with this,” he muttered to our other friends. “We only get a few hours off a week, and she puts him through this. I feel bad for the guy.” I put down my skewer and walked over to the railing. Down below, under a streetlight, Isabelle’s shoulders were shaking. She petulantly slapped away the hand that was trying to wipe her tears. I saw Leo’s shoulders slump in defeat before he pulled her into his arms. The wind was relentless, blowing straight into my eyes. When I went back to the table, my friends had started a drinking game. There was beer. I chugged a mouthful. Suddenly, fireworks exploded in the night sky, their brilliant colors seeming to bloom just for the bickering couple down below. Caleb scrambled to hand me a napkin. “Why are you crying on New Year’s? Who upset you? I’ll go beat them up for you.” I wiped my eyes and managed a laugh. “I just feel like I’m getting old.” Caleb paused, then gently touched my cheek. “Mia, you’re not old at all. Our lives are just getting started.” I was crying and laughing at the same time, letting the tears stream down my face. He was right. Our lives were just getting started. I couldn’t spend my whole life in love with Leo Song. 5 The New Year’s Eve drama ended with Leo catching a nasty cold. He showed up to school the next day with a voice like a rusty hinge and dark circles under his eyes. I silently pushed my thermos across the desk to him. It was filled with the hot tea and honey my mom always made for me when I was sick. Leo glanced at it, didn’t say anything, but twisted it open and took a sip. “Thanks,” he rasped. “Don’t mention it.” He was listless all day. He didn’t say Isabelle’s name once. I figured trying to soothe someone in the middle of the night while standing in the freezing cold would knock anyone out. Caleb came over during break, his face a mask of gossip. “So? What happened last night? Did you guys make up?” Leo ignored him, burying his face in his arms to catch up on sleep. Caleb nudged me with his elbow. “Mia, do you know?” I shook my head. How would I know? I was just a bystander, not even important enough to be named in their story. That afternoon, Isabelle showed up. She was carrying a thermos, a look of guilt and apology on her face. She placed it on Leo’s desk, her voice soft and sweet. “Leo, I made you some ginger soup. Please drink a little. I’m so sorry about yesterday. It was my fault.” Leo didn’t even lift his head. Isabelle was left standing there awkwardly. She shot a pleading look in my direction. I pretended to be intensely focused on my textbook, not a single word registering in my brain. After a few minutes of tense silence, the bell rang. Isabelle had no choice but to leave the thermos and walk away, looking miserable. Only then did Leo sit up. Without a single glance at the soup, he pushed it to the far corner of his desk. I felt a strange mix of emotions. Part of me hoped they would just break up for good, but another part of me felt sorry for Leo. It must be exhausting, loving someone like that. The pressure of college applications mounted with each passing day, one practice exam after another. Leo and Isabelle’s fights became more frequent. Most of them were about Isabelle feeling like Leo didn’t spend enough time with her, or Leo nagging her to focus more on her studies. With every argument, Leo grew quieter. And I, somehow, became the silent receptacle for his unspoken frustrations. He’d ask me out of the blue, “Do you think people in a relationship have to be stuck to each other 24/7?” Or, “If two people have completely different goals, can they really make it in the long run?” I never knew how to answer. All I could say was, “I’ve never been in a relationship. I wouldn’t know.” He would just laugh, a bitter, self-deprecating sound. “Right. Why am I even asking you?” Then he’d go back to his practice tests. For that whole period, that was the extent of our conversations. We were like two trapped animals, fumbling in the dark, each licking our own wounds. 6 The day our final exams ended, the entire senior class went insane. Tearing up textbooks, screaming at the top of our lungs, hugging anyone in sight. The after-party was at a karaoke bar. Everyone drank too much and sang way off-key. Leo got his fair share of drinks forced on him, too. He sat in a corner, quiet and subdued, not the shining star he usually was. Isabelle was beside him, carefully pouring him water and peeling orange slices for him, as if trying to make up for the past few months of turmoil. Near the end of the night, Isabelle stood up and clapped her hands. “Hey everyone, quiet down! I have a surprise for Leo.” All eyes turned to her. Isabelle took a deep breath, and right there, in front of everyone, she yanked down the zipper of her jacket. Underneath, she was wearing a tight tank top. The butterfly tattoo on her chest looked almost sinister in the dim, colorful lights of the karaoke room. “Leo Song, congratulations on graduating! This is my gift to you!” she announced, a proud, innocent smile on her face, as if she were showing off a priceless work of art. The room was silent for three seconds. Then it erupted in a wave of laughter and catcalls. I saw Leo’s face. In an instant, it went completely white. He shot up, grabbed a jacket from a nearby chair, and threw it over Isabelle’s shoulders. His movements were rough, devoid of any tenderness. “Are you insane?!” he hissed, his voice a low growl, thick with suppressed rage. The smile froze on Isabelle’s face. “I… I just wanted to surprise you…” “This is your idea of a surprise? In front of all these people?” Leo’s eyes were as cold as ice. “Isabelle, we’re done.” Without another word, he turned and walked out of the room. Isabelle stood frozen, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Caleb rushed over to comfort her. I sat where I was, a cold can of beer still clutched in my hand. The butterfly’s wings had failed to carry it into Leo Song’s heart. The long, drawn-out war of attrition had finally ended, in a way I could never have imagined. I didn’t feel happy. I just felt that youth was like a spectacular firework show—dazzling for a moment, then leaving behind nothing but smoke and debris.
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