Six years into my crush on Alistair, we ended up in an arranged marriage. Post-wedding, our life was a polite, passionless affair. Two ultra-thin condoms a week, like clockwork. All because of something Alistair once said: “A marriage devoid of emotion is the most stable kind.” So, I carefully concealed the tidal wave of my love for him. Until Alistair’s old flame returned to the country. He started staying out late, choosing cold showers over touching me. I drafted the divorce papers myself and went to find him. That’s when I heard his thoughts. 【I love my wife I love my wife I love my wife I love my wife…】 1 On my wedding night with Alistair, I chugged half a bottle of wine for courage. The alcohol went straight to my head, painting my cheeks a feverish red. Alistair’s elegant hand cupped the back of my neck as his lips descended, soft and gentle. “You’ve been drinking. May I proceed?” he asked. A low “Mmm…” escaped my throat. But a thought, inopportune and sharp, cut through the haze. Even now, doing this, he’s so cool and composed. Well, of course he was. Our marriage was a business arrangement, after all. Soon, I lost the capacity for coherent thought. The traditional wedding dress slipped half-off my shoulders. The cool air on my skin sent a shiver through me. Alistair, in contrast, had only undone two buttons of his shirt. His tie hung loosely, revealing a glimpse of tanned skin and the firm lines of his chest rising and falling with each breath. My mouth went dry. “Alistair…” He let out a low chuckle, his voice a soothing balm. “Tansy, don’t be nervous.” He pinned me to the edge of the bed with one hand. He knelt before me, looking up, and then, without warning, his lips found the small mole on my inner thigh. His voice, husky and deep, mingled with hot breath against my ear. “If it’s uncomfortable, tell me to stop at any time.” My fingers tightened in his dark, tousled hair. How to describe the feeling of being married to Alistair? It was like looking up and suddenly seeing the aurora borealis. A stunning, unbelievable surprise. I wanted to hold on to him, to make it real. What happened after that is a blur, thanks to the wine. I only know that when I woke up the next morning, my legs were so weak I nearly collapsed. And. Alistair was gravely, seriously, discussing the optimal frequency of condom usage with me. “…Five times a week?” My soul, which had been floating somewhere in the stratosphere, snapped back to reality at his last few words. My eyes widened. “Five?” Alistair glanced at me and, without missing a beat, amended his proposal. “Then twice a week it is.” 2 I was the one who suggested postponing the honeymoon. Alistair’s company was in a busy period, and I was about to start a new project as a staff writer for a TV show. But the real reason was, I wanted to wait until there was some semblance of feeling between us. Even a little. Even if it was manufactured. Married life with Alistair was surprisingly harmonious, both in our daily routines and… physically. He had an uncanny knack for attentiveness in that department. The only change was that the “two condoms a week” had become “twice a week, one box per session.” The next morning, as I stood on trembling legs, fumbling to tie Alistair’s tie, my brain was still foggy. “Alistair, on work nights, maybe we should…” I paused, trying to phrase it delicately. “Maybe we shouldn’t stay up so late.” As much as I lusted after his body, I believed in sustainable resources. “I’m not saying no to marital activities,” I clarified, my cheeks flushing. “It’s just… for our health, maybe we could go back to twice a week?” I snuck a glance at his expression as I spoke. My hands didn’t stop their work on his tie, finishing the knot with practiced ease. Whenever Alistair was home, I was the one who tied his tie. Just as he was the one who always dried and styled my hair after I washed it. I was always embarrassed by it, but he would just say, “Do you think my hands are clumsy, Tansy? We’re husband and wife. There’s no need for such formalities.” I cherished those moments. They created the illusion that Alistair loved me. But I knew. I knew he had a past love he couldn’t let go of. Still, it was okay. His life, from now on, would be filled with me. Alistair listened to my suggestion, one eyebrow raised slightly. The sharp, chiseled line of his jaw tensed. “I apologize. I lost control last night. But Tansy, I have needs too.” I froze. His thumb, through the fabric of my silk pajamas, pressed against my aching lower back, rubbing gentle circles as he continued. “I had an unexpected meeting last night, which is why we started so late. I’ll be more mindful of the time from now on. We can start earlier.” “Tansy,” he asked, his tone deceptively casual, “were you uncomfortable yesterday? Do you need me to apply some ointment?” My face turned crimson. I squeezed out a single word. “…No.” Alistair’s dark eyes narrowed. His long fingers tilted my chin up as he leaned in, his body pressing against mine. His lips descended, a searing kiss that quickly became a demanding, breathless plunder. He guided my hand down past his eight-pack abs, and my breath hitched. After a long moment, Alistair’s voice was a rough whisper. “But… you’re right about everything, Tansy.” “For the sake of our health, how about you join me for a workout three mornings a week?” I… My world came crashing down. 3 The tie was a wasted effort. Afterward, Alistair carried me to the bathroom to clean up. He looked down at me, his breath warm against my hair. “Leo wants to get together next week. Are you free?” “He’s invested in a new bar that’s just opening. He invited a bunch of our old high school friends. You know everyone,” he explained. A high school reunion. Did that mean… was Leo going to invite her? I thought for a moment, then shook my head. “I can’t. The studio just added a major supporting character to the script I’m working on. My part needs a lot of rewrites. I’m starting on set soon, so I probably won’t have time. I’m sorry.” Leo, Alistair, and my older brother were all childhood friends. We went to the same high school. When I was a freshman, Alistair was a senior. I used to tag along with my brother and his friends, but my crush on Alistair and my naturally quiet, introverted personality meant I was usually just a silent observer, my eyes secretly following his every move. To get closer to him, I would intentionally get a few problems wrong on my physics tests, just to have an excuse to ask him for help. Then, in the second semester, Sarah transferred into Alistair’s class. She was brilliant and outgoing. Not only did she know Alistair from before, but she also fit seamlessly into his circle of friends. I never expected her to seek me out. “Tansy, you like Alistair, don’t you?” My eyelashes fluttered. I didn’t know how to respond. Not even my own brother knew about my crush. Sarah tilted her head, a half-smile playing on her lips. “But Alistair told me he only sees you as a little sister.” “I’m going to ask him out. If he says yes… Tansy, maybe you should stop using ‘studying’ as an excuse to get close to him, okay?” After Sarah asked Alistair out, she made a point of coming to me for a “heart-to-heart.” “Alistair and I have known each other since we were kids. I transferred here because of him. And thanks to him, I was able to get into this school as a senior. I was going to wait until after graduation to be with him, but I just got an early acceptance to college, so I don’t want to wait anymore. Little sister… maybe you should focus more on your studies from now on.” Later, Sarah and Alistair broke up for some reason. Around the time that song “The One That Got Away” was popular, the topic of old flames came up at a party. Leo had laughed, his tone suggestive. “Alistair’s got one. He’s been single all this time, waiting for someone.” 4 One word from the money-grubbing execs, and my life became a blur of all-nighters, rewriting scripts. On the fifth night of sleeping in my study, Alistair knocked on the door. “Tansy.” He rarely used my full name. I looked up, confused. He walked in, bringing a wave of cool, damp air with him. His tone was unreadable. “Have you forgotten you have a husband? Or are you planning on sleeping in here from now on? A separation?” It wasn’t until he had me pressed against the desk, his lips curved into a smirk, our breaths mingling, that I understood what he meant. I blushed and responded to his kiss, trying to appease him. “Tansy, don’t ever ignore me like this again, okay?” he said suddenly. I blinked, stammering, “I just forgot… about… you know.” “I haven’t been ignoring you…” Before I could finish, Alistair’s eyes darkened. He bit my lip gently, silencing me with another kiss. He didn’t press the issue. The lamp overhead seemed to sway. I bit my lip, my eyes on our intertwined hands. I was starting to feel that our polite, respectful marriage wasn’t enough. Maybe… maybe we could actually fall in love. A thought I’d never dared to entertain before began to bloom in the secret corners of my heart. Could it be that Alistair is starting to like me, even just a little? 5 The night of the party, it was 11:30 PM, and Alistair still wasn’t home. I was debating whether to text him when a message from him came in. 【Drank too much, can’t drive. Staying at Leo’s place tonight. Don’t wait up.】 On a whim, I asked Leo for the address. I wanted to surprise Alistair by picking him up. It was a shame my brother was in Paris on business, or I could have gotten the information more discreetly. I timed my arrival for when their parties usually ended and drove to Leo’s new bar. I was scanning the room, about to call Leo for their location, when my eyes locked onto a figure at the bar. In the dim light, Alistair sat with his back straight, casually swirling the amber liquid in his glass. He exuded an air of cool, refined elegance that was all his own. A smile touched my lips, and I watched him for a long moment before starting to walk over. Then I heard his voice, cool and detached. “…A marriage devoid of emotion is the most stable kind.” My smile froze. The words were like daggers to my heart. A burning sensation welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t bear to hear another word. I turned and fled. I missed Leo’s next sentence. “Cut the crap, Alistair. You can’t even follow your own advice. And you’re trying to convince me to get into an arranged marriage?” I stumbled into the bathroom. The salty tears mixed with the cold water from the sink. The human heart is a greedy thing. Alistair had been so good to me after we got married. He always told me his schedule, remembered my preferences, left a light on for me because he knew I was afraid of the dark… I had mistaken his sense of marital duty for love. After a moment, I looked up at my reflection and forced a hideous smile. “Tansy, you have to be content,” I whispered. I prayed he would never find out about my secret love for him. I composed myself and walked out, only to come face-to-face with Leo and the others. Alistair was at the back of the group, looking down at his phone. Leo spotted me first and waved. “Tansy…” he started, then kicked the guy next to him, who was still rambling on. But the guy didn't get the hint. He kept talking. “Tansy? Weren’t we just talking about Sarah being back and looking for a job? If she’d come back sooner, maybe Alistair…” 6 Leo jabbed his elbow into the guy’s stomach, finally shutting him up. The familiar name echoed in my ears. I zoned out for a second. Sarah… she was back? Were she and Alistair in touch? “See? I told you. Tansy got the address to pick up her husband.” “Alistair!” Leo grabbed Alistair and pushed his arm into mine. “Go home, you two. Tansy, he’s drunk. Wasted! You can do whatever you want with him.” I blinked, then looked up to see Leo winking at Alistair. I studied Alistair. He smelled faintly of alcohol, but his eyes were clear, his posture relaxed. He didn't look drunk at all. Just as I was thinking this, Alistair’s gaze clouded over. His tall frame swayed, and he buried his head in the crook of my neck. “So dizzy,” he murmured, his voice hoarse. “They made me drink… Did you come all this way just to take me home, Tansy?” His warm breath on my neck sent a shiver down my spine. Amidst the teasing from our friends, I felt flustered and could only manage a soft “Mmm.” Alistair’s lips curved into a smile, and his hand found mine, our fingers lacing together. I looked down, flustered, and led him carefully out of the bar. 【This is the first time my wife has ever come to pick me up.】 Alistair’s deep voice suddenly sounded in my ear. I froze and looked at him. A triumphant smile played on his lips. His Adam’s apple bobbed. He hadn’t spoken, but I heard his voice again: 【Leo’s suggestion wasn’t totally useless after all.】 【My wife is so cute when she’s shy.】 【Hmm, does this mean I can use the third condom tonight?】 7 Waiting at a red light, I couldn’t help but steal glances at Alistair in the passenger seat. He was leaning his head on his hand, his eyes closed, his breathing even. He seemed to be asleep. Did I… did I just hear Alistair’s thoughts? My mood, which had plummeted, was now soaring like a roller coaster. I hesitated, then decided to test the waters. “Alistair, are you really drunk? If you’re not feeling well, I can stop at a pharmacy and get you some sobering medicine.” He slowly opened his eyes, a thin haze clouding their dark depths. “No need.” He rubbed his temples. “Just a headache…” I nodded, my eyes fixed on his impassive face. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them back. It was all too fantastical. I couldn’t bring myself to ask. The light turned green. Before I drove off, I glanced at Alistair again. He had shifted positions, his cool, handsome face now in full view. The corner of his mouth was turned up in a barely perceptible smile. I didn't hear any other voices in the car. The confusion and doubt lingered all the way home. I had just parked the car when Alistair’s phone rang. I caught a glimpse of the caller ID. Sarah. “Alistair, can you come pick me up…?” My hand hovered over the door handle. A sour taste filled my mouth. I slammed the car door shut and walked into the building alone, leaving the “drunk” Alistair behind. Alistair paused, still holding the phone. Sarah’s voice continued on the other end. “Grandpa Alistair knows my new place is still being renovated, so he invited me to stay at the main house to keep him company. But it’s been so long, I don’t know how to get there. I heard from Leo that you guys had a get-together tonight. Why didn’t you invite me? I could have made time.” Alistair watched my retreating figure, a confused look on his face. After a moment, he clicked his tongue before finally answering her. 8 Once inside, I stood in the entryway for a long time, my mind a chaotic mess. After a moment of deliberation, I picked up my phone and texted my best friend. Chloe was my high school classmate and my confidante, the only person who knew about my six-year crush on Alistair. 【Chloe, Sarah’s back.】 【She just called Alistair and asked him to pick her up…】 Chloe replied instantly. 【?】 【At one in the morning, she’s calling a married man to pick her up?】 【Is she insane?】 【Tansy, get a grip. I know it’s an arranged marriage, but you and Alistair are legally married now.】 【Even if Sarah was his first love, they broke up! What she’s doing now is trying to be a homewrecker!】 【And we don’t even know for sure if she was his first love.】 【Remember when he was studying abroad? He was always checking in on you. He even told you he was single.】 I stared at the screen, my mind drifting. When I was a sophomore in high school, Alistair was already studying overseas. But he would message me from time to time, asking about my studies, checking in. After a few times, I got annoyed. “My brother said you’re so busy you only get six hours of sleep a night. You should spend your free time with your girlfriend,” I had replied. “My grades are fine. You don’t need to worry about me.” Alistair: 【?】 The “typing…” bubble appeared and disappeared for a long time before his next message came through. 【Tansy, I’m single.】 【I appreciate the concern, but I still have time to help you with your studies.】 I was stunned. He and Sarah had broken up? A mix of surprise, confusion, and elation exploded in my chest. I made a bold decision: after graduation, I would try to win him over. But then… Leo had personally confirmed that Alistair was single because he was waiting for his old flame. Chloe’s messages were still flooding in when the front door opened. It was Alistair. Our eyes met. My mouth opened, but no words came out. I quickly looked away. It was always like this. The moment I saw him, all the things I wanted to say evaporated. I clutched my phone and hurried into the bedroom. 【Alistair’s back. He didn’t go.】 【But something happened tonight.】 【I’m not sure what he’s thinking now.】 Chloe sent back a facepalm emoji. 【Just ask him.】 【Stop retreating into your shell every time something happens! You’re driving me crazy!】 【Are you just going to let Sarah be a thorn in your side forever?】 【Listen to me. Go put on that battle armor I got you. Ask him while you’re doing it. You won’t have the energy to overthink things. I guarantee you’ll get an answer.】 【The last time I was at your place for dinner, the way Alistair looked at you was anything but innocent. Based on your condom consumption rate, I’d say he’s at least attracted to you. The rest isn’t impossible.】 【Go, Tansy.】
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