End of the Line

For our college graduation trip, my five-person friend group agreed to take a cross-country Amtrak train out to the Colorado Rockies. It was me, my boyfriend, two childhood guy friends, and my female best friend. I had known them all for fifteen years. On the day we booked the tickets, my best friend mentioned the system only had four sleeper cabins and one twenty-six-hour coach seat left. Before I could even open my mouth, my boyfriend had already assigned the coach seat to me. "You’re healthy. Pulling an all-nighter in a regular seat won't kill you." My best friend softly offered to take the coach seat instead. But the two guys immediately pushed her back down into her chair. "You have a bad back, Chloe. Don't push it." My boyfriend grabbed my suitcase and hauled it toward the coach car, throwing a flat look over his shoulder. "She’s always been the baby of the group. Don't be petty." And honestly, I wasn't being petty. Throughout college, whenever Chloe was scared of the dark, my boyfriend walked her back to her dorm. When Chloe failed a class, my two guy friends took turns tutoring her. Even when the five of us went out to eat and there was only one dessert left, it was an unspoken rule that it went to her. The phrase I heard the most from them was: "You're the mature one, Maya. Be the bigger person." Two hours after the train pulled out of the station, I saw Chloe post on Instagram. In the photo, she was bundled up in my favorite fleece blanket, resting her head on my boyfriend’s shoulder, while the other two guys were peeling fruit for her. The caption read: [So lucky to have my three boys always spoiling me.] I stared at the words “my three boys” for a very long time. And then, I grabbed my bag and got off at the very next stop. I’m not going on this graduation trip anymore. And I don't want the four of them anymore, either. 1 Three hours after I got off the train, I was still sitting on a plastic bench in the station waiting room. I just wanted to see how long it would take them to realize I was gone. Our group chat was still popping off. Noah sent a photo of a container of sliced mangoes. [Way too sweet, but Chloe insists it’s good.] Ethan sent a candid shot. Chloe, wrapped tightly in my blanket, was curled up asleep against Liam. [The princess is finally out. Almost threw up on my sneakers earlier.] Liam, my boyfriend, replied with an eye-roll emoji. [Your fault for buying those sour plums.] They talked about the fruit, about dinner, about which hiking trail in Colorado they wanted to hit first. No one mentioned me. And not a single one of them had walked back to the coach car to check on me. At 9:00 PM, my phone finally rang. Liam’s name flashed on the screen. My chest tightened. I even started practicing how I was going to explain why I got off the train early. But the moment the call connected, his first sentence was: "Do you have any heating patches in your bag?" I froze. "What?" "Chloe’s got terrible cramps. She’s pale as a ghost." It was loud on his end. I could hear Chloe taking sharp, pained breaths. Noah was asking if she wanted water, and Ethan was loudly urging Liam to figure something out. I gripped my phone tightly. "So you called me... for a heating patch?" "Obviously. Why else?" Liam clearly didn't catch the shift in my tone. "Coach is mostly girls, right? Ask around. Someone definitely has one." "It's not really convenient for me." "It’s literally just asking a question, how is it not convenient? You think it’s easier for three grown men to ask around for period stuff?" Noah overheard him and shouted directly into the phone. "Maya, Chloe is literally crying from the pain. Can you not throw a tantrum right now?" Ethan chimed in too: "Are you seriously going to ruin the vibe of this entire trip just because you didn't get a sleeper ticket?" I stared out at the pitch-black railroad tracks outside the station window and suddenly asked: "Do you guys even know where I am right now?" The other end of the line went dead silent for two seconds. Then, Liam answered with blatant impatience: "Where else would you be? You're in coach. Go find a heating patch, do you really want to sit there and let her suffer?" Chloe’s weak, fragile voice drifted through the speaker. "Forget it, Liam. Don't make things hard for Maya. She’s already unhappy about having to sit in coach. I can just endure it." The more she played the martyr, the more the three of them felt she was being wronged. Liam’s voice turned ice-cold. "She’s literally making excuses for you while she's in pain. What more do you want from her?" A tear broke free and hit the back of my hand. I wiped it away roughly. "Whoever wants a heating patch can go ask for it themselves." Noah lost his temper on the spot. "Would it kill you to ask?! Chloe always thinks of you whenever she has something good, is this how you repay her?" Chloe’s idea of "thinking of me" was asking if I wanted to split the cost of a cake she wanted to buy, or tagging me dead last in the corner of a group photo on Instagram. Ethan offered a cold warning: "You’re the one holding the hotel itinerary. We came out here to have fun. Do you have to make things this toxic?" I wiped my eyes until they were dry. "Then have fun." With that, I hung up. The five-person group chat immediately exploded. Noah tagged me over a dozen times. [It’s a simple favor, why are you playing dead?] [If Chloe actually ends up in the hospital, are you going to be able to live with the guilt?] Ethan piled on the blame. [We literally offered you the sleeper, you're the one who didn't take it.] When did anyone ever offer it to me? Liam sent one final message. [Hurry up and bring the heating patch here.] I didn't reply. The station intercom announced that the final connecting bus into the city was preparing for departure. I grabbed the handle of my suitcase and walked out of the station. Fifteen minutes later, Noah sent a message. [You aren't at your seat.] Ethan immediately asked: [Is she going around looking for the heating patch?] It took Liam a few minutes to reply. [Good. At least she listens.] Chloe sent a little giggling emoji. [I knew Maya wouldn't abandon me.] Half an hour passed. I still hadn't appeared. Liam’s calls started coming in one after another. I declined every single one. Soon, he sent a voice memo. "If you can't borrow one, just come back to our cabin. Noah saved you some fruit, you can come have a few bites." My eyes burned. But the voice memo wasn't over. "Chloe needs to use the restroom, you should be here to help her walk." The bus slowly pulled away from the station. Liam sent another text. [I told Noah to wait for you by the doors of our train car.] [Hurry up. Stop wandering around.] I looked out the bus window. The little rural train station was disappearing into the distance. And they still fully believed I was on that train. 2 Noah waited by the doors of the sleeper car for twenty minutes. I never showed up. He sent an audio message. "Maya, where the hell did you run off to?" "If you can't find the patch, just come back. No one is mad at you." He paused, then added: "The mango is still here. If you don't get here soon, Ethan is going to finish it." Growing up, whenever Noah and I got into a fight, he would always save me a bite of whatever he was eating to make peace. When I was twelve, we had a massive argument. He left the very last popsicle from the freezer on my front porch and refused to leave until I opened the door and took it. Listening to that voice memo, my resolve actually wavered for a second. Maybe if I just laid everything out and explained it clearly, they would understand that giving me the coach seat without asking wasn't okay. I had just typed the word "I" when Noah's next audio message popped up. "Chloe is hurting so bad she can't walk." "Hurry back so you can help her to the bathroom." I deleted the text in my input box. My phone vibrated again. This time it was Ethan. [Pick a better time to throw a tantrum.] [Chloe might have stained her pants. Are her extra clothes in your suitcase?] Before we left, Chloe complained her own suitcase was too full and shoved two outfits and her entire toiletry bag into mine. I had told her I didn't want to carry it. Her eyes had instantly welled with tears. "Maya, do you think I'm annoying?" In the end, Liam had agreed on my behalf. He said I was strong, and carrying a few extra shirts wouldn't tire me out. No one bothered to ask if my suitcase was already full. I didn't reply. Ethan sent two more messages. [When you come back, we'll make some room for you on the bunks.] [It's better than sitting in coach all night.] At a glance, it almost looked like they cared. But they were only calling me over so I could fetch clothes and play bathroom attendant for Chloe. Once the chores were done, I would undoubtedly be sent right back to coach. Liam called again. I stared at the screen for a long time, but finally answered. "Where exactly are you?" His tone had softened slightly. "The train is crowded. Don't wander around aimlessly." My nose stung. "Are you worried about me?" "Of course I'm worried." He answered without missing a beat. "Stop acting out." "Come back and have some fruit. I'll take you to the dining car to buy you actual food later." Suddenly, there was a muffled groan through the phone. Chloe was apparently in pain again. Liam immediately asked me: "Did you bring her clothes?" "No." "Then go back and get them." "I can't." The softness in his voice vanished instantly. "I am literally coaxing you right now, what more do you want?" "Chloe's pants are dirty, how is she supposed to be seen like this? You're her best friend, shouldn't you be here for her when she needs you?" Liam sounded so incredibly self-righteous. I stared at the unfamiliar street lamps passing by the bus window. "What about you?" "You are my boyfriend." "I've been sitting alone in a coach car for hours. Why didn't I see you coming back to keep me company?" He went silent for a moment. "Is that the same thing?" "You're not the one who's sick." There it was again. Because I'm healthy, I don't get tired. Because I know how to take care of myself, I can always, permanently be placed last. "Then figure it out yourselves." I hung up the phone. A few minutes later, Chloe sent a message to the group chat. [Maya, I know you don't like me.] [But staining my pants wasn't intentional. Please don't fight with Liam because of me.] Noah replied instantly: [It has nothing to do with you. She's just spoiled.] So leaving me a couple of pieces of oxidized fruit meant I was "spoiled." Liam sent me a private photo. It was a picture of a lukewarm bento box, the remaining mangoes, and a bottle of my favorite orange juice. [Saved this for you.] [Come back, I won't scold you.] I stared at the photo for a long time. If there hadn't been a follow-up message, I might have actually cracked. [Remember to bring Chloe's clothes.] I turned off my phone completely and walked into a cheap motel near the bus terminal. Half an hour later, Noah posted a photo of the untouched bento box to the group chat. [We gave her an out and she refused to take it.] Chloe asked timidly: [Is Maya still mad at me?] Liam replied: [Ignore her.] [She'll come crawling back when she gets hungry.] A hot, heavy tear hit the back of my hand, feeling like it was burning my skin. They were so unbelievably certain that I would come back. Because for the last fifteen years, I was always the one who turned around. But this time, I truly wasn't looking back. 3 The next morning, I was woken up by the relentless vibrating of my phone turning back on. Liam had called thirteen times. The unread messages in the group chat had maxed out at 99+. At 2:00 AM, Ethan had messaged: [You still aren't back at your seat?] Noah followed up: [I went back to check again. The seat is still empty.] Chloe asked: [Is Maya hiding somewhere crying?] It took Liam a few minutes to reply. [She likes to be alone to cool off after an argument.] [Just let her be.] At 3:00 AM, Liam sent me a private text. [Don't fall asleep in the vestibule between the cars, the draft is freezing.] I stared at that sentence, a dull ache spreading through my chest. He knew it was freezing out there. Yet it never once occurred to him to ask why I would rather hide in a freezing vestibule than return to their side. At 6:00 AM, Noah sent a photo of a hard-boiled egg. [Saved for you. Hurry up and come back to eat.] Ethan posted a picture of breakfast. [The coffee is getting cold.] These habits, preserved over a decade, looked so much like genuine care. But they always fell just a little bit short. Chloe soon sent a voice memo. "Maya, please stop being mad." "Liam and the guys took turns looking after me all night, they barely slept." "Can you come back and watch the luggage so they can get some sleep? Please?" I looked at the breakfast photos and suddenly laughed. They weren't afraid I was starving. They just wanted me to clock in for my shift. Liam sent a text. [Come back and eat breakfast. I'll make ten minutes for you to lie down on my bunk.] I replied: [And then?] [What do you mean 'and then'?] [After I lie down for ten minutes, then what?] It took him half a minute to reply. [You take over keeping Chloe company.] See? Even ten minutes of basic rest had to be bought by taking care of Chloe. I headed into town and called an Uber. Liam's name popped up on my screen again. I answered it. "Did you eat anything?" This was the very first time since I got off the train that he had actually asked if I had eaten. "I ate." "What did you have?" "Noodles." "You have a sensitive stomach, don't eat spicy food first thing in the morning." His voice had completely returned to its old, gentle warmth. "We're almost at the next major station, just come back to our car. I'll have Noah save you a spot on the bottom bunk so you can sit for half an hour." I gripped my phone. "Liam." "Yeah?" "Have you guys seriously not realized something yet?" "Realized what?" I turned to look out the Uber window. That train was already hundreds of miles away from me. Yet they still firmly believed I was sulking in some random train car, waiting for them to coax me out. "Nothing." On the other end of the line, Chloe suddenly called his name. She said she felt a chill and wanted some hot water. Liam agreed, then said to me: "Are you near the dining car? Grab a cup of hot water and bring it over on your way." I didn't answer. He waited a few seconds, his tone growing impatient again. "I already asked you if you ate. How much more do you want me to coax you?" "It's just grabbing a cup of water. Do you really have to throw a fit over this?" Apparently, simply asking if I had eaten was supposed to instantly neutralize all my grievances. I hung up the phone. Noah quickly tagged me in the group chat. [Liam already swallowed his pride, don't push it.] Ethan added: [We arrive in six hours.] [If you have a problem, wait until we're off the train to throw your tantrum. Don't make everyone miserable.] Liam sent one last text. [Don't run off when we get to the station.] [We'll come to the coach car to get you.] I stared at those two lines of text, and I honestly couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces when they finally realized I wasn't there. 4 With three hours left until they reached their destination, Liam called again. I didn't answer. He sent a voice memo. "How long are you going to keep this up?" "We saved you food, we offered to let you rest. You won't come back, you won't answer your phone. Everyone is genuinely worried about you." Hearing that last sentence, my eyes still turned red. Fifteen years of history isn't something you can just erase. Even though they only ever reached out to me when they needed something for Chloe, hearing the words "worried about you" still sparked a pathetic glimmer of hope. The next voice memo autoplayed immediately. "Chloe is running a slight fever." "Did you pack any Tylenol? Bring it over right now." The tiny spark of hope that had just ignited was instantly extinguished. At 10:00 AM, Ethan sent a message. [One hour until arrival.] [When we get off, don't wander off alone. Meet us at the main exit.] Noah sent a photo of the fruit container. The mangoes had turned completely brown and oxidized. Only two sad pieces remained. [Saved this specifically for you.] [Don't ever say we don't think about you.] I looked at those two oxidized, leftover pieces of fruit and couldn't help but laugh out loud. Chloe got an entire, freshly cut container. I got the brown leftovers. But in the past, I actually would have been happy. At least they hadn't forgotten me entirely. Liam sent the final message. [Once we get to Denver, I'll take you to that famous steakhouse you wanted to try.] [This time you don't have to look after Chloe. I'll just keep you company.] I stared at the screen for a long time before replying: [Really?] [Really.] A few seconds later, he sent two more messages. [But it's Chloe's first time in Colorado, so obviously we have to eat together.] [She's timid, so please, stop giving her attitude.] I put my phone down. So "keeping me company" still meant bringing her along as the main character. He never once asked why I was unhappy. Because in his mind, all my emotions were just me being immature. As the train prepared to pull into the station, the group chat came alive. Chloe had changed into a new sundress and twirled for a video. Noah told her she looked beautiful. Ethan reminded her to put on sunscreen. Liam helped her shoulder her backpack, reminding her not to wander off in the crowd. They hovered around her, double-checking her phone and her ID. No one checked on me. Once the train came to a complete stop, Liam sent a voice memo. "We're getting off." "Just wait at your seat. Don't try to push through the crowd in the aisles." "Noah is coming to get you." It sounded exactly like when we were kids. After school, he would always tell me to stand by the front gates and not move. He said he would always come to get me. And eventually, they all just assumed that I would never, ever walk away on my own. I took one last look at Liam's profile picture, and powered off my phone. Meanwhile, Noah, holding the oxidized mangoes, shoved his way upstream against the crowd pouring out of the coach car. When he reached my assigned seat, he stopped. The seat was completely empty. A cleaning lady was wiping down the tray table opposite it. Noah looked frantically around the car. "Excuse me, do you know where the girl who was sitting here went?" The cleaning lady paused to think. "Shoulder-length hair, dragging a white hardshell suitcase?" "Yes." "Oh, she left ages ago." Noah frowned. "Is she in the bathroom?" The cleaning lady looked at him like he was crazy. "What bathroom?" "She grabbed her suitcase and got off the train last night." The irritation on Noah's face froze solid. "Last night?" "Yeah." The lady added casually: "Before she left, she sat in that seat for a really long time." "She was crying all by herself, and nobody ever came looking for her." Noah didn't say a word. The plastic container in his hand tilted slightly. The two rotting mangoes rolled to the side, smearing sticky, brown juice against the plastic. His head snapped up to look at the overhead luggage rack. There were only a few unfamiliar backpacks left. No white hardshell suitcase. Nothing that belonged to me. It was only in that exact moment that it finally clicked. I hadn't gone looking for a heating patch. I wasn't hiding in the vestibule waiting for them to coax me. I hadn't been on this train since yesterday evening.

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