Remorse

1 During the seventh month of my pregnancy, I discovered that Keanu had acquired a close female confidante. They shared everything. Their chemistry was effortless, an unspoken rhythm that seemed to bridge their every gap. Every single day, Keanu bought two bouquets of flowers, one for me, and one for her. Yet, he never crossed the line. That was until she sent him a message: If you had met me first, would you have married me? Keanu never replied. But he stood on our balcony and smoked through the entire night. … Today, Keanu was entirely somewhere else. Several times he opened his mouth as if to say something, only to swallow his words and look away. In the end, I was the one who broke the silence. "Is something wrong?" Keanu let out a heavy sigh. "I have to go on a business trip to Oakport. I should be back tomorrow. But you can't be left alone right now. Forget it, I'll have someone else cover it." As he spoke, I kept my eyes on him, watching the earnest, deeply concerned expression on his face. He met my gaze openly, without a single hint of evasion. "What is it, Vivi?" he asked, looking genuinely puzzled. I shook my head slowly. "Nothing." Then I said, "You should go." "But what about you?" "I'll have my mother come over and stay with me." Ever since I became pregnant, Keanu had been incredibly attentive. Especially as my belly grew larger, he hated the idea of leaving me alone. He had canceled countless business dinners and social events just to stay home and care for me. "What if something happens and there's no one around?" he used to say. "I'll be worrying the entire time anyway. I might as well stay." Even on the rare occasions he absolutely had to step out, he would wait until my mother arrived, repeating a thousand instructions to make sure I was looked after. My mother would always laugh. "She is my own daughter, Keanu. Do you really think I'd neglect her?" But today, he only hesitated for a mere two seconds before nodding. "Alright. Take care of yourself. I'll be back as fast as I can. Call me if anything comes up." He left in a hurry. He packed only a single change of clothes before rushing out the door. I sat on the sofa, remaining completely still. I even managed to wave and offer a gentle smile when he turned back to look at me one last time before closing the door. When the lock clicked, I still did not move. But my spine, which had been held perfectly straight and rigid, finally collapsed. Keanu was acting strange. Everything about him today was off. Yet I did not say a single extra word, nor did I ask a single question. Because I already knew exactly where he was going, and who he was going to see. 2 In the beginning, I did not know the woman's name. I only knew her last name was Xu, and Keanu referred to her as Valerie. I met her for the first time a year ago, back when I was not yet pregnant. I was waiting for Keanu in a newly opened café right beneath his office building. I had not told him I was coming, planning to call him once lunchtime rolled around. But he suddenly walked in. The woman behind the counter, who had been leaning lazily against the register, immediately straightened up. Keanu offered her a brief nod. She smiled and flashed him a subtle OK gesture. It was a silent, effortless understanding. I have always believed that unspoken chemistry between a man and a woman is a terrifying thing. It easily tricks both parties into believing they are destined for one another. But at the time, that unsettling thought only flickered through my mind for a second, and I brushed it aside. When Keanu finally noticed me, he was genuinely startled. He hurried over, asking what I was doing there. "Waiting to have lunch with you," I said. "Why didn't you call me?" "I didn't want to disrupt your work," I replied, looking at him. "Why did you come down?" He rubbed the bridge of his nose with a weary sigh. "Work has been incredibly frustrating. I needed to get out for a walk and grab a coffee. They make excellent butter cookies here, you should try some." He raised his hand slightly. "Valerie, another order of cookies, please." Meeting the woman's curious gaze, he offered a warm, proud smile. "This is my wife, Vivian." That day, they were both entirely natural. Keanu introduced me without a trace of guilt. Valerie greeted me warmly and even took our order off the bill. Keanu mentioned that their coffee was exceptionally authentic, so his company had started ordering all their afternoon tea catering from her shop. That was how they became familiar. Back then, I truly believed they were just a simple shop owner and a regular customer. I did not know that the delicious cookies she served us were actually a private batch, never sold to the public. And I certainly did not know that Valerie would eventually send Keanu a message, asking him: If you had met me first, would you have married me? 3 Keanu sent me a text at ten o'clock that evening. He said he had just finished his meetings and had checked into his hotel. He claimed he was exhausted, so we would skip our usual evening video call. He reminded me to take care of myself and to call him if anything happened. I replied to each message patiently, telling him not to worry and that I was perfectly fine. Then, I dialed the number for the café downstairs. "Is Valerie around? I was hoping to speak with her," I asked the girl who answered. The waitress was young and naive. Hearing my familiar tone, she assumed I was a close friend. "Oh, she's out! She left earlier this afternoon. Today is actually her birthday, so she's probably out on a romantic date with her boyfriend. She left holding a massive bouquet of red roses, it was so sweet!" I thanked her, ordered a take-out coffee to end the call, and hung up. This city is vast. Trying to find two people in the dark should have been impossible. But Keanu had bought me a smart tracking watch a few months ago. Before he left the house today, I had quietly slipped it into the side pocket of his laptop bag. He had bought it for me during my fourth month of pregnancy. My morning sickness had been exceptionally severe. By the fourth month, my weight was still dropping instead of increasing. I did not realize I had developed severe anemia, nor did I expect to faint in the middle of a crowded shopping mall due to the stuffy air. Keanu had been absolutely terrified. His hands were still trembling when I woke up in the hospital room. The watch was meant to monitor my heart rate and track my location in real-time in case of another emergency. It was a luxury model, which meant its GPS positioning was incredibly precise. Just like now, the signal showed it had been stationary on the twelfth floor of a luxury hotel for over three hours. I did not pack my bags and rush over in the middle of the night. I was only twenty-three days away from my due date. In the end, I still cared about my own safety and the life of my child. I threw away the coffee, drank a warm glass of milk, and lay down on our soft bed, listening to the soothing hum of white noise. Yet, sleep refused to come. My mind kept drifting back to that night a little over a month ago. That was the very first time I had ever pried into Keanu's phone. He had been so incredibly restless lately. He sliced his finger while peeling an apple for me. He shattered a mug while pouring water. Finally, with a dark, suffocating expression, he had kicked a kitchen chair across the room. I had screamed in fright. He immediately apologized, claiming he was just stressed about a difficult project at work, swearing he had not meant to scare me. But when I woke up in the middle of the night, the bed beside me was cold and empty. Keanu was standing on the balcony, smoking one cigarette after another in the dark. With a heart that felt like it was already flatlining, I unlocked his phone. The screen was still open to his messages. The contact, saved simply as 'V,' had sent a message earlier that afternoon. If you had met me first, would you have married me? Keanu had not replied. He had not typed a single word in response. But that night, my heart died right there in the glow of his screen. 4 I arrived at the hotel lobby at six in the morning, carrying our marriage certificate and household registration documents. I laid them neatly on the front desk. "Keanu is my husband. I need to know which room he is registered in. If you cannot disclose this to me, I will call the police immediately." I did not have the energy to argue or plead. I was tired. A deep, bone-weary exhaustion had settled into my soul. The receptionist froze, her expression shifting from confusion to hesitation, and finally to deep, silent pity. "Please wait a moment, ma'am. I will look it up for you right away." She quickly gave me the room number and even asked if I needed someone to accompany me upstairs. I offered her a polite, faint smile and shook my head. Clutching my swollen belly, I stepped into the elevator. Keanu did not make me wait long. I had only been standing in the quiet hallway for about forty minutes when the door swung open. Keanu stood in the doorway, his hand still resting on the handle. Behind him, a pair of slender arms wrapped gently around his waist. "Keanu, thank you for last night. I will remember this for the rest of my..." She never finished her sentence. Keanu violently threw her arms off him, his entire body stiffening in panic. He had spotted me. He took a frantic step forward. But my gaze drifted past him, looking into the room. Valerie had stumbled back onto the carpet. Her bright red silk slip dress had ridden up, exposing her bare legs. She was staring at Keanu's back, her eyes filled with a mixture of profound sorrow and hurt. "Vivi," Keanu's voice trembled violently as he called my name. So did mine. The hands I held behind my back were shaking uncontrollably. I had thought I was mentally prepared. I had thought I could face this with absolute coldness. But now that the moment was here, I realized I could barely keep myself upright. "Where is the car?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. "In the underground parking lot." "Let's go." I leaned heavily against the wallpapered wall, turning toward the elevators. Keanu reached out, trying to support me. "Don't touch me!" I hissed, a low, fierce warning. His hand froze in mid-air, trembling, before he slowly drew it back. He followed me at a cautious distance, his eyes locked on my every step. That was when Valerie came rushing out into the hallway. "Mrs. [Vivian], you don't need to act like this! There was nothing sordid between Keanu and me!" Her tone was remarkably calm, her face filled with stubborn pride. The moment the words left her mouth, I turned and delivered a sharp slap across Keanu's face. The sound cracked through the quiet hallway. "Ah!" Valerie let out a horrified gasp. "How dare you hit him?!" She lunged forward, her hands reaching out in distress, trying to touch the dark red mark blooming on Keanu's cheek. Keanu flinched away, avoiding her touch entirely. He looked at me, his eyes pleading. "Vivi, please. Let's just go home." Valerie clenched her fists, glaring at me with raw hostility. "Mrs. [Vivian], if you have an issue, take it out on me! Why are you hitting Keanu?!" "Be quiet," Keanu muttered. Valerie stared at him in utter disbelief. "I am trying to help you!" "I said, shut up!" Keanu snapped, his voice sharp with desperation. He did not offer Valerie a single glance. His eyes remained fixed entirely on me as he pleaded once more. "Vivi, please. Let's go home." 5 "Vivi, I can explain. "Yesterday was Valerie's birthday. She doesn't have any close friends in the city, and she just wanted some company. "I only stayed to help her celebrate. Absolutely nothing happened between us. "I was wrong to lie to you, and I am so sorry. "I was just terrified that you would get upset and overthink things. "I made a mistake. If it bothers you, I will never see her again. "She really is just a friend." ... "Vivi, please say something to me. "Don't do this. You're terrifying me." ... Ever since we returned to the apartment, Keanu had not stopped talking. He offered endless explanations, apologies, and self-reproach. I wanted to speak. But my throat felt as though it were packed with dry cotton, choking back every single syllable. I did not know where to begin. I did not know what there was left to say. In the end, I only managed to whisper a few quiet words. "Keanu, let's get a divorce." The words made Keanu flinch as if he had been struck. He clenched his fists tightly, closing his eyes to suppress a sudden wave of frantic anger. When he opened them, his voice was tight. "Nothing happened between us, Vivi. We drank some wine and we talked. That was it. Please, don't do this. I know you're angry, and I know I messed up. I'll accept any punishment you want. But you have to believe me, I did not betray you." What did betrayal even mean to him? "You held her, didn't you? You probably kissed her too. You smell like her perfume. And right here..." I pointed to his bottom lip. "A bite mark." Keanu froze, his lips pressing into a hard, defensive line. I looked at him, feeling a profound, echoing despair. "How much further did you need to go, Keanu? Did I need to catch you in the act? You stayed in a hotel room with her for an entire night. How do you expect me to believe you? How can I ever trust you again?" Keanu's head fell forward. He dropped to his knees in front of me, his hands hovering near my lap, wanting to hold me but not daring to make contact. "Vivi, I was stupid. I lost my mind for a moment. But I swear, we didn't go any further than that. I beg you, think of our years together. Think of the baby we are about to have. Just give me one more chance." How utterly tragic. He knew exactly how many years we had spent building this life. He knew our child was about to be born. Yet he still chose to do what he did. And now, he expected me to use those very things as a reason to forgive him. The weight of every suffocating memory, every silent doubt, came crashing down on me all at once. I looked around our beautiful apartment, my eyes finally resting on my swollen stomach. Tears began to spill over, hot and uncontrollable. A low, wounded sob escaped my throat, sounding like a trapped animal. Keanu panicked, reaching out to shield me. "Vivi, Vivi, what's wrong? What are you looking for? Tell me, I'll get it for you!" His voice was the spark that finally lit the fuse. I broke down completely, sobbing hysterically. "I want a divorce! I just want to get away from you!" 6 This year marked our fourth year of marriage. When we first found out about the pregnancy, we were both ecstatic. But the journey had been anything but smooth. My morning sickness was so violent that I could barely keep any food down. But if I didn't eat, my body would begin to shut down. I had to force myself to swallow every bite. I spent those early months crying nearly every single day. The physical torment was so agonizing that there were moments I wished I could simply close my eyes and never wake up. We had briefly discussed ending the pregnancy. But the moment we saw the first sign of spotting, panic seized both of us. I ended up bedridden in the hospital for an entire month, fighting to keep the baby. During those early stages, I felt as though I were recovering from a near-fatal illness. I suffered from severe malnutrition, chronic anemia, and then that sudden collapse in the mall. To call it a chaotic time would be an understatement. This tiny life inside me seemed so fragile, yet so incredibly stubborn. I was terrified that the stress of the divorce would trigger an early labor. I kept my phone fully charged, ready to dial emergency services at any second. I did not dare to scream, to smash things, or to let my rage consume me. Even my tears had to be quietly choked back. Until I couldn't hold them back any longer. The physical strain of my sobbing triggered a violent wave of nausea, and I threw up. I knelt on the bathroom floor, clutching the toilet bowl, gasping through a pain that felt as though my very organs were being torn apart. Keanu pounded frantically on the bathroom door. He begged me to open it, to let him in. He yelled at me, telling me not to gamble with my life and the baby's health. I huddled on the cold tiles, protectively wrapping my arms around my stomach. I had wanted to end this with some semblance of dignity. But the moment Keanu's heart began to wander, my dignity had already been trampled into the dirt. My parents were eventually called to the apartment by Keanu. It was only when I heard my mother's soft, worried voice through the wood that I finally unlocked the door. My father, usually a gentle and mild-tempered man, looked colder than I had ever seen him. "Is this how you care for my daughter?" he asked Keanu, his voice dripping with quiet fury. They packed my things and took me with them. Keanu did not dare to stop them. Once we arrived at my parents' house, my father sat down beside me. "What do you want to do, Vivi?" "I want a divorce," I whispered, my voice raw. He remained silent for a long moment, before nodding slowly. "Then we will get you a divorce." That night, my mother slept beside me. She held me close, gently rubbing my back, never asking a single question about what had happened. The quiet, unquestioning support of my parents slowly brought me back to sanity. The next morning, Keanu arrived at their doorstep. He brought my favorite breakfast, offering my parents a tight, forced smile as he greeted them. They offered a curt nod and quietly left the house, giving us the space to speak. Keanu held the container of warm dumplings, looking at me with desperate, pleading eyes. "Vivi, please eat a little." My face remained entirely blank. "Keanu, we need to talk." He held the container for a long time, his shoulders slumping, before he finally nodded. "Okay." 7 Where were we even supposed to begin? I looked at him. "I gave you opportunities, Keanu. I truly tried to pretend none of this was happening." Keanu froze, looking at me with a bewildered expression. I let out a bitter, mocking laugh. "The day Valerie asked you if you would have married her had you met her first. You became restless, angry, and you couldn't sleep all night because of that single question. While you were standing on the balcony smoking through the dark, I unlocked your phone." I had always believed that snooping through a partner's phone was a pathetic thing to do. The moment you feel the need to do it, the trust is already dead. If there is no trust left between two people, what is the point of staying together? Yet, despite holding those beliefs, I had still ended up doing exactly that. My words made Keanu stiffen. His body leaned back slightly, a subconscious instinct to flee from the truth. He clenched his fists, taking a deep, shuddering breath. "But I never replied to her." I wiped away a tear that had slipped down my cheek. "Yes, you didn't reply. But your silence was far more agonizing than any answer could have been." A suffocating quiet filled the room once more. Keanu opened his mouth several times, but no sound came out. Finally, he spoke, his voice entirely devoid of confidence. "If you read those messages, then you must know that we never crossed any lines before last night. I only ever saw her as a friend. And the night before last... yes, we had too much to drink, and we lost our heads for a moment. But we stopped there. We didn't go any further. Vivi, I swear, I never actually cheated on you." I did not look at him. I only let out a long, weary sigh. "On April third, the day of my anatomy scan. It was the very first time we were going to see what our baby looked like. I was so incredibly excited. But you told me you couldn't make it because of an urgent board meeting. In reality, you had planned a hiking trip with Valerie. "Every morning, you ordered two bouquets of baby's breath from the florist downstairs. You took one with you in the morning to give to her, and you brought the other one home to me at night. The only exception was Valentine's Day. That morning, you took a bouquet of nineteen red roses with you. "The executive elevator in your office building requires a security card. Valerie complained once about how long she had to wait for the public elevators, so you gave her your spare card. "You told me your shoulder was aching, and she went to the hospital to get special medicated patches for you. For weeks, you smelled of menthol. When I asked about it, you told me you bought them yourself at a pharmacy. "On your birthday, after I fell asleep, you slipped out of the apartment in the middle of the night. Valerie met you downstairs and gave you a pair of designer cufflinks. She asked if she was the first person to wish you a happy birthday, and you told her yes. "Your texting shorthand was effortless. She would text 'Go?' and you would reply 'Go!' She would text 'Rooftop' and you would reply '1.' She would text 'Tired' and you would reply 'Almost there.' "The day you traded in your car, you took her along for the test drive. She told you the salesman mistook her for your wife, and you replied with a single awkward emoji, followed by a screen full of laughter. "Every single day on your drive home from work, you spent twenty-seven minutes on the phone with her. At a normal speaking pace, you two exchanged thousands of words daily. Aside from when we were first dating, when was the last time we ever spoke that much in a single day?" The Keanu who spoke to Valerie was someone I did not recognize. No, that was not entirely true. The Keanu from our university days had been exactly like that. Lively, talkative, even a little childish. It was just that the person on the receiving end was no longer me. That realization felt like a thousand ants biting at my skin, slowly consuming me from the inside out. Keanu's head bowed lower and lower. "I only saw her as a friend," he whispered, his voice completely hollow. "Sometimes I was just so exhausted, and talking to her made things easier. We were just talking, Vivi. What do I have to do to make you believe me?" A heavy, crushing weight pulled me down into the sofa. "Keanu, do you have any idea how much I wished you had actually slept with her? This unspoken chemistry, this effortless understanding you shared... it was like a guillotine suspended right over my head. I never knew when the blade was going to fall. I had to live every single second in terror, waiting for it. I tried to pretend I didn't see it. I debated whether I should just close my eyes and let it go." I really had hesitated. I was pregnant. Our child was about to be born. They had not actually slept together. Should I face the ugly truth, or should I just pretend everything was fine? But the moment I had closed his phone that night and turned away, pretending nothing was wrong, I had already made my choice. "I thought I could do it. But ever since I found those messages, I stopped trusting you. Every single time you left my sight, I assumed you were with her. I wondered what you were saying, what you were doing. Those doubts chewed away at my sanity every single minute of the day. I was being driven mad, Keanu! You were driving me absolutely insane!" I sobbed, the pain tearing through my chest. Those had been the most agonizing weeks of my life. I felt as though I were standing on the brink of complete madness. Until you finally agreed to spend that night with her. She had texted you: Maybe if you do this, I can finally let you go. Show me some mercy, Keanu. And you replied: Okay. In that exact second, the guillotine fell. And I chose to survive. "Keanu, let's get a divorce."

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