A person only has one heart, and my husband wanted mine for his student. At a friends dinner, my husband got down on one knee and told me his student needed my heart. "She needs the transplant as soon as possible." I went blank for a second. "A person only has one heart." "I'll get you the best cardiac surgeon in the city. We'll put in an LVAD." "I'm three months from my due date." "The baby... we can try again. We'd have to let go of this one." Before I could even respond, a girl's laugh cut through the room. "April Fools, Professor! I made the whole thing up." She was grinning behind her hand. "I didn't actually think you'd go ask your wife." The room erupted and friends started teasing. "That was brutal, man. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place." "If she'd said she needed my heart, I'd already be on the operating table." I was the only one not laughing. I sat on the couch and said nothing. I'd already booked the appointment for tomorrow. ... Julian had never once been angry at Clara. He'd always treated this frail, sickly student like she was made of glass. But this time he stood up and his face went cold. The room caught on and fell silent. After a long pause someone quietly reminded Clara, "You know that joke landed on his wife, right? That's the one line you don't cross with him." "He's famous for it at the institute. First year on the job, a colleague cracked one joke about Sienna and ended up in the hospital." Clara froze and tears gathered on her lashes. She reached out and tugged the edge of Julian's sleeve. "I'm sorry. It's April Fools. I wasn't thinking." He didn't answer so she turned to me and sniffled. "Mrs. Thorne, I didn't mean anything by it. If you're upset, say whatever you need to. I can take it." Friends jumped in to smooth things over. "She's always been like this, says things without thinking. Don't let it get between you two." "Come on, Julian. She's been your student for three years and you even put her in your acknowledgments. You're not going to let one bad joke ruin that, are you?" Julian's expression finally softened and he reached over to wipe the corner of her eye. "Don't make jokes like that again." Clara nodded over and over. Then he turned to me and his voice softened into something close to an apology. "I'm sorry, Sienna. I came to you before I even knew the facts." Came to me for help. A heart transplant and he called it help. That was the word he chose. It wasn't the first time. Anything that touched Clara turned this normally sharp and rational professor into someone emotional and careless with his words. He drove fourteen hundred miles on New Year's Eve because she texted him about cramps. When I asked he just said, "She's not well. I was worried." But I was five months pregnant and alone the whole night. He wasn't worried. I was in pain with contractions coming in waves and I couldn't even speak. He wasn't worried. Morning sickness, edema, clumps of hair on the shower floor every day. He wasn't worried. With me he was always perfectly rational, like a machine. "Sienna, growing a life is hard. You'll feel better once the baby's here." I became short-tempered and easy to cry and easy to snap, but he chalked it all up to hormones and said a few words and went to his study. Every time, I had to force down the urge to go after him. And yet in the acknowledgments of the paper he'd spent five years writing, the first name listed was hers. Clara, an undergrad who had no real research experience to speak of. By the time I found out it was already in the news. In the interview Julian was relaxed, almost offhand. "In five years of teaching, Clara isn't the most talented student I've had. But she's the most resilient." "I'm grateful she came into my life. She gave me the courage to keep going."
That day I dropped my favorite vase. Julian saw the pieces on the floor and told the housekeeper to clean it up. But that vase was one we'd made together in the Cotswolds, the year we were most in love. He'd said with a straight face that it was going to be a family heirloom. "Let me put it back together." I crouched down with my hands shaking and tried to match the fragments. He frowned and pulled me up. "It's just a vase." My eyes went hot. He glanced at my stomach. "Baby acting up again?" I told myself he was like this with everything, that not caring about keepsakes was just who he was. But that night when I brought fruit to his study I saw a locked display case on the shelf. Inside, under glass, was a ballpoint pen. The kind you get for a few dollars at any campus shop. Clara had given it to him. It was like having cold water dumped over my head. We had our worst fight. I broke the case open and threw the pen in the trash but he picked it up like it was something precious. When he looked at me his eyes were full of impatience. "Look at yourself, Sienna. You sound unhinged." "You broke the vase yourself. What exactly are you blaming me for?" I told him to swear to me that he hadn't fallen for her. If he had, I said, neither of them would come to any good. Julian, a man who'd never believed in anything he couldn't prove, actually hesitated. After a long pause he finally spoke. "You're right. I did fall for her." "But we haven't crossed any lines and we won't. You don't need to act like the world is ending." I couldn't stop the tears. He sighed and reached over to smooth my hair back. "Sienna, we've been together eleven years. There's nothing left to surprise me." "To be blunt, kissing you feels like going through the motions." "Sometimes I even regret it, getting married so young, going abroad right after we turned eighteen. I didn't know back then that I'd feel this way about someone else ten years later." The same man who once set off fireworks across the whole city just to make me smile was now standing over me and talking about his feelings for another woman like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Clara's different. She's light. She doesn't carry herself the way you do." "She likes doing silly things. Watches those cheesy romance movies. Stops to feed stray cats on the street." "You like all those same things. But when she does them I can't help it. She gets to me." When he was done he lit a cigarette and his voice turned gentle and cruel at the same time. "The title of Mrs. Thorne is yours for as long as you want it. But you're going to have to accept that she's the only one in my heart." After that night I fell apart slowly and steadily. I cried until my eyes swelled shut every morning. I tried to go numb. I tried not to notice when he came home late, tried not to care about the missed prenatal appointments, tried not to think about him taking her to Hawaii. But I was only lying to myself. Then today he knelt in front of me in front of everyone and asked me to give Clara my heart. He was even willing to give up our baby at six months to make it happen. I looked at this marriage and realized there was nothing left in it.
"Mrs. Thorne, I know I was wrong. Please forgive me." Clara's voice was steadier now and I could see something like satisfaction hiding behind her eyes. Someone backed her up. "She doesn't mean any harm. She's always been like this, says whatever comes to mind. She was drunk once and said she wanted to marry Professor Thorne." The second it came out the guy winced and covered his mouth. "That's not what I meant. I'm just saying she doesn't think before she speaks. Everyone knows you two are solid. No one could come between that." The room went dead quiet. I smiled and said nothing for a moment. Then I looked at Clara. "It's fine. I don't blame you." Everyone exhaled. Then I kept going. "Julian and I are getting a divorce. Congratulations in advance." "Sienna." Julian's face darkened. "Don't say things like that in front of everyone." "You can get down on your knees in front of everyone and ask me to give her my heart, but I can't mention a divorce?" He frowned. "It was an April Fools prank. Clara already apologized. If you keep pushing this you're the one making it awkward for everyone." Friends jumped in. "You're still pregnant. Don't stress yourself out over this." "We all saw how upset Julian got just now. He never talks to Clara like that." I looked at him and my voice was strangely calm. "You weren't upset for me. You were upset because she joked about needing a transplant. When you found out it wasn't real you were relieved." He blinked and I could see the irritation creeping into his face. "Please. Not here." "You're embarrassing yourself. And her." The exhaustion hit me all at once. I closed my eyes. "Fine. Monday. Let's get this divorce done." I stood to leave but Clara dropped to her knees in front of me. "Mrs. Thorne, please don't take this out on him. He only ever wanted me to be healthy." I looked at this girl crying her pretty tears and couldn't help but laugh. "You went to all that trouble to prove how much you matter to him. I hope it felt worth it." She went white. I stepped around her and walked out. Then behind me I heard his voice, quiet and cold. "Sienna. Don't forget your mother is at Thorne Medical." I stopped. I would never have thought Julian would use my mother against me. After a long silence I turned back and pulled Clara off the floor. "I was joking. I don't blame you for anything." She sniffled. "I'm glad. I'd hate to cause problems for him." That was the end of it. Julian drove me home. On the way he said, "I had to say that. I wouldn't actually do anything to your mother." "I'll make it up to you. I'll come with you to see the baby tomorrow." "Sienna. We've been together over ten years. I'm not without feeling for you. If you can, I hope you'll try to get along with Clara." I leaned against the window. "I meant what I said." "Julian, let's get divorced. Whatever happens with you two after that has nothing to do with me."
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