After moving into my new place, I was added to a strange group chat. The people in the chat loved to roleplay as animals to communicate. Every day, I lurked in the chat, reading their conversations with intense amusement, but I never spoke. Until one day, a mouse got into my apartment. I posted in the group: "Does anyone know a reliable exterminator or pest control service nearby?" A few moments later, someone named AAA_Orange_Cat_Exterminator tagged me. [Two cans of wet food. Non-negotiable.] [The cat is at your door. Open up.] Outside my door, there actually stood an orange tabby cat. 01 On the very first day I moved into my new apartment, I was dragged into a bizarre group chat. The group was named Maplewood HOA Community Chat. Every member’s profile picture was a cute, random animal. At first, I didn't think much of it. I just assumed the property manager added me to make sending community announcements easier. Until one day, I accidentally glanced at the chat log. Evil_Fleece_Monster: [Damn it! I got caught sneaking snacks, and my mom smacked my butt. I’m going to chew up her slippers tonight.] British_Gentleman: [Useless! How can you let the pooper-scooper assert dominance over you?] [Image: "I am the Emperor" Meme] Golden_Chubby: [I have a question. When you guys drink water, does the water ever feel... spicy?] British_Gentleman: [Idiot! Your water fountain probably has a short circuit! Kick it over immediately.] Sweet_Little_Cheese: [My mom wants to clip my nails! 911! Someone call 911 for cats!] I watched the chat with intense fascination for a long time. I figured this was just a bunch of the neighborhood kids being highly active online. Roleplaying as their pets to chat. Honestly, watching their adorable, dramatic conversations was pretty therapeutic. Suddenly, a new message popped up. [I think a stranger got into my house.] [Image: Dog secretly observing from a corner] The profile picture was a husky puppy. Judging by his previous messages, I always assumed he was a four- or five-year-old kid. My heart tightened. I was just about to ask if he was home alone. When the other group members started questioning his intelligence. [Are you SURE it’s a stranger?] [Another stranger? The last 'stranger' that broke into your house was just your dad wearing a different jacket.] [911! I'll call 911 for you!] I hesitated and decided not to tag the property manager just yet. A second later, the little husky replied: [Hehe, never mind! It was just my dad wearing a medical mask. As a reward, I'm going to pee in his room tonight.] False alarm. I thought it was hilarious, but at the same time, a faint, lingering feeling told me something was... slightly off. 02 One evening, I got home late from a job interview. The moment I flicked on the living room lights, a black shadow darted across the floorboards. My heart skipped a beat. I was just about to crouch down and check under the coffee table. When a massive rat charged directly at my foot. I screamed and jumped onto the coffee table. Terrified, I immediately typed a frantic message in the group chat. [A rat got into my apartment! Does anyone know a reliable exterminator nearby who can come immediately?! Online waiting! Urgent! Urgent!] [Meow? Rat? What’s a rat?] [A rat is a fast little toy that squeaks when you bite it. My dad doesn't let me play with them.] [Are you new here? I haven't seen you before. Why is your profile picture a human? What species is your family?] Can’t a profile picture be a human? What do you mean, ‘what species is your family’? I didn't have time to overthink it. The squeaking sounds were making every hair on my body stand up. I quickly opened Yelp to search for an emergency pest control service. Right then, someone tagged me in the group chat. AAA_Orange_Cat_Exterminator: [Two cans of wet food. Non-negotiable. Arriving immediately.] [The cat is at your door. Open up. Meow.] That fast?! I opened the front door. The hallway was completely empty. Just as I was about to close it, a sharp meow caught my attention. An incredibly polite orange tabby was sitting on my welcome mat, its front paws neatly tucked together. As we made eye contact, a completely unbelievable thought surfaced in my mind. "Are you... AAA_Orange_Cat_Exterminator?" The orange cat meowed twice. A message popped up in the group chat. [It is the cat.] [Two cans. Starting work immediately.] I found it so absurdly funny that I reached out to pat its head. The orange cat tilted its head, dodging my hand. [Meow meow meow. That costs extra. Head pats are half a sausage.] 03 I didn't own any pets, so naturally, I didn't have any cat food. I negotiated with Mr. Orange to use four sausages as payment. He licked his paws and agreed. But he demanded an installment payment plan. Deal struck. The incredibly agile Mr. Orange tracked the target from the living room straight into the kitchen. Aside from accidentally knocking over a glass of water I had left on the counter... The extermination service was successfully completed. Worried I'd be scared, Mr. Orange placed the dead rat out in the hallway. [Human. The cat accidentally broke your cup. The cat will deduct one sausage from the fee.] I shook my head. [A deal is a deal. Four sausages, not one less. But... can I get one free head pat?] Mr. Orange let out a soft, sweet meow. He lowered his head and rubbed it affectionately against the palm of my hand. Before leaving, he told me that if I ever needed him again, I could just call him in the group chat. It wasn't until the apartment was completely quiet that I finally snapped back to reality. It felt like I was dreaming. The animals in the Maplewood HOA Community Chat were actually real animals. Those profile pictures... were their actual faces. 04 No matter how magical and surreal last night’s experience was... When the sun rose the next day, I still had to hustle across this unfamiliar city for job interviews. I lived on the 12th floor. When the elevator stopped on the 10th floor, a guy walked in holding a husky on a leash. He looked familiar. To clarify, I mean the husky looked familiar. I stared at the dog unblinking. Sensing my gaze, the dog stared right back at me unblinking. The guy noticed us having a staring contest. "Do you two... know each other?" I frantically waved my hands. How was I supposed to explain that I thought his husky was the one from the group chat? I couldn't exactly ask him, Hey, did he pee in your room last night? Just then, a notification popped up from the Maplewood HOA Community Chat. My_Dad_Calls_Me_Einstein: [I just saw a lady in the elevator. She looks familiar, like I've seen her somewhere before. Hehe, she smells so good. I want to be petted.] Evil_Fleece_Monster: [Stupid dog!] British_Gentleman: [Stupid dog!] I tentatively reached my hand out, and sure enough, the husky eagerly nudged his head into my palm. The guy gave me a look that clearly said, And you claim you don't know each other? While petting the dog, I asked gently, "What's his name?" "Max." I crouched down and gently squeezed his paw. "Hi there, Max." The guy: "..." "My name is Max!" I looked up, mortified. "I am so sorry! I wasn't thinking." Max's face turned slightly red. "It's my fault for not realizing. His name is... Meatball." My_Dad_Calls_Me_Einstein: [Einstein! Lady, my name is Einstein! My stupid dad forgot my name again! Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!] Einstein immediately stood up on his hind legs and started throwing paws at Max right there in the elevator. Max cursed at the "stupid dog" while trying to block the hits. I stood to the side, laughing while trying to break up the fight. 05 After running around all morning, I interviewed at three different companies. The results weren't looking great. I decided to head home first to grab a bite to eat. While walking back along the street, I noticed a pet supply store with a "For Lease" sign in the window. Thinking about the Maplewood HOA Community Chat, a bold idea flashed through my mind. Wasn't this the ultimate, direct line to consumer demand? If I could be my own boss, why would I want to be a corporate wage slave? I quickly calculated my savings, contacted the current owner on the spot, and took over the lease. Then, I started dropping promotional messages in the group chat. [Does anyone like this new little toy?] [We just restocked new biscuits, freeze-dried snacks, and treats! Tell your pooper-scoopers to bring you to the store for free samples!] The moment those promos dropped, the group chat exploded. No dog or cat had ever posted video advertisements in the chat before. They instantly realized I was different. British_Gentleman: [It’s a human! It’s a human! It’s a real human! A human infiltrated the chat!] [Image: "The Emperor Has Fallen" Meme] AAA_Orange_Cat_Exterminator: [The cat already told you guys last time...] Sweet_Little_Cheese: [Human, can you tell my mom that I don't like getting my nails clipped?] At first, the pets in the group were stunned by my human identity. But once they realized I meant no harm, they quickly got used to it. They even started frequently asking me to pass messages along to their owners. So, I launched a special promotion. Any customer who spent over $100 in a single transaction would receive one free "Pet Consultation" session. 06 My very first customer was Max. He bought a 20-pound bag of dog food and a few chew toys for Einstein. "Can you actually communicate with them?" I gave a non-committal smile. He raised an eyebrow, smirking playfully. "Alright, then ask him this: He eats way too much, and his dad can't afford him anymore. Ask him if he can go out and get a job to support himself." I waved Einstein over, taking the opportunity to grab my phone. A moment later, I suppressed a laugh and said, "Ein... Meatball says that if you're out of money, it's okay. He can go out and eat poop. And he can take you with him. He said he'll eat the base of the poop, and you can eat the pointy top." Max looked down with an utterly indescribable expression. Einstein stared back up at him with eyes full of absolute, earnest devotion. "You stupid dog! After all the blood, sweat, and tears I sacrificed to raise you, this is how you repay your old man?!" Max violently ruffled the dog's head. My_Dad_Calls_Me_Einstein: [???] [I gave Dad the best pointy part of the poop, and he's STILL not happy! He's bullying a poor dog! Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!] Einstein stood up on his hind legs, wildly swinging his front paws, and started brawling with Max right in the middle of my store. I have no idea how a dog learned to throw hands like a boxer.
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