Ten Years of Scars: My Countdown to Leaving Him

I was with Caleb for ten years. I tattooed his favorite flower, a gardenia, on my collarbone. When he finally agreed to marry me, he was keeping an 18-year-old girl on the side. Before our wedding, he indulged in her "breakup countdown." He took her bungee jumping, skiing, and flew her to Iceland to see the Northern Lights. But he didn't know I was dying. I booked a flight out of the country, donated his entire net worth, and got my tattoos lasered off. While he was counting down the days to our wedding, I was planning my escape. 01 On the day I was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer, the young girl Caleb was keeping on the side came to find me. "I know I'm the other woman." The girl's opening line was terrifyingly earnest. She bit her lip. "I know you guys are getting married soon, but—" "Caleb doesn't love you anymore." "I've been with him for a year. We've slept together seventy-eight times. Fifty-three times in hotels, twenty-one times at my place." "And four times at your house, in your bed." 她 looked at me bluntly. "If Caleb still loved you, I wouldn't even exist." I found it almost funny. I lit a cigarette, looking at her through the haze of smoke. "What else? Keep going." So she pulled out her phone and played a video for me. The angle was hidden, like it was secretly recorded. The girl was curled up in Caleb's arms, crying. "Even if you have to marry her out of responsibility, can you please not abandon me?" Caleb pushed her away gently and tossed a bank card onto the table. "Find a stable guy. Being with me is no good for you. It's too dangerous." "No!" She wrapped her arms around his waist, pouting. "I'm not afraid of danger." "Can you please not throw me away?" "Caleb, I won't be a burden to you. I swear." Caleb froze for a second. His gaze swept across her face, and for a brief moment, he looked completely lost. Then, he leaned in and kissed her. 02 I stubbed out my cigarette. The girl was exactly eighteen. Her face was full of youthful collagen; she was genuinely pure and innocent. And, the very first time I saw her, I knew. She looked like me. She looked exactly like the eighteen-year-old Tara. "You're right about one thing. If Caleb still loved me, you wouldn't exist." I stood up. My stomach was actually throbbing in pain. I leaned against the table, careful not to show it. "But I advise you not to fall too deep. Caleb has never loved you, nor does he love me." "He only loves the Tara from his memories." The pure, beautiful Tara who died years ago on the bloody path helping him rise to the top. "In a few years, he'll find a new replacement, and you'll end up even more miserable than me." I was actually lying to her. I was about to die. How could she possibly end up more miserable than me? At worst, she’d just get dumped when Caleb got bored of her. 03 I gave myself to Caleb when I was eighteen. I grew up without parents. The grandmother who raised me passed away when I was fifteen. Caleb appeared right around then. He pursued me fiercely. He threw money around recklessly, wanting to lay the best of everything in the world at my feet. He was handsome, and he gave me a profound sense of security. I fell for him fast. On my nineteenth birthday, he coaxed me into tasting the forbidden fruit. That night. From pain to complete surrender. I became entirely his. The next day, Caleb took me to meet his crew. I had never been exposed to a scene like that. I timidly held onto his jacket, quietly greeting everyone as he introduced me. The way they looked at me was full of mockery. "Caleb, why'd you get yourself such a little girl?" "She's too sweet. She's gonna be a liability." Back then, I didn't know what "liability" meant to them. I couldn't help but defend myself quietly, "I won't be." "I won't be a burden to Caleb." I swore it. But later, as I slowly integrated into his world, I realized exactly what kind of life he led. It was a life lived on the edge of a knife. To avoid being a burden, to be able to stand by his side, I forced myself to adapt to that brutal environment. Ten years. I cut my hair short. I dyed it. I started smoking. I got tattoos. I even collected countless scars across my body. Because I was ruthless enough, I helped Caleb climb to become the second-in-command of the Chicago underworld. But Caleb didn't seem happy. Countless nights. He would hold me in his arms, his fingers tracing the scars on my body, leaning down to kiss them. "Tara." He would bury his face in my chest and sigh. "I still prefer the way you used to be." And after a moment of stunned silence, I would always push him away, light a cigarette, and laugh. "Caleb, saying that is a real dick move." 04 It was past midnight when Caleb came home. I was lying in bed. I wasn't asleep. I was just staring into the darkness. Until Caleb pulled me into his arms. "Not asleep yet?" He leaned down to kiss me, but I dodged. He froze for a second, then suppressed his temper and hugged me. "Who pissed you off? I'll go chop them up right now, okay?" "Caleb." "Yeah." The room was so dark I couldn't see his face. But I could smell the gardenia perfume lingering on his clothes. "Let's break up." Caleb stiffened. Then he let go, rolling over to lie on his back next to me. "What is it now?" He pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "You're not a little girl anymore. Why are you acting so dramatic?" "Break up?" He chuckled. "Tara, you're not young anymore. Who else is going to marry a woman who smokes, drinks, has tattoos, and handles business more ruthlessly than most men?" My chest seized. I pressed my hand hard against my heart, but I couldn't suppress the dense, agonizing pain. Last year, when my arm got sliced open, I was allergic to the local anesthesia. Twelve stitches, completely raw, and I gritted my teeth without making a single sound. But Caleb's drunken truths made my eyes burn with tears. "Caleb," I couldn't help but ask, "if I got a terminal illness, would you..." "Tara." He cut me off, irritation clear in his voice. "Stop asking stupid questions." "If you get a terminal illness, I'll commit suicide with you. Happy?" He rubbed his temples. "I'm busy with the wedding and business lately. I don't have the energy to coax you. Stop throwing tantrums." Just then, his phone rang. Caleb rejected the call in frustration. But the person called back again. After a few rounds of this, Caleb got out of bed with his phone. "Speak." A girl's crying voice filtered through the receiver, muffled but audible. Caleb cursed under his breath. "So fucking annoying." Despite saying that, he quickly grabbed his coat and headed for the door. "There's a problem with the business. I have to go handle it." "Go to sleep. Don't wait up for me." 05 Caleb and I set our wedding date for the third of next month. A simple ceremony. I never told Caleb about my illness. Late-stage. Basically incurable. I also never told him that I had zero intention of marrying him. I could accept everything about Caleb. Everything except betrayal. Just thinking about him holding another woman, kissing her face, searching for the shadow of my youth in her... it made my stomach churn. It made me sick. I gave myself to him at eighteen. It had been exactly ten years. Now, the doctors said I had about six months left to live. Looking back, I wasted the best years of my life on him. For the little time I had left, I just wanted to be Tara. I booked a flight out of the country. I wanted to use whatever strength I had left to see the world I loved but had never actually explored. And I booked that flight for the third of next month. 06 Early in the morning, I crossed out another day on the calendar. Ten days left until my flight. The sound of the front door opening came from behind me. Caleb walked in, bringing the winter chill with him. He took off his coat and walked over to hug me. He still didn't like my short hair. His eyes followed mine to the calendar. Seeing the date heavily circled on the third, he chuckled and gently pinched my cheek. "Can't wait to marry me?" He counted. "Ten days left." He buried his face in my neck. "I'll make time in the next couple of days to go with you to dye your hair black again, maybe get extensions?" "You'll look beautiful at the wedding." "No need." I looked at the calendar blankly. "There's not much time left." "Short hair is fine." Caleb stayed silent for a long moment. "Alright." He let go, picking up the coat he had draped over the chair. "There's a lot to do for the wedding. Mack's turf got smashed up yesterday. I'm busy, so I won't be coming home for a while." Caleb stared at me as he spoke. Like he was waiting for me to yield. Waiting for me to say, Okay, come with me to dye my hair. Let's get extensions. But I just stared back at him indifferently. "Go." "Anyway, it's only ten days." Caleb didn't say another word. He turned and walked back out into the dark. He never looked back. 07 With seven days left until the wedding, I went to a tattoo parlor on the outskirts of the city. The owner was a woman in her thirties, well-maintained but with eyes full of deep weariness. She glanced at me. "What are we doing?" I rolled up my sleeve, pointing to the "CS" on my wrist, and then exposed the gardenia below my collarbone. "Remove both of them." She took a look. "Laser removal hurts. And it'll scar." I smiled. "I'm not afraid." Pain was the last thing I was afraid of right now. As for scarring— I had so many scars all over my body, two more wouldn't make a difference. Besides, in six months, this body would probably just be a pile of ash anyway. The owner chatted with me as she prepped. "Breakup?" I smiled. "Yeah. Soon." "Seven days left." She clicked her tongue. "So ceremonial. A breakup with a countdown?" Maybe the shop was just quiet, or maybe we just clicked, but the moment I saw her, I felt like we were the same kind of people. We talked about the past. When Caleb first pursued me, I gave him a deadline. Three hundred days. If he could stick it out, I'd be his. So, every single morning, Caleb would show up in front of me and count the days. "One hundred and seventy-nine days left." "Tara, ninety-six days until you're my girlfriend." "One day left, future girlfriend." ... The boy who relentlessly pursued me for three hundred days through rain and shine... Had slowly grown tired of me over the next ten years. I hit it off with the owner. As she lasered off the ink, I told her the meaning behind the two tattoos. The "CS" on my wrist was done on our one-year anniversary. I had been kidnapped by a rival gang to threaten him. Caleb went to the drop alone to save me. He knew it was a suicide mission, but he went without hesitation. He was almost hacked to death that day. When he was discharged from the hospital, I went to a parlor and got his initials on my wrist. Back then, I naively thought I was locked in with Caleb for life. But that night, when I proudly showed Caleb my still-red, swollen wrist, he just froze. He didn't give me the touched reaction I expected. He frowned, asked me why I did it, and asked if it hurt. Finally, he pulled me into his arms. "Don't do this again. I don't like it." "I don't like it when you hurt yourself." "You're perfect just the way you are. You don't need to change. I love a clean, flawless Tara." I was young then, and I just thought he was worried about me. I didn't realize Caleb had actually spoken his true feelings. And the gardenia on my chest was tattooed the day Caleb swore he would marry me by the time I was twenty-eight. Caleb loved gardenias. He loved their pure, flawless white. So I tattooed one on my chest. Waiting for Caleb to marry me. Now, Caleb had finally set the wedding date for my twenty-eighth year. He was busy planning the wedding seven days away. While I was planning how to leave him. Even though my body was ruined, I still didn't want to leave this world bearing any mark of him. I pointed to the other side of my collarbone and told the owner. "Tattoo a trumpet vine right here." Caleb loved gardenias. But I preferred the trumpet vine. He wanted me pure and flawless. But in my final days, I insisted on being the wild, untamed vine climbing over the high walls.

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