"Mom, you should really marry someone else. I want the Oscar winner to be my new dad!" The entire internet agreed. The Oscar winner agreed. But her biological father definitely did not. He stormed onto the set of the reality show in a blind rage. My daughter, stubborn as a mule, pointed right at the movie star and told her dad: "Let me introduce you. This is Mom's new husband, and my new dad!" 1 I am Hollywood’s most hated starlet—a true "love-to-hate" celebrity. My claim to fame? I only play the "Mean Girl" or the "Vengeful Other Woman." Every villainous role I take is so convincing that people follow me on social media just to curse me out. My reputation is a permanent shade of "infamous." People even say I’m not acting; they say I’m just being myself. Lately, there haven't been any good villain scripts, so I decided to join a high-profile parenting reality show with my daughter. 2 When the camera crew arrived at our house to pick us up, my daughter was standing by the bed, shaking me awake: "Miss Sleeping Beauty, the crew is here. Please tell the bed to let go of your highness!" I didn’t even open my eyes. I just mumbled: "I can't. Mom is too elite. I need five more minutes. Go pack the bags." "What kind of person makes their kid pack for them? Which one of us is the parent here?" She sighed heavily but started tossing things into the suitcase anyway. "What are we bringing? Cleanser? Makeup? Clothes?" "Whatever you pick... I’ll wear," I groaned into the pillow. 3 Half an hour later, I finally crawled out of bed. I opened my eyes only to see the production crew standing right there in my bedroom. The livestream was already rolling. [Hahaha, Serena’s bedhead is too real. She looks exactly like me on a Monday morning!] [Serena’s daughter is so cute, I’m dying...] [How can Serena be a mom? She’s making her kid do all the work. Unfit!] [Oh my god, the daughter is so pretty and sweet, I almost forgot I came here to hate-watch Serena.] I blinked stupidly. "Why didn't anyone tell me we were live?" My daughter puffed out her cheeks and shot me a look: "I told you! But you were having a love affair with your mattress and wouldn't even lift an eyelid. Who’s to blame?" Me: "..." This kid... she’s a total savage. 4 After washing up and loading the luggage, I followed my daughter into the production van. We headed to the first filming location. During the drive, the producer interviewed us: "Serena, what’s your daughter’s name?" "Just call her Tiga." The producer paused. "Tiga? Like... the superhero?" My daughter rolled her eyes and said, "She thinks all boys love superheroes, so she named me Tiga so I’d be popular." I rubbed her fuzzy hair and said with a straight face, "Trust me, honey. No man worth his salt doesn't love a hero." My daughter: "I’m literally done." The live chat erupted. [Tiga! Hahahaha, I’m wheezing!] [Serena: I just want the boys to like my daughter, what’s wrong with that? Hahaha!] [What kind of girl is named Tiga? Look at her face, it’s just pure 'done'!] [Serena is definitely a few sandwiches short of a picnic.] The producer cleared his throat and asked, "And Tiga, where is your father?" My daughter’s face went cold. "Don't mention him. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil!" 5 I announced I was married the moment I entered the industry, but I never revealed who my husband was. Over the years, everyone has been dying to know his identity. Fans, haters, even my colleagues. They were all curious how I got such top-tier roles despite being a "villainess." My shows were always massive hits. No exceptions. They’d gossiped for years, but no one knew the truth. They didn't know I was basically in a "ghost marriage." I got pregnant after a drunken night with him right after we wed. He’d never helped with the kid. He’d drop by once in a while to see her, but mostly, it was just me and Tiga in our own world. No wonder she reacted like that. The crew was hoping for a scoop, but they weren't going to get it from a four-year-old. 6 Star Babies was a new kind of show. Unlike standard family shows, it featured celebrities paired with kids. The director was creative. Aside from me and Tiga, who were actually related, the other groups were famous child stars paired with unmarried celebrities. And the biggest catch? They had signed the reigning Oscar winner, Elias Thorne. Who wouldn't want to see a man like that playing "Daddy"? The hype was astronomical. When we arrived at the luxury villa for the shoot, one group was already there. Elias Thorne. And his partner, a five-year-old child star named Toby. The second Tiga saw Elias, she dropped her backpack and sprinted toward him. She leaned against the sofa next to him, cupping her face in her hands, her eyes sparkling. "I know you. You're the movie star." Elias looked at me, then back at Tiga, and smiled. "And how do you know me, little one?" "Ti—" I tried to stop her, but it was too late. "Because I want you to be my new dad!" Kill me now. I was one step too slow. This kid had been talking about "trading in" her dad for months. She’d decided Elias was the perfect candidate for a dad—and a husband for me. What I hadn't told her was that Elias Thorne was my ex-boyfriend from college! The livestream went nuclear. [Did I hear that right? Tiga wants the Oscar winner to be her dad?] [Hahaha, this kid is a comedy goldmine!] [Tiga, honey, does your mom have a say in this?] 7 Elias was visibly stunned. Before he could respond, Tiga reached out and poked his arm. She turned to me: "Mom, he’s ripped." My face turned a deep shade of scarlet. Then she touched his stomach and looked at me again: "Mom, he has a six-pack. He’s actually a catch. Can you please consider making him my dad?" "Tiga! Get your hands off the movie star!" I hissed. Elias looked like he hadn't expected to be felt up by his ex's daughter. Then, he spoke: "I can only be your dad if your mom agrees to marry me." Me: "?" What the hell was Elias playing at? Before I could process it, Tiga screamed: "Mom! Let's get remarried! I want Elias to be my new dad!" Honey, did you ask your actual father? She was literally trying to give her dad a "green hat" on national television. Are we going to survive the night? Technically, I wasn't even divorced yet. 8 Tiga marched over to me on her little legs, looking incredibly serious. "Mom, I’m not kidding. Remarry him. "Look, he’s handsome, he’s talented. Sure, my 'scumbag dad' might be slightly better looking, but you’ve been looking at that face for years. You’re bored of it. "Just get a new husband and give me a new dad. It’s a win-win, right?" Danger! Danger! My sweet daughter... it’s one thing to call him "Scumbag Dad" at home, but on a livestream?! Do you want to get us canceled or just murdered? The chat was having a field day. [She really wants that upgrade! Hahaha!] [Honestly, Elias saying 'I can only be your dad if your mom marries me' is a wild thing to say. He’s into it!] [Tiga (Upgrade Edition): Mom, let's go. We’re getting a new dad.] [Wait, did she call her dad a 'scumbag'? Maybe he treats them badly.] [Who the hell did Serena marry?! Does anyone actually know?] I looked at Tiga, trying to be a parent: "Don't call him that. He's your father." Tiga puffed out her chest. "Hmph. He's a part-time dad. He's fired." 9 Ten minutes later, the third group arrived. Brianna Vance, a B-list actress known for having "connections." And her partner, a four-year-old named Lily. Now that everyone was here, the director started the first segment. "You have to handle your own meals during the shoot. You’ll play a trivia game to win ingredients. First place gets 20 items, full spices, and snacks. Second gets 15 items and some spices. Third gets 10 items and almost no spices." Each group was given a buzzer. The questions began. "In the cartoon Boonie Bears, what are the two monkeys named?" Buzz! "Bram and Briar!" "In Cocomelon, what is the baby's name?" Buzz! "JJ!" It was a battlefield of cartoons. The kids were intense. "Final question: In the show Super Pig, what is the name of the pink princess pig?" Tiga’s eyes lit up. She went for the buzzer, but Toby was faster. Toby froze. He couldn't remember. He scratched his head. "I think... Pinky?" Next second, Tiga screamed at the top of her lungs: "It’s Princess Penny, you amateur! "She’s the most beautiful pig in the world and the love of my hero's life!" 10 She stood up, looking tiny but fierce, defending the honor of her "hero." The room went dead silent. I was trying so hard not to laugh. Everyone was. Could we laugh? Was it rude? But she called a pig... a love of her life's... "Hahahaha!" I was the first to break. Then the whole room exploded. The livestream was a wall of "LMAO." [Hahaha, I’m sorry, I shouldn't laugh at a kid, but she’s so serious about the pig!] [Tiga: My hero loves that pig, respect her!] [I can't breathe! 'Princess Penny is the love of his life'—Tiga is an icon.] Tiga looked around, confused. "Why are you laughing?" The director wiped his eyes. "We're... we're just impressed by your knowledge, Tiga. You won! Pfft..." The scores were tallied. Tiga got 8 right. Toby and Lily both got 6. The ranking: Tiga first, Toby second, Lily third. The rooms were assigned by rank. We got the penthouse on the fourth floor. Elias was on the third. Brianna was on the second. We went to unpack before lunch. 11 I didn't need Tiga to help unpack, so she took her snacks and went to share them with the other kids. I was busy looking at a cookbook called 100 Easy Meals for Dummies when Tiga came back. "Mom, put the book down. We’re going." She dragged me to the third floor. She knew I couldn't cook, so she’d convinced Elias to cook for us too. I have to admit, the man could cook. Everything smelled amazing. BUT! "Tiga, stop calling him 'New Dad'." Tiga blinked her big eyes. "But Mom, he said yes. He’s my New Dad now. "I found you a husband who acts and cooks. You should be thanking me!" I choked on my water. Is this real life? A daughter replacing her father with her mother’s ex-boyfriend? This is a structural collapse of the mother-daughter dynamic. Then, I heard a low, melodic chuckle. I looked at Elias. "You agreed to this?" Elias: "To being her dad? It seems I have." Me: "?" Is everyone insane? I blurted out: "Elias, did you forget you're my ex?" "I didn't forget. That’s why being her dad is so interesting."
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