1 I was the specific arrangement the Scanlon family made for Julian Scanlon. From a childhood companion for studies, to a playmate in our teens, to an intimate relationship in adulthood, my role kept shifting. When Julian announced he was getting married, everyone around us fell silent. Yet, someone still couldn't help but ask about my future. “What about Audrey?” He merely offered a faint smile, his tone casual as he replied, “Audrey? We’ve always been this way. She’ll continue to be with me.” In his eyes, I was probably just a mistress on standby, an awkward fixture. But what he didn't know was that his mother and I had a long-standing agreement. As soon as he solidly walked down the aisle, I would receive a fifty-million-dollar compensation, and from then on, I would disappear from his world. By then, with mountains and oceans between us, Julian and I would never cross paths again. … Marriage was a hassle. Choosing diamond rings, trying on wedding gowns, picking bouquets. Julian insisted I come along. His fiancée, Karin Miller, was trying on rings, and he pointed to a particular design through the glass. “Audrey, you try this one. If it fits, I’ll buy it for you.” Everyone’s eyes landed on me, filled with blatant scorn and mockery. Karin’s friend casually spoke up beside her, her voice neither too loud nor too soft, “In old times, she’d just be a lady’s maid warming the bed.” Julian merely smiled as if he’d heard a joke, offering no defense. After the rings were chosen, out of respect, he still had to accompany his fiancée to dinner. Karin gave me a dirty look, half-covering her mouth. “Disgusting.” Julian, ever so nonchalant, said, “Karin, if I’m not mistaken, ours is a loveless business arrangement, isn’t it?” Karin crumpled the napkin in her hand. “Julian Scanlon, even if it’s a business arrangement, it’s still a legal marriage, right? You parade your mistress around every day, and even when we’re picking out wedding rings, you bring her along and want to buy her a ring! You’ve embarrassed me enough. What’s wrong with me saying a few words?” Karin’s voice wasn’t quiet, and others in the restaurant were already glancing our way. Since Julian had announced his marriage but refused to break up with me, I was well familiar with those stares. But each time, each and every time, my face still burned with shame. “Alright,” Julian’s expression softened. “Why such a fit?” “I’ll have Audrey apologize to you. Will that be enough?” He turned to me. “Go pour her some tea, and say you’re sorry again.” “After all, you’ll have plenty of chances to interact in the future.” My hands were clenched so tightly my knuckles turned white. Julian always treated me like his possession, uncaring of my likes or dislikes, uncaring of my dignity. Seeing me motionless, Julian softened his tone. “Audrey, be a good girl.” I looked at him. “I can do as you say, but when you get back, you have to return my documents.” “I am not your prisoner.” Julian nodded dismissively, as if I were a pet throwing a tantrum. Hot tea slowly poured into the cup. Just as it was about to overflow, Karin picked it up, then, with a flick of her wrist, spilled the tea onto my arm. The tea was scalding. My skin quickly turned bright red, the pain making my hand tremble uncontrollably. Karin’s eyes were devoid of emotion. She reached out, her sharp nails digging into my burn. “Miss Scanlon, you haven’t apologized yet.” The people beside her also started pushing me. “You’re fine being his mistress, but too proud to apologize?” I lowered my eyes, my tongue tasting bitter. “I’m sorry, Miss Miller.” “Louder. I can’t hear you.” My stomach felt twisted into a knot. “I’m sorry, Miss Miller, I apologize to you.” Julian didn’t even lift an eyelid. “Feeling better?” “Karin, when we marry, you will be my only wife.” “Audrey’s presence won’t affect our relationship at all. Why get angry over her? She’s not worth it.” “Worst case, I’ll just make sure she doesn’t get in your way as much.” I stood to the side, my hand still trembling involuntarily. 2 Julian went back on his word again. I held out my hand. “My passport, my ID. Give them back.” He stared at me for a moment, then suddenly chuckled, burying his face in the crook of my neck, the vibration of his chest resonating against me. “Audrey, why are you still so naive?” “When did I ever say I’d give them back? If I give them back, what if you run off again?” He hugged me. “You’re mine.” All I felt was a sudden rush of hot and cold, something threatening to burst from my body, making me hate him so much my pores felt like they were bleeding. I learned about Julian’s engagement from the news. I suggested we break up. Julian stroked my head. “When did I say I was breaking up with you?” I stood barefoot on the floor, momentarily blank. “What do you mean? You want me to be your mistress?” “What’s the big deal? Once Karin gets pregnant and has the baby, we’ll be just like before.” He spoke as if it were common sense, but I couldn’t accept it. I secretly took my documents and left, but I was barely halfway there when Julian caught me and dragged me back. The day I was brought back to the Scanlon estate, Julian’s mother slapped me. “I told you to watch over Julian, not to make him go crazy over you!” “Do you have any idea he skipped his own engagement party to look for you?” “I’m warning you, his marriage is very important. Don’t cause any more trouble. Let Julian finish his wedding properly.” Perhaps seeing that I truly had no designs on the title of Mrs. Scanlon, she calmed her emotions. “Once he’s married, you’ll be free.” Freedom. That’s why I first became Julian’s playmate. The Scanlon heir was born with a silver spoon, but his temper was unpredictable. Other families would always bring their children over to introduce them, but Julian showed no interest until he saw me, just after I’d been bullied, at the Hayes estate. I sat in the garden mud, my dress dirty, my pigtails pulled loose, constantly wiping away tears. Julian watched me for a long time, until his family found him. He pointed at me. “I want to play with her.” When I was little, I used to think Julian was a prince from a fairy tale. Because of a single word from him, the Hayes family packed me up and sent me to the Scanlons. I finally had my own room. My older siblings no longer rode on my back, demanding I bark like a dog. When I returned to the Hayes estate, they no longer called me a bastard or a wild child. I had loved Julian. Everyone said I was Julian’s servant, that the Hayes family sold their daughter for profit. He would gently hug me. “Audrey is my treasure.” When our first love blossomed, he leaned down and kissed my cheek. “Audrey, I love you more than anyone in the world.” Until I saw Julian holding someone else in his arms, the lingering scent of intimacy still in the room. He said, “Audrey, she’s very pretty, and she has a great body. I quite like her.” “But I still like you best, Audrey.” I looked at the scratch marks on Julian’s neck, barely able to breathe, only able to continuously back away. “Don’t touch me, don’t touch me.” “Julian Scanlon, I’m breaking up with you.” Seeing me huddled up, Julian seemed helpless. “Alright, whatever you say, we’ll break up.” “Once I’m tired of playing with her, we’ll get back together.” I kept insisting on leaving. Julian’s mother found me. She brought her ceramic cup to her lips, taking a sip. “Julian is very fond of you. If you leave, he’ll be infatuated with you forever? I won’t let that happen.” “You, on the other hand, just stay by his side. I’ll pay you monthly. Consider it your compensation for your efforts.” “You’re a smart girl. You know there’s no benefit in going against us.” “It’s a very good deal.” The cup clinked against the saucer, a crisp sound, like something shattering inside me. A deal. I laughed through my tears. This was the true nature of my relationship with Julian. Everyone around me kept reminding me to obey him, to stay with him. It was because I was just a toy Julian and his family had found for him. And I, once so naive, had believed it was love. 3 I understood my place. Women came and went in Julian’s life. Just as he said, when he was with someone else, we’d break up. When he broke up with them, we’d get back together. He even leaned on my shoulder once and asked, “Audrey, your colleague is quite pretty. Can you give me her contact info?” At first, it was hard to get used to. My heart still ached. But slowly, it got better. So much better that I no longer had nightmares. I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then a colleague jokingly asked me, “Audrey Hayes, your rich boyfriend is getting married, right?” My mind went blank for a second. I chose to run away. When Julian first dragged me back, I refused to eat or drink. The most I said to him was, "Let me go." He acted like he didn't hear me, continuing to talk to himself. "Audrey, how about you be my bridesmaid at the wedding? It'll be like we're getting married too." I stared at him in disbelief. "Julian Scanlon, I'm not that low. I'm not going to be a mistress during a marriage!" "It's just a marriage. For people like us, marriage is just a means to an end." My emotions were running so high that I didn’t even notice blood trickling down my leg. I was pregnant. Julian took my hand, kissed it, his expression tender and loving, but his words were cruel. "Audrey, abort the baby." "Both families have agreed; the child can only be mine and Karin's." "If you have him, he'll just be illegitimate." "Audrey. You're also illegitimate. You should know that an illegitimate child won't be acknowledged. Both families won't make life easy for the child." I gently curved my eyes. “Julian Scanlon, just an hour or two ago, you were telling me it’s just a marriage, that it wouldn’t affect anything.” “Now, while the child is still in my belly, he’s already being called illegitimate. Is this what you meant by ‘no impact’?” Julian’s eyes lost their warmth. “Audrey, be a good girl.” “If you like children, once Karin’s and my child is born, I can send him to you to raise.” “He’d be my child too; it’s all the same.” A wave of nausea churned in my stomach. I turned my head away, no longer looking at him. The moment the cold instrument entered my body, tears still silently streamed from the corners of my eyes, soaking into my hair. I just suddenly remembered. From the moment Julian brought me back to the Scanlon estate, my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood were almost exclusively intertwined with Julian. When someone called me a motherless child, only allowed to stay with the Scanlons, Julian would warn them one by one. He would crouch in front of me. “Audrey, wherever I am, that’s your home.” When Julian wasn’t yet so callous, he would lie in my arms, pressing his ear to my belly. “Audrey, in a few years, we’ll get married.” “I hope our child is a girl who looks like you. Then, we’ll be a happy family of three.” It felt like a dream. These memories flashed through my mind like a slideshow. I pushed away Julian, who was still buried against me, laughing. Meeting my eyes, as still and silent as dead water, the playful ease drained from Julian’s face. He looked helpless. “Alright, here.” “But Audrey, don’t run off again.” His voice was low, like a lover’s whisper. “You know, wherever you go, I can bring you home.” Julian’s phone vibrated. Karin’s voice came through. “Julian, my mom says she wants you to move in soon. She says we need to cultivate our relationship.” I walked around him, not pausing for a second. 4 Two months before the wedding, I saw their wedding attire. My gaze fell on the wedding dress, pearls embroidered all over the skirt, and embroidery on the cinched sheer fabric. It was a design I had originally sketched for Julian and me. Later, Karin saw the sketch at Julian’s place. “I didn’t realize you had a shred of decency left.” “It’s quite beautiful. I’ll find someone to custom make it.” Julian didn’t explain anything. He just smiled. “As long as you like it.” “What are you doing?” I snapped back to reality. Perhaps thinking I was up to no good, Karin’s friend grabbed my wrist fiercely. In the struggle, her ring caught on a piece of fabric. Thud. Rip— As she and I fell to the ground, a section of the dress was torn. Hearing the commotion, people gathered around. Karin’s friend, feeling guilty, pointed at me and yelled at Karin. “Karin, I saw her here alone, and I just knew she was up to no good.” Karin raised her hand to slap me. I blocked her arm, pushing her back a step. “Julian Scanlon!” Karin’s eyes were red with fury. Julian caught Karin from behind, steadying her. He let out a tsk, then pried my fingers open, one by one. This allowed Karin’s slap to land squarely on my face, hitting me so hard my vision blurred and my ears rang. I turned my head away from the blow. He looked at my swollen cheek. “Audrey, I know you’re not happy about my marriage, but there’s no need to resort to these dirty tricks.” “What good does this little scene do anyway?” “The bride won’t be changed to you.” He sighed, a hint of disappointment in his voice. “You just stay home for a while. When you learn to be more sensible, I’ll take you out again.” Karin seemed satisfied with this outcome. She leaned into Julian’s arms. “Julian Scanlon, my foot hurts. Can you take me to get it checked?” He carried Karin out, and I was finally able to move under the bodyguards’ watchful eyes. Before leaving, a sales assistant quietly asked me, “Ma’am, why didn’t you explain?” “I saw it; it was the other lady who…” I smiled, shaking my head at her. What was there to explain? I didn't care about Julian's opinion. If he could let me go sooner, that would be even better. Between waking and sleeping, I felt someone applying ointment to my injury. As if sensing my struggle, he leaned down and blew gently. “Audrey, it doesn’t hurt.” I woke up. Julian was on the phone, his back to me. His voice was casual. “Karin, enough already.” “That little act your friend pulled today, do you think no one saw through it? I even wondered why you suddenly changed your tune, insisting I bring Audrey along.” “I played along. You got your physical strike, and I made my stance clear in front of all those people.” “You said I wasn’t giving you respect; I did. I let you vent, made you happy.” “I also promised you wouldn’t see her before the wedding. All the grand display you wanted, I gave you. Aren’t people outside saying you’re an expert at managing your husband now?” “You will be my only wife. I can satisfy any reasonable request you have, so just take it easy, alright?” Under the covers, my nails dug deep into my flesh, turning my palms white. 5 I was confined to the house. But my phone constantly received anonymous photos. Julian had been quite busy lately, preparing for the wedding, going on dates with Karin. When I saw the latest photos, the cold casing of my phone pressed against my palm, chilling me to the core. It was a photo of Julian and Karin kissing at the scenic overlook on the hill behind the Scanlon family villa. It was a place Julian had built when I was twelve. Back then, I was still insecure, preferring to be alone or hide where no one could find me. Until one time, I fell asleep while hiding. It was Julian’s voice, calling my name as he frantically searched the hill, that woke me up. When Julian found me, he was still a child himself, but he draped his jacket over me. He didn’t scold me, only gently tidied my sleep-mussed hair. “Audrey, if you like it here, I’ll fix it up.” And so, he had someone fix the overlook. From then on, through changing seasons, I spent a lot of time there. Julian, with my permission, would sometimes come with me, sitting quietly. He said, “Audrey, when we’re old and gray, we’ll still sit here together.” The scenery remained, but the person beside him had changed. The night before Julian’s wedding, he came back to see me. “Audrey, after the wedding, I’ll live with Karin for a while. Once things are settled, I’ll come back to be with you.” When he mentioned Karin, his gaze, once indifferent, had softened. I wasn’t surprised; Karin was inherently his type. I nodded indifferently. He smiled faintly, praising me for being understanding. The wedding was grand. Julian’s mother’s car was parked nearby. Through the car window, I watched them exchange rings, say their vows, and kiss under a shower of petals. It was exactly like the wedding I had imagined when I first fell in love. Karin held Julian’s arm, and many people gathered around, cheering and shouting. Julian’s mother also smiled with relief. She turned to me. “I was worried before the wedding that if you left, Julian would throw a tantrum and refuse to marry.” “Now it seems he really likes Karin.” “If Julian tries to find you again, we’ll stop him.” “Besides, Karin is pregnant. He should know better now.” “The money, the plane ticket, your things are all here.” “You can go.” I remained silent, taking one last look at this city. The sky was clear and bright, a truly beautiful day. I didn’t look back, closing my eyes. In my heart, I said goodbye to Julian.
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