I’ve read countless stories about cheating husbands eventually crawling back, begging for forgiveness. I never thought I’d end up starring in one. Except, my story didn't have the part where he begs. Just the part where everything burns. Because I actually died. I became a ghost, watching the man who betrayed me. Seven days after I passed, it was like a delayed reaction finally crushed him. Inside the house I could never go back to, he howled and wept, utterly broken. You ask me how that felt? I just stood there, blankly, savoring every inch of agony on his face. I listened intently to his desperate desolation over my departure. Beneath the grim satisfaction and the heartbreak, a massive wave of schadenfreude surged within me. Joyful, ecstatic vindication. It was a sharp, liberating thrill. I covered my mouth to stifled a laugh. 1 After dying, I became entirely certain that Julian had never truly loved me. When the police called him to identify my body at the morgue, he actually thought I was pulling a sick prank with my friends. He thought it was my desperate way of forcing him to talk. Because just minutes before, our final conversation had ended in disaster. I had screamed, I had raged, I had begged on my knees, and I had used the foulest language I knew to curse him. By the end, we were both drained. With bloodshot eyes, I sat on the balcony railing, my legs dangling over the edge. "Are you really going through with this divorce?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. He looked at me calmly. The first time I used suicide to threaten him, he had panicked. Now, his face held nothing but exhaustion. "Are you done with the drama?" he asked. I said quietly, "If you walk out that door today, I’m jumping." He gave me one long, deep look, turned, and walked away. The front door slammed with a deafening thud, shaking the apartment. Then, I heard the chime of the elevator. I had staged many suicides. The first time was three months after he initially asked for a divorce. It was our third wedding anniversary, which also happened to be his mistress's birthday. He wouldn't answer my calls. Finally, I sent him a photo of an empty bottle of sleeping pills and turned off my phone. He rushed back, looking frantic and disheveled. When he pushed the door open, I was sitting at the dining table in the dark. A lavish feast was laid out, a huge bouquet of roses between two flickering candles. I smiled at him across the table. "Happy anniversary, Julian." He was livid. He screamed that I was insane. He grabbed my arm, dragged me into the bathroom, and pinned me down, brutally ramming a toothbrush down my throat to make me purge. I huddled over the sink, retching, while he kept cursing at me. "Where are the pills? How many did you take?" I was a mess, but I started laughing. My voice was raw and raspy. "I lied," I told him, looking up through my hair. "I didn't take anything." I grabbed his sleeve, gripping it tightly. "Happy anniversary. I bought you a gift. Don't you want to see what it is?" He looked down at me, his expression unreadable. Finally, looking utterly depleted, he pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't love you anymore, Sarah. Can't we just let each other go?" Why should it be that easy? We met in college. Fell in love. A seven-year romantic marathon, followed by three years of marriage. All my youth, all my love, was invested in this man. Now he tells me to "let go"? Over my dead body. I was going to waste his life. I wanted that woman on the outside to remain a mistress, illegitimate and shameful, for the rest of her life. So I looked at him tenderly and said the cruelest thing I could think of. "Let you go? In your dreams." He stared at me, unblinking. After that night, I could never track him down again. 2 Calls and texts went unanswered, lost in a sea of silence. I talked to his subordinates, but they were a brick wall, smooth and impenetrable. I even went to his office. The receptionist looked at me with an awkward, sympathetic expression, blocking my path. "Mr. Hayes isn't in," she said. I really wanted to force my way in. But I didn't want to make a scene. I had some dignity left. So, I forced a smile, pretending to be unbothered. "When he gets back, just let him know I stopped by." She relaxed visibly, looking relieved, though she couldn't hide the pity in her eyes. "Of course, Mrs. Hayes. Will do." I pretended not to see his silhouette behind the glass wall of his corner office. That night, I went home and drank a bottle of bourbon. I sipped it slowly, sitting on the balcony, watching the sunset bleed orange across the skyline. My mind drifted back to college. We were lab partners junior year. My grades were good, but I was failing statistics. Our advisor suggested he tutor me. I don't remember much about junior year, except for that humid summer. The slow whir of the ceiling fans in the library. The smelling of old books. And Julian’s fingers, constantly spinning a black pen. I remember late-night study sessions, him leaning in slightly, his warm breath fanning my cheek. His hand, with its defined knuckles, pressed down on the textbook. His voice was low, creating a tender illusion. "Which problem are you stuck on now?" It was an innocent, naive fluttering of the heart, drowned out by months of studying for exams. Actually, Julian and I started dating senior year. Getting into the same law school gave us a sense of camaraderie. He took care of me. During orientation week, I joined the Student Bar Association. The chair of the social committee was always being inappropriate with me, touching me, getting in my space. One night, after a bar crawl, I wanted to go back to my dorm. He insisted on walking me. In a dark alleyway off campus, he suddenly pinned me against a brick wall, pinning my shoulders with his hands. He was slurring, rambling about how I had to be his girlfriend, trying to force a kiss on me. I panicked, screaming for help. The next second, he was ripped off me. Julian was there, swinging his gym bag. He beat the guy up badly. He didn't seem to care if he killed him. Every punch was vicious. I tried to pull him off, screaming his name, but it was useless. Finally, standing behind him, frantic and not knowing what else to do, I yelled, "Julian, stop! I'm going to cry!" His eyes were red, but he stopped. He turned to look at me, his handsome face tense with lingering rage. The moment he saw me, his expression softened instantly. "Don't cry," he cooed. He stood up, walked over, and clumsily used the jacket from his bag to wipe the tears from my face. He took a deep breath, trying to steady his emotions. He looked at me, looking a little frustrated with himself. "I'm sorry. I just... I've had a crush on you for so long, and I never dared to touch you. Now this total asshole tries to force himself on you... Did I scare you? I'm sorry." He looked down at me, his gaze earnest, his expression tender. "I didn't want to scare you. I wanted to wait until the time was right. Sarah, I like you. Do you like me?" The memories were so vivid, like they happened yesterday. The young man who had nervously asked me that question had turned into a stranger. Now, he only said things like: "Are you done annoying me? Can you just not, for five minutes?" "Stop calling me." "I'm not at the office, stop looking for me." "Please, let's just end this cleanly. Let me go, okay?" Tears streamed down my face. I finished the bottle of bourbon. This was my second suicide attempt. 3 I woke up in the hospital. My best friend, Chloe, was by my bedside, watching the IV drip. When she saw me open my eyes, she burst into tears, hitting my shoulder, asking me why I did something so stupid. I had just had my stomach pumped. I was incredibly weak, and my throat was too raw to make a sound. I scanned the room. Then I turned my head, stubbornly looking at Chloe, silently asking with my eyes. Where is he? She understood. She couldn't hold it back anymore. She grabbed my hand, sobbing like a child, trying to comfort me. "Sarah, honey, can we just not force this? I called Julian. He didn't come. Don't you get it yet? Forget him. He's not worth your life..." I closed my eyes. A single tear slid down my cheek. Julian hated being threatened. Senior year of college, we had been together for three years. There was a girl who really liked him, but he always coldly rejected her. Finally, her roommate told Julian that if he didn't go see her, she was going to cut her wrists. Julian was with me at the movies. I still remember his expression when he got the call. He let out a cold laugh. "If she wants to cut her wrists, tell her to hurry up. Otherwise, if I go today, she won't do it. But tomorrow, if I don't go, she'll threaten it again. Do I look like a charity?" He was holding my ice cream cone when he said that. It was winter, but I really wanted ice cream. He was worried I’d get too cold, but he couldn't bear to say no. So he compromised: he bought it, but he insisted on holding it, only letting me have a few licks before pulling it away. It was strange. Cruelty and tenderness existed within him, side by side, without contradiction. Back then, I couldn't let it go. I dragged him to the hospital to see that girl. He stood at the door of her room, frowning, looking annoyed. "I'm going to say this one last time," he told her. "I love my girlfriend very much. Suicide threats don't work on me. You can slice yourself into stir-fry for all I care. Don't manipulate me with guilt, and don't manipulate the people around me." I was afraid my presence would upset her, so I stayed by the door. Through the window, I saw her lying in bed, tears streaming down her face as she listened to him. At the time, I was confused. Why would a woman want to die just because a man doesn't love her? I didn't understand. I always believed a woman should be an independent entity, with independent thoughts, not relying on someone else's affection to exist. Why commit suicide over a man who doesn't love you? Life is the most important thing. You should be resilient and dignified. Besides a man, you have family and friends who love you. You shouldn't toy with your life. I told myself I would never do such a thing. But you don't know how bad it hurts until the knife cuts your own skin. Many years later, that boomerang hit me. I became the woman using suicide to threaten Julian. And his attitude toward that threat hadn't changed at all in all those years. 4 Honestly, I don't know how Julian and I became what we are now. Before he confessed about the mistress, I hadn't doubted him for a single second. We had too many years of history. I trusted him completely. I never checked his phones, his social media. When he traveled for work, came home late, or had business dinners, I never questioned him. Even when he first told me he had someone else and wanted a divorce, I thought something was wrong with him. Was he sick? Terminal cancer? Was the company bankrupt? IRS trouble? Had he broken the law? I spent two months systematically ruling things out. Only then did I have to accept the truth: he was just a regular guy who cheated. A guy who simply didn't love me anymore. He just... wanted to leave me. After we initially confessed our feelings in college, he still pursued me for a long time. Even though we both knew I would say yes, when he finally formally asked me out, his voice was shaking. I rarely saw him anxious. But that young man, standing in front of me, trying so hard to be cool while asking me to be his girlfriend, his hands sweating with nerves—that Julian was the perfect image of love in my mind. When I blushed, smiled, and nodded, he lunged forward to hug me. He was so excited he was babbling. "This is great, Sarah. You have no idea how long I've waited for this day." He said it was love at first sight. He had waited three years to finally be with me. Back then, we were just broke students. He spent half his monthly allowance treating my entire dorm to dinner to celebrate. At the table, he draped his arm over the back of my chair, looking at me with total adoration, smiling non-stop. Finally, he solemnly asked my roommates to look out for me, because I was clumsy and he worried when he wasn't around. My roommates giggled and agreed, their eyes full of envy and blessings. Everyone said we were a match made in heaven. We had walked together for so long. Now he tells me he loves someone else and wants a divorce. How could I be resilient? How could I be dignified? Using my life to threaten a man who doesn't love me only makes him disgusted, but I had no other options. I was in absolute agony. I couldn't sleep, day or night. I kept wondering what went wrong. I wasn't ugly, I was educated, my body hadn't fallen apart over the years. Men at the office still hit on me. I became mentally drained, weeping without realizing it. Julian and I had one calm conversation. I remember sitting at the dining table, trying my best to look composed. I had spent countless days and nights psyching myself up to say these words. "I don't blame you, Julian," I said. "I forgive you." He just looked at me coldly. Very, very coldly. "Don't you get it yet, Sarah? I don't need your forgiveness. I love someone else. I want to take responsibility. The reason I'm telling you this is because I want a divorce so I can marry her. Whether you forgive me or not means absolutely nothing. Let's divorce." I screamed. I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and hurled it at him. I rarely lost control like that. My upbringing was strict; I was taught to be a lady, demure and polite. Since I was a child, the compliment I heard most was how sweet and gentle I was. But when a heart is cut over and over again with a blunt knife, any gentle, polite woman will turn hysterical and hideous. Julian would never understand why I was so crazy. In his mind, I had nothing to lose in the divorce. He readily admitted he was the at-fault party. He was giving me everything: the house, the cars, all the marital assets, except for his own newly formed company. We didn't have kids. In his mind, he felt bad, but he had compensated me financially. It was a massive fortune. So why couldn't I just be a good girl and let him go? Why did I have to cling on like this? I didn't know either. Maybe because thirteen years is too long. From high school to now. He occupied over half my life. Our love was fused into every inch of my being, like a seed planted in my veins, rooted deep. Thirteen years—any seed would grow into a massive tree. I couldn't just walk away smiling like everyone advised me to. That would require me to rip out those roots and branches, bit by bit, from my own body. But it was part of me now. Ripping it out would kill me. In the dark of night, I curled up in bed, hugging myself tightly. The pain was unbearable. Chloe tried to convince me to let go. She said Julian was a man who chased emotional highs. A hedonist. He had been with me for over a decade—for a man like him, that was his limit. He followed his desires. He wasn't producing dopamine for our love anymore. He was bored. 5 But I couldn't let go. This divorce drama dragged on so long that everyone around us was exhausted. Julian's patience finally ran out. We were like two wild beasts tearing at each other, ripping all our beautiful memories to shreds. Even Chloe sighed, "How did you guys end up like this?" We were like bitter enemies with a blood feud. As if we had never shared a bed, never held each other close, never loved each other deeply and truly. We left no room for dignity. But now, I was really tired. Congratulations, Julian. You finally got your wish. Listening to the sound of the elevator doors closing outside, I planned my third and final suicide. I sat on the balcony, humming a tune to myself. “Goodbye to yesterday’s love, maybe I shouldn't have cared so much. Now there’s no more obsession left in me. Fate has its own plans, why try to settle the score...” Then I closed my eyes and, with a smile, stepped off. Like I said, I timed it. By the time Julian walked out of the elevator, I should land right in front of him. From the 28th floor, my body would shatter, blood spattering everywhere. It would be a horrific death. A sight that would haunt a person for a lifetime. Before I fell, I kept my eyes locked stubbornly on the building entrance. Finally, I saw Julian walk out. His face was a mask of shock and terror. He froze, looking at me. His first instinct was to run over and try to catch me, but how could he? I held a tiny smile, gentle as I used to be, right until I hit the pavement with a sickening crash. Through the excruciating pain, I died with my eyes wide open, smiling fixedly at him. I wanted him to never forget me. I wanted him to be plagued by his conscience for the rest of his life. I wanted him to live with the overwhelming guilt of what he did to me. I wanted him to never, ever know a day of peace or happiness for the rest of his life. He destroyed me. So I destroyed him. Before Julian and I fell apart, I had done something that crossed a line for him. Before that, he had always maintained a subtle level of guilt toward me. About a month ago, I finally relented. I told Julian I agreed to the divorce. But I had one condition: I wanted to meet the other woman. Julian had protected her well, just like he protected me back in college. From the moment he brought up divorce until our six-month stalemate, I had no idea who she was. I told him I’d agree to the divorce, but I needed to see this girl. I wanted to know what my thirteen years of devotion had lost to. Julian was furious. He thought I was screwing with him. He looked at me in disbelief. "How can you be so manipulative?" He actually thought I was doing it maliciously. Because after meeting her, I changed my mind. By then, I didn't want to explain anymore. It didn't matter what he believed. Actually, I had planned to let go. I really had tried to convince myself to walk away. I wanted to end this undignified marriage that had become a laughingstock. I wanted to set myself free, and set him free. I intended to bless them. But when I met that girl, I changed my mind. She was the polar opposite of me. Lively. Very beautiful. When she looked up, her long eyelashes gave her the fragile, timid look of a startled deer. Seeing me, she was visibly nervous, apologizing over and over again, completely flustered. I sent Julian away. Then I leaned back in my chair and told her, "Convince me. You have the whole afternoon. Convince me to agree to the divorce." Then, she proceeded to meticulously list all the details of her romance with Julian. She was a marketing coordinator at Julian's new company. They met at a joint company happy hour. Later, they went to an escape room with a group. She was scared, screamed, and ran right into Julian's arms. For the rest of the game, she didn't dare leave his side. Finally, getting annoyed by her jumping every two seconds, Julian无奈ly let her hold onto the hem of his jacket until the game ended. Naturally, she offered to treat Julian to dinner to apologize. Over dinner, they discovered they had common interests. After that, they played a video game together online. She was actually good at games, and Julian admired that. Then there were many, many more details of their interactions. She told me about their internal conflict and guilt in the beginning. She told me about a time Julian was distant and cold toward her. She told me about the happiness of their first hand-hold, their first kiss, the first time they slept together. She told me that after they established their relationship, on a rainy afternoon, Julian lay on the couch, she curled up in his arms, Julian rested his chin on the top of her head, and they played a game together on their phones. She said a lot of things. Finally, with tears in her eyes, looking utterly pitiful, she said, "Sarah, I know I've done you wrong. But we truly love each other." I covered my mouth, ran to the bathroom, and retched for a long time. Then I looked at myself in the mirror. Gentle eyes, pale face, which made my dark pupils look even more hollow, tragic, and desperate. I was shaking all over. I had never felt so disgusted. Wave after wave of dizziness hit me. My mind was blank, my vision spinning. I almost couldn't control my own body. But at that exact, inappropriate moment, I thought of when Julian and I got married.
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