My husband is a world-renowned scientist. When asked about his personal life in an interview, he said: "I don't consider myself a qualified partner." "Under no circumstances will I put romance first." "I only wish to use my limited time pursuing the endless frontiers of science." After the program aired, the whole country praised his fearless pursuit of knowledge. I, however, quietly put away my medical report. I had cancer. Terminal. The days he spent in London receiving his award. Were my last days in this world. 01 The last thing I saw before my consciousness faded was the blinding glare of the surgical lights. But when my spirit left my body, allowing me to see the entire operating room. And when I saw the heart monitor next to the bed pull into a flat line. I suddenly realized. I seemed to be dead. 02 I don't know why, but I turned into a spirit, floating around. Just this morning, I was feeling okay. I even spoke a few words to Elias. He had an overseas symposium to present his research at, and his flight was this afternoon. So I woke up at seven to make him breakfast. Elias looked like someone who didn't care about anything, but he was incredibly picky about his food. The toast had to be toasted just a tiny bit crispy, and the milk had to be exactly 80% warm. In our son's words: "Mom, you've spoiled Dad's taste buds." I didn't disagree. After taking meticulous care of him for twenty or thirty years, even the most troublesome things become habits. 03 "Elias, I heard there's a sudden temperature drop in the UK due to some air mass." "I packed an extra down vest for you." "The gum is in the left pocket of your backpack. You always get earaches on flights; chewing a piece will help." "Don't stay up too late at night. Has your heart been bothering you lately? Go to bed early..." "It's a polar continental air mass." My words were abruptly cut off. I looked up dully and met his clear eyes. The saying "time is kind to beauties" fit Elias well. His brow bone was still sharp, and even nearing fifty, the years seemed to have left no mark on him. So the coldness he carried since his youth could still pierce straight to the bottom of my heart. He was correcting the inaccuracy of my first sentence. "Some air mass in the UK" is a "polar continental air mass." But I just wanted to care for him. I lowered my eyes. And straightened his tie for him. "I know." "Have a safe trip, Elias." He turned sideways and walked past me. He thought I had nothing going on this afternoon. Actually, I did. He was going across the Atlantic to attend a scientific symposium. I also had a meeting to attend. My pre-op consultation. The doctor said the success rate of this surgery was only twenty percent. 04 When the doctor informed me that the stomach cancer was discovered too late and the cancer cells had already metastasized throughout my body, I sat in the hospital corridor for an entire afternoon. The TV hanging in the corner was playing Today's Interview. It was the interview Elias was invited to a few days ago. The man with the cold eyes didn't want to waste much time on anything other than scientific research. Even when asked about his wife, he just brushed over it. "I'm a blockhead." "I don't understand romance. A wife... to me, is more of a responsibility." "Celebrate anniversaries? That's formalism. Instead of spending time preparing for that, I'd rather do a few more experiments." It sounded exactly like something Elias would say. Forget anniversaries; he didn't even celebrate birthdays. When I was younger, I used to pester him to celebrate, hoping that one day he would appear before me holding a bouquet of vibrant roses. But I never received a single bouquet of roses. A brain that could memorize countless data points simply refused to remember the four digits of my birthday. Later, I would just sit alone at the table, make myself a bowl of longevity noodles, and consider the day celebrated. Elias was an iron tree; he couldn't bloom. It took me over twenty years to finally accept this truth. So in recent years, I slowly started to feel that I wasn't quite right. Call it exhaustion, or call it giving up. The funny thing was, he was him, and I was me. The path he had laid out plainly before me decades ago, I only understood now. I crumpled the medical notice, stuffed it in my pocket, and only called my son's number. 05 Liam was close to me. Because Elias didn't like kids, and his only son was completely inept at scientific research. After listening to my emotionless account, Liam's voice choked up. "Mom..." "Did you and Dad..." "I didn't tell him." I lowered my eyes, staring at the granite floor. "I don't want to tell him." He is him, and I am me. Besides, what difference would it make if he knew I was sick? Would he drop the scientific research he was so obsessed with day and night to take care of me? "Liam." "Mom doesn't know how much longer she has." "If Mom dies one day, don't tell your dad." I looked down and smoothed out the hem of my shirt. Why bring something Elias didn't care about to him and cause him trouble? "Okay." Liam replied on the other end of the phone. "Mom, to be honest, Dad doesn't deserve it anyway." "He really doesn't deserve someone as good as you." ... 06 My spirit drifted through the hospital corridors. I saw the doctor walk out of the operating room, shake his head regretfully, and Liam lay by my bed crying. He picked me up and brought me to the hospital in the afternoon, waited outside the operating room until evening, but his mom disappointed him and didn't open her eyes. He was crying so heartbrokenly. I hovered anxiously around him, but he couldn't see me. I wanted to hug him so badly, to coax him to stop crying like I did when he was little. Liam worked very hard. Even though he didn't become a scientist like his dad expected, his paintings were loved by many people, and he had an exhibition opening in Italy in the second half of the year. I sat next to him, looked up at the stars in the night sky, and sang him a song like I did to coax him when he was little. He couldn't hear me, but I felt like this way, he would know Mom was right by his side. ... I was suddenly transported very, very far away by a gust of wind. The senses of a spirit after death are truly miraculous. I could perceive what happened in the hospital after I died. And at the same time, I arrived at the venue where Elias was having his meeting. His meeting was supposed to last for seven days. The man in the sharp suit easily became the center of attention. Young, handsome, with a resume that was unprecedented and probably unrepeatable. Actually, speaking of Elias, he was probably the center of attention from childhood to adulthood. In college, the girls who liked him were like a school of fish crossing a river. In that era, which still retained some traditional thinking, girls brazenly chased him all the way to the bottom of his dorm building. Every time, he looked at them with a gaze that kept people thousands of miles away. Wearing the most ordinary white shirt, books tucked under his arm, he looked down at people with restrained aloofness: "I'm sorry, I don't like you." His words were exceedingly merciless. The "popularity" that many men would be immensely proud of was nothing more than a pure annoyance to him. At that time, he had already won national awards until his hands went soft. His name frequently popped out of the teachers' mouths. At that time, I was just one of the students looking up at him, the most marginalized kind. I only dared to secretly catch a glimpse of the corner of his shirt when exiting the cafeteria. Elias absolutely didn't know that before our blind date, I had secretly had a crush on him for three or four years. He also absolutely wouldn't know that three years after graduation. The blind date my family arranged for me was him. "I won't have anyone I like." That was what Elias said to me the first time he met me. "If I have to say I like something, I like doing experiments, doing math—in short, nothing to do with people." He frowned slightly; even so, he couldn't hide his dazzling good looks. He concisely and clearly explained himself. "We are not discussing love." "We are just ensuring we have a descendant. Do you understand?" ... Actually, back then, Elias made it very clear. It was me who thought I could accept it; it was me who wanted to be with him. I always thought we had plenty of time. I always thought that one day, his clear, unwavering gaze would settle on me. I always thought he— Would fall in love with me. Should I say I overestimated myself, pinning my day-and-night dedication on the so-called "love grows over time"? My spirit drifted to his side. Watching him converse with the scholar across from him with a serious expression. The man had a tall, slender build, aloof and elegant. "Was I pretty stupid?" I leaned against his pocket, looking at him. "They say people with high IQs look at normal people the way normal people look at fools." On the other side, my body was sent to the hearse from the funeral home. The academic symposium was buzzing with voices. "Elias, did you think I was pretty stupid?" 07 Elias took a picture of the London night view with his phone and sent it to me. Of course, I could never reply. Liam really didn't tell his dad about my death. He didn't even unblock Elias to send the obituary he posted on my WeChat. This was good. I bothered him too much while I was alive; I didn't want to trouble him and make him change his flight after I died. Besides, I didn't think he would want to see me one last time anyway. The London night view was pretty, but for some reason, that day, he stared at his phone and looked out from the windy balcony for a long time. I leaned over to look and finally understood. In the past, when he sent me messages, I almost always replied instantly. When he went on business trips abroad before, he would casually snap a few photos and send them to me. I would reply with the emojis I saved from Liam: a thumbs-up, or two thumbs-up, with "Awesome!" written on them. This time, he waited a long time, and I didn't reply. "Professor Vance, it's raining outside again." "Come back inside, don't catch a cold." A young female voice sounded behind him. She was his student. In academic circles, some things are tacitly understood. The girl stepped forward somewhat intimately to drape a coat over him, but he pushed her away. 08 "Fish and chips." "Disgusting." Elias sent me a picture of a restaurant. My body was pushed into the incinerator. "It's raining again." Elias sent me a picture out the window of the hotel he was staying at. Relatives and friends attended my burial ceremony. "Presenting results tonight." "Flight back tomorrow." Elias stood at the podium, cameras pointed at him. With my broken English, I understood a little. His results seemed to add another significant stroke to human development. He, standing under the spotlight, in the field he excelled at, unfailingly radiated light and heat. I think this was why I loved him for so many years. But it was me who loved him, not him who loved me. In the drizzling rain of April, as my ashes were buried beside a square tombstone, I finally understood this truth. 09 That night after the meeting ended, when Elias called my phone for the third time and it didn't go through. He changed his flight to the early hours of the morning. On the plane, he frowned the whole time, his face even colder than usual. It makes sense. After being at his beck and call for so many years, suddenly losing contact must be something he wasn't used to. Actually, every time he came back from abroad, I would go to the airport to pick him up. And I would definitely arrive at least two hours early, just waiting for him at the airport. These were all habits. People can't let the ones they hold dear suffer any grievances; I always did everything in my power to make him comfortable. But this time, he had to walk through the empty waiting hall alone and then hail a high-priced taxi at four or five in the morning. When he got home, it was 6 AM. He knocked first, and when no one answered, he unlocked the door with his fingerprint and pushed it open. The house was empty. Everything was the same as when he left: the sink was spotless, the dining table empty. Only the slippers I usually wore were placed at the entryway. He unbuttoned the coat he hadn't had time to change out of because he left in such a hurry, walking around the unlit house, circle after circle. Bedroom, balcony, bathroom. Finally, he opened the washing machine door. ... Finding nothing, he paused and pulled out his phone to call me. He waited for a long time; it went straight to voicemail. He took a deep breath and slid his thumb to the other number on the list. Liam's. The relationship between the two men had been very tense since before Liam became an adult. Over the years, when Liam came home, it was only to see me; he never thought of interacting with his dad. Elias's attitude was even worse. He was obsessed with academics, which meant: don't make him raise kids. He was absent during the most important stages of his son's growth, so his son naturally never spoke to him kindly. "What?" "Where's your mom?" Both of their tones were aggressive, but Liam paused. Then came a very strange laugh, a feeling I can't describe, as he murmured and repeated it. "Where's my mom?" "My mom is gone." "Where did she go?" Elias's frown deepened. The first light of dawn happened to fall on his brow. I heard the son on the other end of the phone, his voice suddenly going blank. "Not gone somewhere." "Mom passed away, Dad." 10 A very long silence pierced both ends of the phone. From my angle, Elias's knuckles turned white as he gripped the phone. "You're this old and still making cheap jokes with other punks?" A lecturing tone. He didn't take it seriously. It seemed that the idea of me dying and not even notifying him of the funeral was something that simply wouldn't compute in Elias's mind. Liam went silent on the other end of the phone. After a long while, he let out a scoff with a tone of release. "Dad." "I haven't joked with you since I was in the sixth grade." Liam hung up. The phone beeped on Elias's end. I thought it was strange; Elias seemed frozen in place, standing there maintaining the posture of holding the phone. Slowly, he sat down on the sofa in the house. Elias was rigorous and serious in his academic work, but his personal life was exactly the opposite; he was casual to the extreme. So the house was always cleaned by me. His study was often piled high with manuscripts, and he wouldn't allow me to touch them. I had been scolded by him more than once for this kind of thing. Thinking about it now, I really wasn't a good match for him. He probably needed a female scientist who could chat with him about the vast universe of academia. Not a third-rate magazine editor who only knew how to wash sofa covers until they were faded and didn't even know what a polar continental air mass was. A tiny bit of light leaked into the room. I saw him touching the lace edge of the sofa cover. Rubbing the lace, which had already accumulated a little dust. Over and over again. 11 The front door opened. Elias snapped his head to look. He moved so forcefully I was afraid he'd sprain his neck. As a result, it was Liam standing outside, jingling the keys in his hand. "Dad, you're here. Good." "Where did Mom keep her ID and the family register?" "I have to go to the police station..." Elias's knuckles, which were rubbing the lace edge, stopped moving and stiffened. "To cancel her residency." "..." In the cabinet below the TV, there were some personal documents belonging to me and Elias. He was the kind of person who threw these things around after taking them, including some of his award medals, so I carefully put them away for him every time. He didn't care about these things at all, but I would always gently stroke them with joy. "What's the point." He didn't understand why I was happy because he won an award. I would just smile and link arms with him. "Because you're my husband, and of course I'm happy when my husband wins an award." When I was young, I still had moments of pestering him and acting cute. Later, washed by the years, I restrained myself a lot. Elias was gripping our marriage certificate and wouldn't let go. The photo on the marriage certificate didn't turn out well either. After all, the corners of his mouth weren't raised even a millimeter, while I smiled as if it were a grand wedding that belonged only to me. Liam found my ID and turned to see Elias holding the two bright red booklets. Staring at who knows what. "Dad, don't worry." "Mom is gone, so your marriage to my mom is naturally dissolved." "You're not her husband anymore, never will be." "Happy? You can freely fall in love with those young female students you mentor." This tone of obvious sarcasm. Normally, Elias would flip out if he heard his son say this. But this time, he didn't make a sound for a long time. It was more like he had been lost in thought for a long time. He just slowly stood up and then picked up his trench coat hanging on the sofa. "I'll go with you."
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