They always say the childhood best friend can never beat the new girl. Not long after she transferred to our school, I saw it happen in the empty stairwell of the science building. My arrogant, untamable childhood friend, Caleb Vance, was standing there with his head bowed like a scolded puppy, apologizing to her for his mistakes. Later, I had a minor disagreement with her. He just casually tossed out a single sentence: "I don't want to see Lily at school anymore." Terrified of offending the wealthy Vance family, my parents immediately transferred me to another district. From that day on, it was as if I had completely vanished from his world. I didn't dare show my face around him. But later, on his birthday, he knocked on my apartment door, completely soaked from the rain. He looked pathetic, his face full of grievance as he asked: "Did you forget it's my birthday today?" 01 They say the girl next door can't beat the new girl. I used to scoff at that idea. But when I sat in the school auditorium, watching Caleb look up at Chloe Adams dancing gracefully on stage, I saw the undeniable, unfiltered adoration in his eyes. At that exact moment, I believed it. I also finally believed the rumors going around—that Caleb, the bad boy who didn't respect anyone or anything, had softened his edges for Chloe in an empty stairwell. The feelings I had buried in my heart, the confession I never got to make, would just have to stay buried forever. When the song ended, I joined the crowd in applauding the shining girl on stage. Caleb got up from his seat, probably to go find Chloe. I stood up and left the auditorium, too. Walking outside, I raised my hand. A small, woven friendship bracelet dangled from my fingers, swaying in the wind. "Lily... here... for you." I had looked at him, confused. "What is this?" Seven-year-old Caleb had been watching soap operas with his aunt and learned about something called a "promise token." "It's for Lily. From now on, Lily can only like me." "I'll protect Lily forever." My eyes stung a little. I took the bracelet off and gripped it in my palm. You shouldn't take the words of a child seriously. But I did. The fearless little tyrant, Caleb Vance, was the biggest joy and the deepest secret of my entire youth. ... Chloe transferred here this semester. She was gorgeous and a competitive dancer. Her arrival caused an instant stir. The girls in my class whispered that Chloe was like the female lead in a young adult novel—the sweet, perfect girl who catches the eye of the untouchable bad boy. And then the bad boy bends all his rules just for her. A lot of guys chased after Chloe back then. Someone even joked that the only one missing was Caleb himself. Caleb had lazily stretched his arms, glancing at the guy who said it. "Does she even deserve my time?" See? He talked so big back then. Before, I refused to believe Caleb and Chloe were a thing because I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, nor had he told me himself that he was with someone else. But now, I knew. It was time to reel in my feelings and keep my distance. I used to walk home with Caleb every day. I couldn't even remember when it started, but eventually, he began making up excuses to make me walk home alone. Honestly, he could have just told me. I wouldn't have clung to him. After all, we were never actually together. 02 When we got back to school on Monday, it was time to collect the weekend homework before study hall. Caleb was the ultimate rebel. He just stared at the class rep and said, "Didn't do it." He used to listen to me. The whole class knew it, too. So whenever this happened, they'd come running to me to complain. It was the same this time, except they couldn't even find him. Because the second the bell rang, he was out the door looking for Chloe. "Lily, Caleb didn't do his homework again, and we have no idea where he went. Could you..." "Just turn the stack in to the teacher," I said, shaking my head with a smile. "If he doesn't do his homework from now on, you don't need to tell me." Hearing me say that, they just nodded. It seemed the rumors about Caleb's new girlfriend were entirely true. My attitude only confirmed it for them. When study hall started, I kept my head down, working on my AP Calculus practice tests. Before Chloe showed up, I wanted Caleb to get into Columbia University with me. Now, I only wanted to work hard enough to get into Columbia on my own and chase my own dreams. Caleb didn't come back for the entire period. The teacher frowned from the podium, asking where he was. The whole class looked at me, but I never once lifted my head. During the second period, Caleb finally strolled in from outside. He sat at his desk without a word, staring into space until a classmate told him the principal wanted to see him. He snapped out of it. As he walked past my desk, he paused for a second. I didn't look up. I was calculating the final problem on my test. Every time I hit the last question, I could only solve the first part before my brain froze. By the time I finally solved it, my desk-mate leaned over cautiously. "What's going on with you and Caleb?" "Nothing." "Seriously? But you used to get more anxious than anyone else when he skipped study hall or didn't do his work." She looked entirely unconvinced. I spaced out for a second, then told her, "That was in the past. I'm not going to manage him anymore." "Oh." She covered her mouth in shock. "So... Caleb really is dating Chloe?" I lowered my eyes and stayed silent. It wasn't until after the bell rang for the second study hall that Caleb slowly wandered back into the room. A moment later, a folded piece of paper landed on my desk. Leave first after school. I read the note, my expression flat, put it away, and went back to my test. The classroom was always loud and chaotic right after the final bell. I sat at my desk, packing my bag. Suddenly, the room went dead silent. My desk-mate gasped, and I followed her gaze. Chloe was standing in the doorway. She tilted her head slightly, curled her finger at Caleb, and turned to walk away. I couldn't control my eyes as they darted to Caleb. He gave a helpless, fond little smile, grabbed his bag, and followed her out. The classroom instantly erupted into whispers. "Holy crap, it's actually true." "I used to think Caleb and Lily were end-game. The bad boy and the straight-A good girl. But a bad boy and a dancer? Kind of a better aesthetic." "Don't be a sheep. Am I the only one who feels bad for Lily?" "They practically grew up together." "Like I said, the girl next door never beats the new girl." ... My desk-mate pressed her lips together, trying to figure out how to comfort me. I threw my backpack over my shoulder. My heart felt like it was dying, aching so badly I could hardly breathe. But I forced a smile. I couldn't cry. If I let anyone see how broken I was, I'd become the school's running joke by tomorrow. "I'm fine. Caleb and I have only ever been friends. I'm heading out. See you tomorrow." She still looked worried but waved back. "See you. Be safe on the way home." Stepping out of the noisy school building, I gripped my backpack straps so hard my knuckles turned white, clenching my jaw. But the tears fell anyway. My chest felt impossibly tight. How did he just suddenly fall for someone else? My vision blurred, but the arrogant, bright voice of the boy from my memories kept echoing in my ears. “I can do anything. And Lily Evans is the girl I'm going to protect for the rest of my life.” 03 "Lily, why didn't you wait for me this morning?" Caleb had shown up late again. After class, he walked over, sounding aggrieved, and slammed a carton of milk on my desk. My hand, which had been writing down vocabulary words, paused. I glanced at the milk from the corner of my eye. "I already ate breakfast. And from now on, I won't be walking with you in the mornings. I need to get to school early." Caleb sat in the empty chair next to mine, looking completely lost. He propped his chin on his hand. "I haven't messed with you recently, have I? Didn't we always walk together?" "Things are different now." I put my pen down, took a deep breath, and gave him a polite smile. "You have a girlfriend. We should keep our distance." His expression froze for a second before he processed it. "She won't mind. She knows..." "I mind." I looked him dead in the eye. "I don't want to become the target if the two of you ever have relationship problems." "Lily..." Caleb had a terrible temper and zero patience. After saying that much, his patience was officially gone. His face went ice-cold. He stood up abruptly. The chair scraped harshly against the floor, making a horrible screech. He dropped one last sentence: "Suit yourself." I lowered my head and silently closed my eyes. I had sat on my balcony all night yesterday, letting the cold wind hit me, wondering if I should just keep playing the fool, hiding my feelings, and staying by his side. But the bond we grew up with had to end here. They say you can't hide the look in your eyes when you love someone. If I kept following him around, it wouldn't be fair to me, or to Chloe. No girlfriend wants an overly intimate female best friend hovering around her boyfriend. After that day, Caleb never initiated a conversation with me again. Even when we passed each other in the hallways, he looked right through me. The girl standing next to him went from being me to being Chloe. He introduced her to everyone in his inner circle. Chloe was his first love, the girl he was completely infatuated with. I studied quietly, listening to their epic romance through the grapevine, just like everyone else. Because Chloe practiced dance so hard, she would get stomach cramps late at night. The next day, Caleb would bring her special, low-fat dinners prepared by his family's personal chef. A varsity athlete from a rival high school had a crush on Chloe. A few days ago, he cornered her in an alley after school. Rumor has it Caleb beat him half to death. In this month's mock exams, I took back the number one spot in the grade. My teacher had once warned me not to manage Caleb anymore, saying it would only drag my grades down. Caleb's family was filthy rich. Whether he got good grades or not meant absolutely nothing to his future. After school, I rested my chin on my hand, looking out the window at the brilliant sunset. "Lily, where do you want to go for college?" One hot summer evening, Caleb had sat next to me, casually twirling a strand of my hair around his long fingers, asking me out of the blue. I answered without hesitation: "Columbia." "That's so far away." Truthfully, I never told him why. I wanted to go to Columbia not just because it was an Ivy League school, but because I wanted to escape this city. I wanted to escape my family. My dad was like a lot of men. Once he got rich, his heart wandered. My mom refused to get a divorce. She believed it was her fault for not giving him a son, which was why he messed around with other women. In the dead of night, she would point a shaking finger at me and scream, crying over why I wasn't a boy. If I were a boy, Dad wouldn't have cheated. Later on, she finally did give birth to a son. My dad briefly returned to the family, but my mom poured every ounce of her soul into my little brother. To her, she finally had someone to rely on—a son to take care of her when she grew old. "Hmm... then I guess I'll just have to get into Columbia too. You're so clueless. Without me there to protect you, you'd get eaten alive." The boy bragging in front of me had been the only light in my shattered life. I wanted to hold onto that light with everything I had. So I was willing to waste all my time on him, even if I couldn't make it to Columbia, as long as we ended up at the same school. 04 A rumor that Chloe was the "other woman" started spreading like wildfire across the school. When my desk-mate and I came back from the bathroom, Chloe ran past me, covering her mouth and sobbing. Caleb came charging down the hall in the opposite direction. He grabbed me by the throat, looking like he wanted to kill me. "Lily, didn't you say you were going to stay the hell away from me?! What kind of stunt are you pulling now?!" I couldn't breathe. My desk-mate panicked and tried to shove him off me. "Are you crazy?! Lily and I just got back from the bathroom! Let her go, she can't breathe!" Caleb yanked his hand back like he'd been burned. I gasped for air, collapsing against the lockers. "You make me sick, Lily." "Lily, are you okay?" I crouched on the floor, coughing violently, tears spilling out of my eyes. Mia Brooks hugged me, gently patting my back. "It's okay, Lily. Caleb and that girlfriend of his have lost their damn minds." I wiped my eyes, biting my lip so hard to keep from crying out loud. The sheer hatred in Caleb's eyes just now... I didn't even recognize him. It felt like he really wanted to choke the life out of me. The boy from my memories was gone. Completely gone. Later, a classmate carefully slid her phone under the desk to show me. Someone had posted an anonymous confession on the school's gossip app, accusing Chloe of being a homewrecker who ruined my relationship with Caleb. A lot of people believed it. The comments underneath were tearing Chloe apart, using the ugliest words imaginable. The bruises on my neck had turned red. I thought to myself, When I get home tonight, I'll post a clarification to clear her name. But before I could even write the post, I walked through my front door to find my parents sitting on the couch, their faces dark with fury. They had clearly been waiting for me. A terrible feeling settled in my gut. A glass suddenly shattered against the floor right next to my feet. "What the hell did you do at school to piss off Caleb Vance?!" My dad slammed his hand on the coffee table, his eyes practically bulging out. "Do you have any idea that our company only survives because of the Vance family?! Are you trying to ruin your own father?!" I stood there, listening to my mom call me a worthless waste of money, while my dad demanded I go apologize to Caleb. The cold, massive house felt freezing. I was shivering, cold down to my bones. I don't know—and I can't remember—how that interrogation ended, or how I was physically dragged over to apologize to him. I actually wanted to tell him that I didn't write that post, but that I would clear things up for him. But when the door opened, he looked down at me from above, his eyes as cold as ice. The words died in my throat. I lowered my head. I bowed. I apologized. He just looked at me blankly, leaning against the doorframe. "I never want to see you at school again, Lily." My parents bowed and scraped, promising over and over that they would never let me appear in front of him again. I looked up at him mechanically. Under the harsh white porch light, I couldn't seem to read his expression anymore. I couldn't even clearly see his face. In that moment, my pride was utterly trampled into the dirt. It was then I realized that he and I were never from the same world. We were never on equal footing. The moon never lowers itself just because people wish for it. The moon you see at the bottom of a well is just a reflection, a total illusion. And all the kindness that rich boy had shown me in the past was just a fleeting whim of youth. I shouldn't have fantasized about anything. From the very beginning, I was wrong. That night, I packed my bags. My parents made some calls and transferred me. 05 It had been almost two weeks since I transferred to Westside High. I rented a small apartment near the school. My parents were so terrified of Caleb seeing me and getting angry that they just told me not to come home anymore. East side, West side. Even though we were in the same city, unless we went out of our way, we would never run into each other. "Hey, Lily. Come watch me play basketball today." The guy talking to me was wearing a black-and-white jersey, his sharp, slightly upturned eyes full of amusement. When I first transferred, the girls in my class warned me: "That's Asher Reed. Famous for being ridiculously handsome and a massive player." The other students around us pretended to do their own thing, but kept throwing side-glances our way. They said this was the first time Asher had actually chased a girl for this long. At seventeen, people always romanticized the idea of a high school love story happening right in front of them. They said the player was turning over a new leaf. But a reformed player is still dirty. I gently shook my head. "I'm not going. I have AP Calculus to finish." He glanced at the textbook on my desk and raised an eyebrow. "Lily, do you realize I've been chasing you for two weeks?" "And?" He chuckled. "And so, why do you keep rejecting me?" By then, the classroom had mostly emptied out. The sun was setting outside, painting half the sky in brilliant shades of orange. I suddenly remembered a quote I'd read once: The evening breeze is free, the sunset is free, and I am entirely unique. "Lily, do you know you give off this really contradictory vibe?" The sound of a referee's whistle blew from the basketball courts, slicing through the quiet afternoon. I looked at him. He smirked. "It's like this vibe of being completely dead inside, mixed with a weird, ruthless determination." "Which just makes me more interested." I gave him a cold look and kindly reminded him, "Your game started." "We're playing Eastside High today." His voice was raspy, dropping a hint that he knew exactly where I came from. No one else was around. I looked back down at my test. Finding my reaction boring, he clicked his tongue and walked away. Once he was gone, I looked up at the silent clock on the wall. I had a pretty good idea who wrote that anonymous post about Chloe. But what good did it do me to expose it now? Westside High wasn't like Eastside. Every day at 6:30 PM, the classrooms automatically shut off the power to save electricity. When the lights went out, only the fading sunset illuminated the room. I packed up my books and walked downstairs. A gentle evening breeze blew cherry blossom petals off the trees, scattering them across the ground before carrying them away. I stood there, blinking quietly at the sight. Looking back at my short seventeen years of life, it felt exactly like those cherry blossoms—helpless, blown away by forces completely out of my control. "Wait, is that Lily?" The voice snapped me out of my thoughts just as I was about to walk away. Two familiar faces blocked my path, looking shocked to see me here. When I used to hang around Caleb, I got to know his friends. We used to get along fine. Both of them were holding sports drinks; they must have just come from the vending machines. "Lily, you really transferred here?" I looked at him, not entirely sure what he meant by "really," but I nodded anyway. The guy with the slicked-back hair nudged his friend and said, "Lily, you and Caleb grew up together. He happens to be here today. Why don't you take this chance to clear up the misunderstanding?" Everyone else knew I wasn't the kind of person to do something like that. Yet Caleb, the boy who grew up with me, was the only one entirely convinced I did. "I didn't..." Before I could finish, a cold voice cut in from a distance: "Does it take this long to buy a Gatorade? Or are you just standing around talking to irrelevant people?" He stood a few yards away, his eyes dark and hostile as they swept over me, looking at me like I was a total stranger. Hearing that, the two guys looked at me awkwardly. I just smiled. "I'm heading out. See you." "Yeah, see you." 06 Life at Westside was quiet. Time moved slowly. Sometimes I'd get stuck in my own head, wondering why nobody loved me. I was brilliant. My name was permanently glued to the top of the honor roll. When I was little, my mom told me everyone loves the smart kid. But when I grew up, I realized only teachers love the smart kid. My parents didn't. I studied in total silence, waiting for the next exam, waiting for the SATs, waiting for nobody. My grades were an unstoppable force. I took first place in the state-wide mock exams. Standing on the high podium, the warm summer breeze blew through my hair and ruffled my uniform jacket. I looked down at the sea of students in their identical blue and white uniforms. Their eyes held envy and admiration. The principal stood at the microphone, using every impressive adjective in the dictionary to describe me. The ivy vines outside the window kept climbing. The cicadas grew louder. The sunsets grew redder. The sound of students reciting flashcards in the senior hallways grew deafening. Everyone wished they could hit pause on time, slow it down just a little bit more. I never saw Caleb again. It was like my ties to all my old friends were completely severed. I suppose they were always Caleb's friends, not mine. When summer break started, I didn't go back to that house. My family lived too close to the Vance estate. The day I transferred to Westside, the only thing my parents told me was: Don't let Caleb see you. If you see him, walk the other way. I was seventeen this year. Next semester, I'd be a senior. My parents never once wondered if I was anxious about senior year. They never asked. Under the dim yellow streetlights, I sat on a bench, reciting English essays from memory. It didn't matter. Every formula I memorized, every vocab word I learned, every practice test I took—they were all going to carry me out of this place. They were going to carry me toward a better, brighter future. People walked past me in the street. Nobody stopped for anyone. ... When I walked out of the public library that afternoon, my phone rang. I answered it, but there was only silence on the other end. I frowned at the screen. Unknown number. I hesitantly asked, "Hello?" Still nothing. I hung up without a second thought. "Lily!" Asher ran out of the sports complex across the street, waving at me. He jogged over. "Wanna grab food?" I hugged my books to my chest, glancing at his friends in the background who were clearly shoving each other and laughing. "I'm just going to grab takeout and head home. You should eat with your friends." "Come on, eating takeout every day is terrible for you. I'm taking you to a real dinner." Before I could protest, Asher was dragging me down the street. He took me to a high-end French restaurant. Everyone inside was wearing tailored suits or elegant dresses. Even the waiters were in formal wear. Then there was me and Asher. I was wearing an oversized white T-shirt and denim shorts; he was wearing his red-and-white basketball jersey. We looked completely out of place. I quickly tried to stop him. "Are you sure about this? We can't go in looking like this." He blinked at me, genuinely confused. "Isn't it just a place to eat?" Hearing his totally unapologetic logic, I realized he was kind of right. Before I could make up my mind, a waiter walked over. He looked at our outfits, smiled professionally, and asked, "Table for two?" "Yep," Asher nodded. "Right this way, please." The waiter smiled and led us inside. He walked us straight to a booth by the window. He asked, "Would you like to enjoy the view?" Asher nudged his chin at me. I checked the time; it was past six. The sunset should be out. I gave a small nod. The waiter smiled. "Certainly." He pressed a button somewhere, and the tinted glass instantly cleared, letting a flood of warm, golden hour light spill over the table. My jaw dropped a little. It was incredible. When I snapped out of it, the waiter was gone. Asher handed me a menu. "What do you want to eat?" The prices were insane. I hesitated. Asher laughed. "Scared of bankrupting me?" Half of his face was bathed in the sunlight, the golden rays making his eyes sparkle. I told the truth: "Everything is really expensive." "Relax. I can afford it. Order whatever you want." I pushed the menu back to him. "You order. I'm not picky." He took it back, teasing, "Not bad. Easy to keep fed." "How do you like your steak cooked?" "I don't like it raw." He thought about it. "If it's too well-done, it'll be tough. Medium-well?" "Sure." After ordering, I pointed at myself. "Guess what I feel like right now?" He took a sip of water, the corner of his mouth curving up. "What?" "Like a peasant who wandered into a royal palace." He burst out laughing. When Asher laughed, he had two shallow dimples. It was bright and warm. Looking at him, I suddenly thought of Caleb again. I actually hadn't thought about him in a long time. Caleb had a dimple when he smiled, too. He just didn't smile much. Most of the time, he only gave a faint smirk. I used to poke the spot where his dimple was and say, "You should smile more. You look good when you smile." When Chloe transferred, he started smiling a lot more. Sometimes it was a sweet smile, sometimes a fond one. Looking back, that was the universal truth of it all: He just didn't like smiling at me. The dinner started when the sunset was at its peak and ended when the sky outside had gone completely dark. By the time we walked out, the plaza was packed with people. "Lily, I had a really good time today." I looked up at him. He was looking down at me, smiling. "Today's my birthday." "What?!" I stared at him in shock. "If it's your birthday, I should have been the one buying! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He sighed, faking a tragic look. "I was afraid if I told you, you wouldn't come eat with me." "I wouldn't have done that," I said. After a minute, I started thinking about what I could buy him as a gift. Suddenly, I felt warm breath brush against my cheek. He had leaned in close, his voice raspy as he asked: "Thinking about what to get me?" He had dyed his hair bleach blonde two days ago, which earned him a public reprimand on the school bulletin board. The wind blew through his hair, making him look like a golden retriever. "I want that scent pouch. The little sachet." A while back, he'd come looking for me. As I was packing up, a small, hand-embroidered sachet fell out of my bag. He had picked it up, swung it around by its string, and asked, "Can I have this? Please, Lily?" I turned him down back then. Because I originally made that sachet for Caleb's birthday. I had stitched the patterns onto it by hand, needle by needle. Even though I was never going to give it to Caleb now, it didn't feel right to give it to Asher. It felt like I was giving him someone else's trash. I nodded seriously. "Okay. But you have to wait a few days. I'll make a brand new one just for you." On the walk back to my apartment, Asher asked me for the first time: "Lily, where do you want to go for college?" I looked up at the sparse stars in the sky. "Columbia." "Why?" "Because..." "Because I hate it here. It never snows in this city. I want to see the snow." Asher kept his head down, deep in thought, and just nodded. We slowly walked up to the front of my apartment building. He said, "Go on up. Bye." I took a few steps, then turned back to look at him. The boy in the basketball jersey was standing in the shadows, a faint smile on his lips, his eyes slightly dim. My heart fluttered for a second. I waved at him. "Happy birthday, Asher." Hearing that, he raised his hand and waved back, laughing. "You're definitely going to Columbia, Lily."
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