I broke up with my boyfriend the year he was the most broke. A year later, he was a star, married to a girl prettier and more vibrant than I ever was. During a TV special, the host asked him, "You've swept the awards at such a young age. Do you have any regrets?" He pulled his wife, Stella, closer, his arm around her waist. “I’d just like to know,” he said, his voice smooth as silk, “how she’s doing now. After we broke up.” The host paused. “She’s… not doing well at all.” A slow, satisfied smile spread across Oren Pearce’s face. “Good. That sets my mind at ease.” “But… Ms. Nolan left behind a box of tapes before she died.” Oren’s smile froze. On the tapes were the days and nights of my life, from the moment I left him until the moment I died. 1 “Before she died?” Oren’s hand, resting on Stella’s waist, tightened for a fraction of a second. Then he let out a short, contemptuous laugh. “Is this part of the show? Some kind of gimmick?” The host simply shook his head. On the massive screen behind them, my face appeared. My smile. “Hey everyone, it’s Quinn! And as of today, I’m officially single!” The girl on the screen—her head shaved clean—was trying on a wig. “What’s that? You’re asking if I’m sad about dumping the sweet, handsome guy with a future brighter than the sun?” She looked at the camera and grinned. “Nah. What would be sad is him seeing me like this. Hahaha!” “Hey, why are you shaking? You’re making the shot all wobbly.” In the video, I reached out and steadied my best friend Tessa’s trembling hand. Tessa’s voice cracked. “I don’t want to do this… I’m going to cry my eyes out. I can’t film this…” “No way. You promised. You promised you’d document every single day until I’m gone.” “Can’t I back out?” Tessa pleaded, her voice thick with tears. “Nope!” I pouted. “My grand finale deserves the best director. I can’t trust anyone else with it.” Seeing she was still crying, I tugged at the corner of her shirt. “Come on, Tess. You’re all I have left in this world.” That only made her sob harder. “Fine, fine! I’ll film, okay? Just… stop.” 2 [So Long, World - April 17, 2023, 9:34 AM — You Can Take It All] After so many years, I was back at the old family house in the countryside. Tessa trailed behind me, phone in hand, as I walked our old golden retriever, Buddy, down a dirt path between fields. Her light laughter drifted on the breeze. “I was wondering why Oren suddenly posted that song on his story. It’s because you took Buddy, isn’t it?” I turned. “What song? I blocked him the day we broke up.” “That old breakup anthem. ‘Take It All’.” Tessa and I looked at each other for a moment, then burst into a fit of laughter and tears. “You can take it all, every single thing,” we sang, our voices shaky. “I’ll take what’s left of this broken mess.” “Just leave our dog, he’s my only friend…” Tessa was laughing so hard tears streamed down her face. “He didn’t want anything but the dog, and you didn’t take anything but the dog! Hahaha!” Our laughter echoed across the fields, slowly, painfully, dissolving into tears. 3 [So Long, World - April 17, 2023, 10:08 AM — Do Dogs Know You’re Leaving?] The old wooden door creaked open. I swatted away a spiderweb. “You know, ever since Oren and I moved to LA for college, I barely came back here. After Mom and Dad were gone, we took Buddy with us. This is the first time he’s been back.” The camera perspective shifted. Now I was holding it. “Hey, hey! It’s Quinn, and welcome to my immersive tour of the old family homestead!” Tessa, wearing an apron and holding a broom, scowled. “My lady, I’m the one doing all the work!” “I’m the patient! You have to spoil me!” After a round of laughter, I emerged from the kitchen, my face smudged with soot. Tessa snatched the spatula from my hand, her expression dark. “I told you, no cooking! Have you forgotten how bad you are at it? Out! Go sit down!” I coughed, a smile playing on my lips, and sat on the sofa. The moment Tessa was back in the kitchen, the smile vanished. I propped the phone up on the table and gasped for air, my chest heaving. My hand trembled as I took a few deep pulls from a small oxygen canister before turning back to the camera with a weak smile. “Sorry about that. The breathing thing… it’s been happening more and more lately. Ahem! I’m actually a great cook, you know. Really.” “Watch me brave the kitchen once more!” As I stood, a furry weight settled on my feet. The camera panned down. It was Buddy, his eyes droopy, lying on my sneakers. “You hungry, boy?” I offered him a piece of jerky. He took it gently, then lay back down on my feet, unmoving. “Come on, Buddy. I’m going to go check on Tessa. Up.” He didn’t budge. “What’s with you? You’re so clingy today.” I stroked his fur, which had grown coarse with age. “I get it. You’re getting old too, huh? Too tired to move? Okay, then. I’ll stay with you a little longer.” I leaned back on the sofa. “I won’t have many more chances to, anyway.” Buddy let out a low, soft whine. 4 [So Long, World - April 17, 2023, 11:21 AM — Is a House Still a Home with No One in It?] When I woke up on the sofa, Tessa was kneeling at my feet. She looked up when she heard me stir, her face slick with tears. “Quinn… they say that dogs can sense when their owner is about to leave, so they go on ahead to wait for them in the next life. Is that true?” The phone in my hand nearly fell. I scrambled to touch Buddy. He was still. There was no breath. He had passed away quietly, lying at my feet, while I had drifted off to sleep. I tried to laugh, but it came out looking more painful than a sob. “What are you talking about? Buddy was ten years old. It was just his time.” When the camera was on again, I was on the hill behind the house, patting down the earth on a small mound of dirt. My breathing was ragged, my face pale. Wiping sweat from my brow, I pointed back toward the house. “Home is straight that way. Don’t you lose your way, now. And whatever you do, don't go to Oren's…” I stopped myself. With a small, sad smile, I dropped my hand. “Actually, don’t go back. It’ll be empty soon enough. You just wait for me. We’ll build a new home down there, with Mom and Dad.” A sob came from behind the camera, making it shake. I looked up, smiling at the person holding it. “What are you doing? You can’t even hold the camera steady.” Tessa’s crying grew louder. “You’re the one! What are you saying?!” I laughed and beckoned to her. “Look at you. Come on, let’s go home. I’m ready for some of your famous cooking.” “Quinn! If you keep talking like that, I’m going to stop speaking to you!” I walked over, grinning, and slung an arm around her shoulder. “Don’t you worry. Your girl Quinn is invincible. This little cancer? Handled.” I made a little pinching gesture with my thumb and forefinger. “Hahahahahaha!” 5 [So Long, World - April 18, 2023, 8:27 AM — Sometimes, I Forget I’m a Patient] “Quinn! Quinn, open the door!” Tessa was pounding on the bedroom door. The camera was propped up nearby, angled awkwardly, capturing only her frantic legs. From inside the room, my voice, raw and broken, screamed, “Go away! I said, go away! Leave me alone!” The screaming was followed by the violent sounds of retching. Tessa sounded like she was about to cry. “Quinn, I’m going to break the door down! What’s wrong? Let me in!” “GO AWAY! JUST LET ME BE ALONE!” My heart-wrenching sobs echoed through the screen. Tessa threw her shoulder against the door. The old wood groaned and splintered open. Inside, I was knelt by the trash can, strands of hair matted to my face with vomit. I was a wreck, a ghost of the girl who had been laughing and singing just the day before. I looked up, my eyes bloodshot and filled with despair. “Tessa…” “Quinn.” She knelt, ignoring the mess, and pulled me into a fierce hug. My hands trembled as I wrapped them around her, burying my face in her shoulder, my tears soaking her shirt. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you… But sometimes, when I wake up, I forget. For a moment, I think I’m just… normal Quinn. And then I stare at the ceiling for what feels like forever until it hits me… I’m sick… I’m sick, Tessa…” I couldn’t speak through the sobs. Tessa held me tighter. “I know. It’s okay. It’s okay, Quinnie. You can get through this. You can… You’re… you’re Quinn Nolan, for God’s sake…” 6 [So Long, World - April 21, 2024, 4:34 PM — Sometimes, Forgetting Is a Kindness to the Departed] I was leaning on Tessa’s shoulder, my sleeve pushed up to reveal an arm covered in black-and-blue bruises. My voice was hoarse. “What am I going to do, Tess? They’re running out of places to stick the needle. It hurts so much.” “Oh, now you feel the pain? Where was this energy last night when you were up all night fighting for tickets?” I pouted. “I have to see my ex-boyfriend’s first major concert since he made it big, don’t I? It’s been a while. I need to see if his singing has improved.” Tessa fell silent. After a long moment, she nudged me. “You said you broke up with him because you didn’t want to be a burden. If he still has feelings for you… would you ask him for help now?” “Never.” My voice was firm. “But a single song of his can earn millions now. He could afford to get you the best treatment.” “Still no! And you’re not allowed to tell him, either!” “But, Quinn, right now you’re…” I put my hands on my hips, the IV line in my hand leaving a faint blue mark on my skin. “I’m fine right now! Besides, I dumped him when he had nothing. What would it look like if I came crawling back the second he made it, saying I was sick? No. Don’t worry.” I gave her a weak grin. “I’m Quinn Nolan! This little cancer? Handled.” I made the pinching gesture again. Tessa just watched me for a moment, then sighed. I waved her on. “Come on, let’s go. There’s no guarantee spending a fortune would even cure this. I’d rather use what I have left to enjoy myself. Let’s go, let’s go! We’re going to the amusement park tonight, right? But first, I found this amazing barbecue place…” “Oof!” I walked straight into someone. I was apologizing profusely when I looked up and saw his face. I froze, then stumbled back several steps. Tessa gasped. “Oren?” Even with the mask and sunglasses, I knew. You always know the eyes of the person you loved. “Quinn?” His handsome eyes, the ones that always seemed to smile, were wide with shock. Then, the shock hardened into anger. Resentment. Without a second thought, I turned and ran. The camera shook wildly as Tessa scrambled to follow me. A cancer patient was running faster than she ever had when she was healthy. Behind the sound of my ragged gasps for breath, a voice roared my name. “Quinn! Do you hate me that much?!”
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