
I’m a travel vlogger. On that sweltering All Souls’ Eve, the zoo’s "Hungry Ghost Gate" (a rusted Victorian arch) creaked open by itself. The fortune-teller—a defrocked Jesuit who studied Taoism—warned me: "That macaque’s yang lifespan is draining. It is kowtowing to you to borrow your life." So I knelt like a confessing sinner and headbutted the ground until the cobblestones wept blood. Forty-seven strikes. A Catholic-Asian exorcism. 1 I’m a travel vlogger. On a sweltering All Souls’ Eve, while the rest of the city was shuttered in, I was still live-streaming from the Blackwood Zoo, grinding to leave my competition in the dust. The sun bled across the horizon, painting the empty pathways in shades of orange and blood. I was in the primate house, pointing my front-facing camera at a lone macaque, when I connected with the biggest paranormal streamer on the web. He went by "Master Shanyuan," a name he’d adopted after his time studying Taoism. Rumor had it he was a defrocked Jesuit, which only added to his mystique. On screen, he was the spitting image of an ancient sage—a young man with long, dark hair tied back in a scholar's knot, clad in flowing silken robes. He looked the part, and then some. "Master Shanyuan, hey! It's Chloe," I said, forcing a cheerful grin. "Tonight, we're checking out the monkeys." I panned the camera back to the macaque. Shanyuan’s serene expression tightened. His brow furrowed, his face turning grim. "That's one of the Old Ones," he said, his voice a low hum. "A relic from a forgotten time. Long ago, the Monkey King himself stormed the underworld and struck its name from the Ledger of Souls. It lives, but its yang lifespan has run dry." My chat lit up. 【what is this, a halloween special??】 I glanced back at the monkey. Its fur was sleek, but its back was hunched, its movements ancient and weary. Its eyes, cold and dark, were locked onto me. And then it began to bow. Thump. Thump. Thump. The sound echoed unnervingly in the silent enclosure. It was prostrating itself, its forehead hitting the concrete floor with a sickening rhythm. "It's kowtowing to you," Shanyuan said, his voice flat, like a newscaster reporting a tragedy. "Begging to borrow your life." "One year. Two years." I spun around, dropped to my knees, and started kowtowing right back at it. "GIVE ME MY YEARS BACK, YOU FURRY LITTLE DEMON! GIVE THEM BACK!" I slammed my forehead into the ground—fast, hard, precise. The ghostly monkey froze mid-kowtow, its jaw slack with astonishment. Shanyuan deadpanned, "I... don't think that's how this is supposed to work." He continued his emotionless countdown. "Negative one year. Negative two years." The monkey snapped out of its stupor. We stared each other down, a bizarre duel of frantic prostration. But it was old, its movements stiff. It couldn't keep up with the raw, desperate energy of a vlogger fighting for her life. Smoke seemed to curl from its wrinkled brow as it struggled to match my pace. 【lmao a vlogger and a monkey in a kowtow battle, is this real life??】 【i'm not even paying for this content, i feel like i'm stealing】 "If you haven't followed yet, now's the time, people!" I yelled between headbutts, my voice strained. "Hit that button and power up your girl!" I was young, I was fit, and I was terrified. I out-bowed that monkey by a full forty-seven strikes. With one final, wheezing gasp, it collapsed, its borrowed time exhausted. I had reverse-uno'd death itself. Shanyuan’s gaze drifted to the dying sun behind me. "The park is closing. You need to leave before the last light fades." "The parrots here... only one of them tells the truth." "And whatever you do," he added, his voice dropping an octave, "do not make eye contact with the pythons." He paused, cleared his throat, and his entire demeanor shifted into a slick, commercial drone. "And hey, if you run into any... 'technical difficulties,' head on over to the Azure Sky Priory's online shop. We've got talismans, wards, the whole shebang. Group discounts as low as $9.99 a pop, folks." 2 I scrambled to my feet and started back the way I came. The first enclosure on my route was the Reptile House. A colossal python, thick as a tree trunk, was coiled behind a wall of reinforced glass. I fumbled in my bag, pulled out a pair of oversized sunglasses, and slapped them on. Then I strode past with all the fake bravado I could muster. 【wait, that actually works? XD】 【CHLOE, BEHIND YOU!!】 【OMG OMG OMG WHAT IS THAT THING】 I whipped my head around. There, clinging to the branches of a gnarled oak tree, was the monkey. The one I’d just kowtowed into oblivion. It was back. It scrabbled on all fours, a dark, twitching horror, its body moving in a way that defied nature. A guttural screech tore from its throat. Did it just buy a respawn? Seriously? This thing was more persistent than a pop-up ad. "It just took a quick trip to the Underworld's antechamber," Shanyuan explained calmly from my phone. "But its name isn't in the Ledger of Souls, so they kicked it right back out." I didn't need to be told twice. I broke into a dead sprint. "So what's the play here?!" I gasped, my lungs burning. "My professional advice," he said, "would be to run faster than it does." "Are you kidding me?!" The monkey gave chase while I ran for my life, vaulting over benches and dodging possessed popcorn stands. Finally, I leaned against a wall, wheezing. This couldn't go on. I quickly edited my stream description: 【Travel Vlogger Takes On The Underworld. Zero Experience.】 It was immediately flagged and removed for violating community guidelines. "Son of a..." My fingers flew across the screen, pulling up the Azure Sky Priory's online shop. The talismans were all sold out. My chat was a flood of comments. 【Ooh, a talisman? Dibs.】 【Home alone and officially creeped out. Adding to cart.】 You guys couldn't have left one for me?! Shanyuan spoke up. "If you'd like to see this item restocked, smash that 'like' button, friends. If we get enough interest, I'll have my apprentice whip up another batch." DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'M DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW?! His apprentice’s head popped into the frame. "For our more... impatient patrons, a generous donation will get you a custom-drawn sigil, live and on the spot." I didn't hesitate. I tipped five hundred dollars. Shanyuan lifted his brush, dipped it in what looked like crimson ink, and began to paint. The lines were fluid, ancient. When he was done, he held the finished sigil up to the camera. It seemed to pulse with a faint light. "Show this to the monkey," he said, a note of pride in his voice. "Ah, a truly perfect specimen." I cranked my phone's brightness to max and shoved it in the monkey's face. It froze, its shrieking dying in its throat. A thin wisp of smoke began to curl from its fur. That was my cue. I ran. 3 The next area was the aviary. A row of parrots perched on a branch, their heads cocked. As I passed, they started talking. "Your favorite ship is queerbait." "The day before my wedding, I found out my fiancé was sleeping with my maid of honor." "I am the last heir of the Romanov dynasty. Venmo me $500 for a train ticket to my hidden vault, and I will make you a Duke when I reclaim my throne." "The McDonald's ice cream machine is broken. Again." I ignored them all. Finally, one parrot, its feathers matted with something dark and wet, preened itself and spoke in a chillingly clear voice. "There’s no signal in this park. And the man you're talking to? He's not alive." I wanted to reach out and clamp its beak shut. Way to be a buzzkill, you feathered menace. Shanyuan was my only lifeline in this godforsaken place. I stopped in my tracks and spun to face the bird, my voice ringing with indignation. "You take that back! Don't you dare try to drive a wedge between us! Everyone in my chat, all my viewers... they're my family! They're the only reason I'm still going!" The parrot just stared at me. "..." Then it spat. "Ptooey. Simp." 【LMAOOOO a parrot trying to stir up drama】 【omg that trust... i'm crying chloe we love you】 【I've been a sub for three years, I knew I picked the right streamer!】 【Fake fan alert, she's only been streaming for two years.】 The warmth in the chat settled my frayed nerves. I turned my back on the squawking parrot and pushed onward. 4 The last vestiges of sunset vanished. The sky was now a deep, starless black. Ghostly lamps flickered to life along the path, their light as pale and weak as foxfire. "The park is officially closed," Shanyuan announced. "The paths will grow longer from here on out." His apprentice popped back on screen. "Care for a reading? A little divination to see what the road ahead holds?" I stared at the yawning, black entrance to the Tiger Territory. My heart hammered against my ribs. Gritting my teeth, I sent another five-hundred-dollar tip. Shanyuan produced a turtle shell and a handful of old coins. He shook them, the rattle echoing from my phone's speaker, and cast them onto a silk cloth. He studied the pattern. "Do not buy anything from the groundskeeper. Your currencies are not compatible." I switched on my phone's flashlight, cutting a weak beam into the oppressive darkness. A figure stood silhouetted at the entrance to the tiger enclosure. 【That must be the groundskeeper he mentioned.】 【NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. TURN BACK!】 My legs refused to move. "Demons and ghouls, get thee hence! By bell, book, and candle, I command thee!" I mumbled a panicked, half-remembered exorcism and took two shaky steps forward. The shadow glided toward me. A terrifying, mutual advance. My knees were knocking together so hard I was surprised I was still standing. The figure stopped right in front of me. "Just gonna, uh, pixelate this for you guys at home," I whispered, my voice trembling. "Don't want to give anyone nightmares." 【I'm crying, she's still thinking of us.】 【What a sweetheart.】 I censored the feed and looked up. The groundskeeper's face was bloodless, a stiff, waxen mask. He offered a smile so wide it looked like it had cracked the corners of his mouth. In one hand, he held a dripping, freshly killed chicken. "Buy a chicken for the tigers? Only twenty bucks," he rasped. Shanyuan said not to buy anything. But he didn't say anything about getting it for free. Time to swallow my pride. "I'm a student," I said, my voice cracking convincingly. "Can you spot me?" The groundskeeper blinked. "?" I leaned into it. "My family's dirt poor. I've got my eighty-year-old grandma and my three-year-old brother to support. Please, sir, just give it to me." His words came out in a halting, confused stutter. "How... how big is the age gap between your mother and your brother?" Tears started welling in my eyes. "It's a long story. My mom's not my real mom, and my brother's not my real brother..." The floodgates opened. I wept with the force of a Greek tragedy. "Okay, okay! Just take it!" the groundskeeper groaned, shoving the chicken into my hands. He turned and shuffled away, his shoulders slumped in defeat. 【Our girl has at least a decade of scamming experience.】 【LMAO who scams a GHOST?】 【Poor groundskeeper never stood a chance.】 I let out a shaky breath and walked on, clutching my ill-gotten chicken. 5 Three tigers paced in the enclosure, so starved they were little more than striped skeletons. But I only had one chicken. I stood at the entrance, stumped. "Okay, chat," I said into my phone. "Three tigers, one chicken. Give me your best high-EQ solutions." The chat exploded with suggestions. 【Whisper in their ear: 'I'm a high-EQ individual, let me have this one.'】 【Tell them they have spinach in their teeth.】 【Just hang yourself at the gate to assert dominance.】 【Kneel and beg the tigers not to embarrass you.】 After a minute of scrolling, I decided to go with the kindergarten teacher approach. I held the chicken aloft. "Alright, let's see which of my little tiger-wiger cubs is the goodest boy today!" All three skeletal tigers padded over, their eyes gleaming with a predatory light. "Okay, sit! Stand! Now, shake paws with the tiger next to you. Very good! You were the best listener, so you get the chicken!" I tossed the chicken over the fence. As I dusted off my hands, ready to make a clean getaway, a ferocious roar ripped through the air. 【SHIT, RUN! The other two are coming for you!】 【GO, CHLOE, GO!】 I glanced over my shoulder. The two starving tigers had burst out of the enclosure. They had torn the damn gate off its hinges and were carrying it on their backs, a clanging, terrifying battering ram chasing me down the path. This generation of tigers had zero chill. Absolutely no respect for the rules. Thankfully, they were weak from hunger and couldn't run very fast. "Hey! You! The one with the chicken!" I yelled back at the enclosure. "A little help here!" The well-fed tiger trotted out and padded up beside me. "Down, boy," I commanded. It obeyed. I swung myself onto its back. "Alright, buddy. Let's lose these guys." 【NO WAY, did that just happen?!】 【She's a natural-born tiger whisperer.】 【Kindergarten Teacher strat for the win!】 6 I escaped the Tiger Territory, my heart still pounding. The next stop was the Peacock Garden. Shanyuan's apprentice reappeared. "Another reading, vlogger? Second one's half price." "If I only get one, I save two-hundred-and-fifty bucks," I shot back. "Sorry, no can do," he said smugly. "This area has two rules." My chat could see the despair on my face. 【Looks like she has no choice but to pay up.】 I was going to cry. This was the first time I'd ever paid a streamer during a collab. With a heavy heart, I sent another seven hundred and fifty. Shanyuan began the reading. "First rule: do not look at a peacock when its tail is fanned." "What happens if I do?" I asked, dreading the answer. "...You become part of the display." He cleared his throat. "Second rule: do not accept a peacock's mating proposal." "Huh?" Who in their right mind would do that? 【LMAO do not accept a peacock's mating proposal】 【Is that a thing? Do people do that?】 I put my sunglasses back on and tried to stroll casually past the enclosure. A man stepped out, blocking my path. He was... stunning. Unnaturally so. Pale, luminous skin, piercing emerald eyes, a face that belonged on a magazine cover. 【Okay who is THIS? Say yes. Just say yes.】 【I take it back. I would accept.】 He flashed a smarmy, practiced smile. "The more I look at you, the more I hate you... for being so damn enchanting." 【Ew. So greasy.】 【Never mind, the ones who wanted to say yes have gone quiet.】 I stared at him blankly. "..." Oh. So this was the peacock. He leaned a hand against a wall, striking a pose. "The pickup lines might be stolen, but my love for you is real." I wished I had a bottle of dish soap to degrease him. Instead, I rummaged in my bag, found a packet of oil-blotting sheets, and tossed them at his face. He let out a high-pitched shriek and exploded into a flurry of feathers, transforming back into a giant peacock. "I don't believe it! No one can resist my charms!" he squawked, and then fanned his tail. It wasn't just feathers. The intricate patterns were eyes. Not patterns that looked like eyes. Actual, literal eyes. Hundreds of them, each one winking, throwing me a flirtatious, sickening glance. My stomach churned. I whipped out my phone and blasted him with the flashlight. "Hey! Have you no decency?!" he screeched, scrambling away. "You can't just shine a bright light in a celebrity's eyes!" 7 I made it out of the Peacock Garden, feeling thoroughly violated. The next area was the Elephant Enclosure. I was exhausted. This was not fun anymore. The apprentice's voice piped up, sounding bored. "I'm tired of the script. Let's cut to the chase. Buy two prophecies, get one free." A pit formed in my stomach. Why were the rules multiplying? 【LMAO the look on her face is priceless】 【Tipping one dollar to help our girl get through this.】 【I'll match that and raise you another dollar.】 So tired. When I get out of here, I'm becoming a paranormal streamer. The money's insane. I sent another thousand dollars into the digital ether. Shanyuan began. "One: There is only one zookeeper. Two: Of the two paths out, take the one heading south. Three: I have miscalculated one of my prophecies." "Excuse me?" My brain felt like it was short-circuiting. 【my head hurts, am i growing a brain?】 【crowdfunding brain cells, i don't get the rules either.】 "Can I get a refund on the miscalculated prophecy?" I asked. The apprentice sniffed. "All sales are final, ma'am." "Then I'll call my credit card company and issue a chargeback." "These are virtual goods, dear," he said, his voice dripping with condescension. "Once rendered, they are non-refundable." I played my last card. "My little brother used my phone. He's a minor." 【IS THAT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE THE MINOR REFUND EXCUSE LMAO】 【Fighting fire with fire, I respect it.】 Shanyuan was silent. The apprentice, through gritted teeth, said, "Fine. Refund issued." A notification popped up on my screen. 【Refund Successful. Product: "I have miscalculated one of my prophecies."】 Sneaky. So very sneaky. That was the wrong prophecy. The lie was the prophecy itself. I immediately sent the money back. 【I'm returning the freebie instead.】 【Class act. A truly honest streamer.】 With my path clear, I headed south. Halfway there, the zookeeper appeared. A ring of keys hung from his belt, and he carried a bunch of bananas. His skin had a sickly green-blue tint. "This path is under maintenance," he droned, his voice hollow. "Please head east." I ignored him and kept walking. Blood began to seep from the corners of his mouth. A low gurgle started in his throat. "WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?! WHY!" I stopped, spun on my heel, and walked back, offering a polite bow. "You're so right, my apologies. I'll listen to you. Whatever you say." He looked pleased. Humming a tuneless melody, he continued his patrol, swinging his keys. 【Team Coward gets a major win!】 【That's not cowardice, that's high EQ.】 The blood-leaking thing was way too terrifying. I wasn't about to get murdered on the spot. In the Elephant Enclosure, I saw another zookeeper. This one was feeding an elephant, happily singing. "Oh, Mr. Elephant, Mr. Elephant, why is your trunk so very long?" The tune was oddly familiar. As I passed, he looked up at me, his eyes surprisingly clear. "Hey, miss," he said. "Do you like green peppers?" I shook my head. "Hate 'em." His face lit up. "Me too!" 【he looks so familiar... lmao】 【i know exactly who you're thinking of】 8 We chatted for a while, completely ignoring the giant elephant beside us. "Well, I should get going," I finally said. He dusted himself off. "I'll see you out." "I wanted to take the south path." He looked troubled. "The south path is a no-go. There's a guy watching it." "Tell him to stop watching it." "He's really scary," he mumbled. "I don't dare." We stood there in awkward silence. I pulled out my phone again. "Master Shanyuan, any ideas?" The apprentice rolled his eyes. "You got a refund. You're on our block list." Shanyuan sighed. "Check my shopping cart link." I scrolled through the online store for what felt like an eternity before grimly selecting the cheapest Immobilization Talisman. I marched back toward the south path. The blood-leaking zookeeper snarled. "You dare return?" I held up my phone, the glowing talisman displayed on screen. "Red light, green light, one, two, three!" He froze solid. But the second I lowered my phone, his face contorted in rage and he lunged. I had no choice. I held the phone high above my head, screen facing him, and began walking backward, one painstaking step at a time, out of the enclosure. Once I was through the gate, I dropped my arm. He charged. CLANG! I slammed the gate shut. His momentum carried him forward, and he ended up comically embedded in the chain-link fence, struggling like a fish in a net. "Maybe you'll think twice before scaring people," I muttered, turning away.
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