My childhood sweetheart kept getting set up on blind dates when he came home for the holidays. My mom glanced at me and sighed with regret: "It's just that you aren't excellent enough to climb that high." "I really wanted him to be our son-in-law." I cracked sunflower seeds and replied smoothly: "Yeah, I'm a toad lusting after swan meat." But my mom was dreaming. I had been in a secret relationship with him for three years. The day I threatened him with a breakup to force him to go public. He smiled and agreed effortlessly: "I do have better options than you." "But can you find someone better than me?" 1 Hearing my self-deprecating answer. My mom glared at me fiercely. Her eyes were full of "wishing iron could turn into steel." Just as she was about to nag me, Auntie Linda called to invite us to dinner. My mom insisted on dragging me along. So I inevitably ran into Caleb Sterling. At the dinner table, Caleb sat next to me. He quietly pushed the Kung Pao Chicken I liked in front of me. But my chopsticks bypassed the Kung Pao Chicken. And picked up a piece of string bean, which I hated. He raised an eyebrow slightly and silently twitched the corner of his mouth. On the side, my mom and Auntie Linda seized the opportunity to chat enthusiastically. This afternoon, Auntie Linda brought a friend and her niece over for a visit. It was called a visit, but it was really taking advantage of Caleb's time at home. Bringing her niece over for a blind date. Caleb had only been back for half a month for the holidays. His doorstep was almost worn flat by various relatives and neighbors. In previous years, Caleb hated dealing with these things the most. He would always find an excuse to dodge them. But this year, he rarely cooperated. 2 My mom started probing about the blind date girl's conditions. Auntie Linda counted on her fingers: "Master's degree from UCLA, working as a lawyer in San Francisco, parents are both university professors." My mom took Auntie Linda's phone to examine the photo. "This girl is quite pretty! Good education, good job, good family background, what's there to pick?" Auntie Linda covered her mouth and laughed: "Every girl introduced to him has good conditions; I'm dazzled." My mom pushed her jealously: "You're so lucky! Caleb is so excellent, naturally, the ones introduced to him won't be bad!" My mom turned to gossip and asked Caleb: "Caleb, what do you think of the girl today?" I lowered my head and focused on shoveling rice into my mouth. Silent throughout. "Sienna." Caleb suddenly called me. I looked up at him. He asked me with a half-smile: "What do you think?" 3 Hearing this, Auntie Linda quickly handed the phone to me. "Right right right, Sienna, you know Caleb best, help him advise." I took the phone stiffly. In the photo, the girl had long hair draped over her shoulders, wearing a graduation gown from a prestigious foreign university. Holding a bouquet of flowers, smiling brilliantly at the camera. The confidence and elegance soaked in that privileged life. Are things I can hardly reach in this lifetime. I looked up and met Caleb's playful gaze. The scene of the breakup that day floated in my mind again. At that time, he rubbed his brows, faintly impatient: "Is going public really that important?" "Is dating for show?" I also couldn't control my emotions anymore: "I am your girlfriend, not your mistress!" "Can you stop being unreasonable? Besides you, have I had anyone else?" Together for three years, he wouldn't use matching avatars with me. Introductions to outsiders only placed me as a neighbor. I used to think he was considerate of the familiarity between the two families and wanted to wait until the relationship stabilized. But year after year, I could no longer deceive myself. He never intended for me to be seen in the light from the start. Arguing to the extreme, I was exhausted. The word "breakup" just blurted out. He froze, then smiled carelessly: "Fine, let's break up." The next instant, his sharp and blunt words drilled into my ears without concealment: "I do have better options than you." "But can you find someone better than me?" At that time, I was stunned, crying and talking tough to him: "Fine, go find one! Go find someone better than me!" Emotions were high then; there were things I didn't want to face. Now that I've recovered, I have to admit. He wasn't wrong. He, a top scorer in the college entrance exam, a PhD from MIT. Starting salary over a million upon graduation. While I, from a generic state college, am a tenured teacher. My annual salary doesn't even exceed his monthly salary. We were worlds apart to begin with. I couldn't even reach the threshold to be his blind date. Looking at him, my heart was surprisingly calm like never before. I even forced myself to squeeze out a smile: "Pretty good, a good match for you." "It's time for you to date." His eyes slowly turned cold. "Okay, I'll add her on WeChat later." 4 After the meal, I went to the restroom. When I came out and passed the hallway. I found Caleb leaning against his door, waiting for me leisurely. "Come in and chat." I ignored him, not stopping my steps outward. But my hand was suddenly grabbed by him, and in a flash, I was pulled into his bedroom. As soon as the door closed, I was caught off guard and pinned against the door by him. He lowered his head and pursed my earlobe, causing a shiver. Three years together, he knew every inch of me. When flirting, he could easily make me surrender. He held a smile, voice slightly husky: "Really let me add her WeChat? Can you bear it?" I raised my hand to push his chest: "Add if you want, what does it have to do with me, a neighbor?" He smiled without speaking, easily catching my wrist. Undeniably holding the phone in front of my eyes, forcing me to see the screen clearly. On it was the friend request from that girl just now. He pinched my index finger and placed it on the phone screen, probing condescendingly: "Reject or approve, the choice is yours." This was the olive branch he handed me. He was waiting for me to take the initiative to signal a request for reconciliation. Just like countless tantrums before. His patience was always meager. After coaxing once or twice, if I still refused to step down. He wouldn't coax anymore. Caleb was always so at ease. In this relationship, he always sat firmly on the high platform. I frowned, finger touching the cold screen. Didn't think for a moment. I directly pressed the "Approve" button. Caleb's face turned black in an instant. 5 Caleb and I were schoolmates from elementary to high school. In junior high, I developed feelings for him. I buried them in my heart, afraid to be known. I watched him become more handsome day by day. Watched his report card become more and more beautiful. Watched the endless stream of girls who liked him. Inferiority became a compulsory course in my adolescence. But for ten years, he waited downstairs at my house every day to go to school together. I deliberately procrastinated and sat on the back seat of his bike late. Taking the exclusive breakfast he brought me. I tugged at the hem of his shirt, letting him carry me forward against the wind. The teenager occasionally looked back halfway to scare me: "Next time you're this slow, I won't wait for you." But next time he would still wait for me. He didn't know I dawdled. Just because I wanted to sit on his bike. I knew he wouldn't carry me forever. My teenager was in his prime. Someday, there would be another girl on the back seat of his bike. At that time, I didn't dare hope he would like me. But later, we stumbled into a relationship by mistake. 6 The summer of his second year of grad school. We were watching a movie in his living room. Clearly a suspense film. But suddenly a passionate kissing scene appeared. I awkwardly turned it off with the remote. He turned his eyes to look at me, deliberately teasing: "Your mom doesn't let you watch R-rated stuff?" I dodged his frank eyes: "Can watch... but watching with you..." He raised an eyebrow: "Then who do you want to watch with?" "With my future boyfriend..." He paused for two seconds, suddenly leaned over. A warmth covered my lips. All words were sealed by his sudden kiss. I opened my eyes, ignorantly kissed by him for a while. He pulled away, cleared his throat, and turned the movie back on. "In the future, you can only watch with me." I still remember that sentence. That was the beginning for him and me. Since then, we entangled for three years. Sweetness and pain intertwined. But the pain had long exceeded the sweetness. I once thought that having obtained it, there would be no regrets. But trying my best to embrace, I only embraced a chest full of loneliness. Did I ever truly possess it?
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