I married a "deaf" man. Every message I sent was like a stone sinking into the sea. Every meal I cooked ended up in the trash can. Last winter, my car broke down in the suburbs. In the freezing night of -4°F, I sent him over a dozen voice messages. My fingers were purple from cold, my throat hoarse from shouting, but there was no response. Finally, a passing truck driver helped me tow the car. That late night he came home, saw me shivering wrapped in a blanket, and just said faintly: "Don't message me so late next time, I was in a meeting." My father had a sudden Heart Attack, I was crying calling 911 while dialing his number non-stop. Twenty-seven missed calls, like twenty-seven slaps in the face. Until a month later, Julian Vance finally called back: "Phone was on silent. By the way, where did you put my blue tie?" Chapter 1 My hand holding the phone was trembling, father was still in ICU under observation, but Julian asked about that blue tie. "In the leftmost grid of the closet." My voice trembled. "Looked, not there." His tone revealed habitual impatience, "You come back a trip." Rain was falling outside the window, I glanced at my father covered in tubes in the monitoring room. Mother patted me with red eyes: "Go, I am here." I gripped the steering wheel, remembering our wedding day, when Julian put the ring on me, his phone vibrated in his pocket, he took it out and looked at it in front of a hall full of guests. The emcee smoothed things over, he said: "What if there is an urgent matter?" That blue tie was bought with my first month's salary for him. When he first tied it on, he kissed me, said he would cherish it forever. At that time his phone was on silent, only ringing for me alone. Pushing open the long-lost home door, the living room filled with unfamiliar perfume smell. Julian's suit jacket casually draped on the sofa, next to a small lady's handbag. Bedroom door ajar, woman's delicate laughter came: "When will she come back?" "Who cares about her." It was his voice, carrying indulgence I had never heard. I pushed open the door. Sheets messy, my pillow fell on the floor. He and a young woman snuggled together, that blue tie was tied to the bedhead, tethering a plush toy. Air solidified. The woman reacted first, grabbed clothes to cover her body, but no panic on her face. She was beautiful, that kind of carefully watered beauty. "Who are you?" She raised her chin asking. I looked at my husband. He frowned, not guilt, but displeasure of being disturbed. "Found the tie?" I asked calmly. Woman sneered, turned to him: "This is that Live-in Maid of yours?" Julian didn't deny, just said: "You shouldn't have come in directly." Shouldn't come in. Shouldn't disturb his affair when my father is critically ill. Shouldn't in this bedroom I stayed up late to decorate, bump into him using the tie I sent to tie a toy sent by others. Woman got out of bed, walked straight to me. She was taller than me, perfume smell choking. "Listen," her red lips moved, "He loves me now. You better be sensible, roll out yourself." I looked at him. He sat on the edge of the bed, head down lighting a cigarette, as if this was just an irrelevant interlude. "Did you hear?" Woman pushed my shoulder. I still looked at my husband, looked at this person I waited for in the wilderness of -4°F, this person who cared where the tie was when my father was dying. "This tie," I said, "I bought it." Woman was enraged, maybe by my calmness, maybe by my attitude of ignoring her. She raised her hand, fiercely slapped my face. Burning pain exploded. I stumbled a step, held the door frame. "Enough!" Julian finally stood up, but walked to her side, put his arm around her shoulder, "Why did you hit her?" This sentence hurt more than that slap. Twenty-seven missed calls didn't hurt like this, waiting in ice and snow didn't hurt like this, father's monitor ticking sound didn't hurt like this. I looked at his gesture of protecting her, looked at that woman proudly leaning in his arms. "Dad's heart stopped once this morning." I said softly. He stunned a bit, brows frowned deeper: "Is it appropriate to say this now?" I bent down, picked up my pillow on the floor, patted off dust. Then walked over, untied that defiled blue tie. Silk ice cold, still remaining unfamiliar perfume smell. "Appropriate." I folded the tie neatly, put on bedside table, "I came, just for this." Turning around, I heard woman whispered: "Crazy." Chapter 2 I stopped steps, back to them, voice very light: "Julian Vance, do you still love me?" Air stagnated few seconds, I heard lighter opening closing sound. "Love." He spat out a word, so matter of course, yet so absent-minded. I slowly turned around, looking at him. He leaned by window, in smoke curling, expression blurred. "Just," he paused, like stating a simplest fact, "I love Tiffani more." He called so intimately. That woman named Tiffani snuggled into his arms, mouth corner hooked victory arc. "But I don't want divorce." Julian added, tone calm like discussing weather, "Isn't it good like this? You are still Mrs. Vance, she will understand." Tiffani coquettishly punched his chest, but didn't refute, just looked at me with that kind of pity and provocative eyes. I fell silent. Rain outside window heavier, densely beating glass, like countless fine needles stabbing heart. Father's pale face in ICU, frozen fingers in snowy night, and those twenty-seven unanswered call tones, at this moment wove into a cold net, tightly entangled me. Julian seemed to misunderstand my silence as some kind of acquiescence, tone even eased a bit: "I know you paid a lot for this family these years, I am also used to having you. We can maintain status quo, you need Mrs. Vance identity, I need you manage this home, take care of my daily life. Tiffani she is rather willful, can't do these." Tiffani hummed lightly, with a bit acting spoiled meaning: "People don't want to learn those." I raised eyes, swept their faces one by one. Julian's matter-of-course calmness, Tiffani's unconcealed pride. This bedroom, this home, was once place I poured countless effort and love, at this moment filled with disgusting hypocrisy and betrayal. "Julian," my voice dry, but unusually clear, "Do you remember when married, what you said to my father?" He slightly stunned, brows habitually frowned, seemed recalling a distant and unimportant small matter. "You said, you would take care of me, not let me suffer grievance." I said it for him, voice very light, "Now, do you feel I haven't suffered grievance?" Tiffani impatiently curled lip: "Is it interesting to say these old stories? Julian loves me, what use you holding an empty title?" I ignored her, just looked at Julian: "So, your so-called love, is letting me live like a shadow between you and her, handle miscellaneous things for you, watch your affection?" Julian put out cigarette, tone brought his habitual impatience: "Then what do you want? Divorce? Your father still in hospital, you need Vance family resources and connections. Leaving me, how do you deal with following things? Be realistic." Chapter 3 I looked at him, suddenly laughed. "So you are sure I dare not divorce, can't leave?" Tiffani rolled eyes, voice delicate but with thorns: "Otherwise? You leave Julian, who else can you rely on? Your half-dead dad?" Julian didn't stop her, instead like found stronger argument, tone even carried a trace of earnestness for my sake: "I know you are angry. But making trouble, no good for anyone." I took deep breath, that unfamiliar perfume smell in air made my stomach churn. "Julian, do you think, I will always stand in place waiting for you? Like an old furniture, you use smoothly, even covered in dust, reluctant to throw, but absolutely won't look twice?" He frowned, seemed my ungratefulness finally exhausted his last patience: "What exactly do you want to say?" "I want to say," I word by word, clearly, "Your resources, your connections, your charitable Mrs. Vance title, I don't rare anymore." Tiffani like heard sky big joke, exaggeratedly Ha-ed once, snuggled tighter: "Julian, listen, is she crazy with anger?" I ignored her, continue looking at Julian: "From today, we bridge return bridge, road return road. Divorce agreement, I will let lawyer send to you." Finished, I turned and left, not looking at them once. Pillow I don't want, this home, I also don't want. "Stop!" Julian's voice came with anger, "Sarah, don't give face not want face! You think divorce is so easy? How to divide property? Who pays your dad's medical bills? Think clear consequences!" I didn't stop, walked straight to door. Behind came Tiffani's sharp instigation: "Julian, look at her attitude! Really ungrateful! Divorce then divorce, scare who! Without you, what thing is she!" And Julian's suppressed anger voice: "Sarah, you will regret! Without me, you and your dad, are nothing!" I opened door, cold air surged in, carrying freshness of rain water, flushed away suffocating filth behind. I didn't turn back, just faintly, didn't know if they could hear, said a sentence: "At least, I can still be a human." I went straight back to hospital. Mother saw me back, hurriedly stood up: "Found tie? Where is Julian?" I gently held her hand, that rough palm made my eye sockets sour. "Mom, later we rely on ourselves." Mother stunned, eventually asked nothing, just held my hand tighter. Third day afternoon, I was getting water in water room, a familiar and ear-piercing voice sounded behind. "Yo, really a filial daughter, guarding here." Tiffani wearing a set of expensive suit, carrying limited edition handbag, stood there toe high spirit high. Her gaze swept thermal bottle in my hand, full of contempt. "Look at your look, gray head dirt face, no wonder Julian doesn't want you. He said, seeing your face loses appetite." I tightened bottle cap, didn't want argue with her outside father's ward, turned want go. She however stepped blocking me, lowered voice, tone vicious: "Your dad lying here half dead, is it you angered? Upper beam not straight lower beam crooked, is it your dad also like you, not know measure, then ended up like this?" "Tiffani!" I fiercely clenched fist, "You shut up! Here not welcome you, get out!" "Should get out is you!" She sneered, voice raised again, "Dead skin rely on Mrs. Vance position, also not look if you worthy! Julian said, wait your dad closes eyes, sweep you out door." I angry trembling all over, pushed away her blocking arm: "You get out!" Just moment my finger touched her arm, Tiffani eyes flashed a trace plot succeeded slyness, she followed momentum stumbled back few steps, high heels happened to twist, emitted an exaggerated scream, heavily fell sitting on cold ground. "Ah! Sarah sister, why you push me?!" She instantly changed face, eye rims red, tears came just come, a look of about to weep, weak helpless. Almost simultaneously, corridor end came hurried footsteps. "Tiffani!" Julian strode over, face obvious anxiety. He didn't even look at me, straight rushed to Tiffani side, carefully supported her up, tone was tension I never heard: "Fell where? Pain or not?" Tiffani snuggled in his arms, sobbing, adding oil and vinegar: "Julian, I good heart come see Uncle, Sarah sister she indiscriminately scolded me, also moved hand pushed me, my foot so painful." Julian raised head, gaze filled with disgust and anger. "Sarah! How you became so vicious? Tiffani is good intention, you actually moved hand on her! If she hurt anywhere, I absolutely won't spare you!" "Julian," my voice surprisingly calm, carrying a numbness after complete despair, "Are your eyes and your ears same, just decorations?" He stunned a bit, seemed didn't expect I would have this reaction. I no longer looked at him, nor looked that woman proudly sobbing in his arms, bent down lifted thermal bottle on ground. "Here is hospital, need quiet." I turned around, facing ward direction, back to them, word by word clearly said, "Want act, roll back to your bed act." Finished, I straightened spine, step by step walked to father's ward, no longer cared any voice behind. I knew, from this moment, I and past, completely severed. Chapter 4 Father's condition temporarily stabilized, but still not out of danger. Mother's strong held spirit visibly withered, bloodshot eyes and sudden white hair on temples made my heart knife twisted. This afternoon, I was softly comforting mother awakened by nightmare, ward door was gently knocked. I looked up, unexpectedly saw a familiar figure. Jonah carrying a fruit basket and a thermal bucket of soup, standing at door, smile gentle: "Auntie, Sarah." "Jonah?" Mother somewhat surprised, immediately showed first sincere smile these days, "Why you came?" "Heard about Uncle's matter, come look." Jonah walked in, put things on bedside table, very naturally looked at me, "Also see how you guys are." He and I are Childhood Sweethearts grew up together neighbors, later his family moved, contact gradually less. But that friendship still there, especially in this difficult moment, his appearance like a wisp warm wind. "I boiled some chicken soup, Auntie you drink some, supplement spirit." Jonah opened thermal bucket, rich aroma diffused. He carefully served soup for my mother, also asked my father's condition, concern in tone sincere and fitting. Mother held his hand said many words, spirit looked much better. I stood aside, watching Jonah patiently listening look, tight heart strings for many days, also slightly relaxed a bit. Later mother tired, deep slept. Me and Jonah light hand light foot walked to bench in corridor outside ward sat down. "Hard for you, Sarah." He looked at me, eyes carrying heartache, "Face so bad." I shook head, wanted squeeze a smile, but somewhat powerless: "Okay, can hold on." "Have anything, must tell me." Jonah tone solemn, "Don't hard carry alone. Childhood you bullied by people, all found me help you beat back." Thinking of childhood fun things, my face finally had a trace real warmth: "That time you fought very fierce." "Now same." He smiled, immediately serious said, "Dealing with bastard, reason useless time, have to use some other methods." I knew he meant something, heart astringent. Just wanted say something, a bone piercing cold gaze shot from other end of corridor. I subconsciously turned head, saw Julian. He didn't know came how long, standing there, face gloomy like sky before storm. He hand also carried a fruit basket, probably doing show, didn't expect bump into this scene. His gaze dead locked on me and Jonah. He strode over. "Who is he?" Chapter 5 Julian's voice pressed very low, carrying dangerous breath of mountain rain coming. I haven't had time open mouth, Jonah already stood up. He figure tall straight, not inferior to Julian, at this moment gentle smile on face faded, replaced by a kind steady, not retreating calmness. He stepped forward, trace less blocked me behind him half body position. This protective posture, natural and firm. "Mr. Vance, pleasure." Jonah opened mouth, tone alienated and polite, "I am Sarah's friend, Jonah Hill." Julian sneered, gaze crossed him, still dead staring me, sarcasm in words almost overflowed, "Sarah, I actually didn't know, when you had such a considerate friend? In place like hospital, can also chat so happy?" He deliberately emphasized considerate and happy two words, as if I did something unforgivable. A chill rushed up from bottom of heart. He can mess with other woman on our wedding bed, can care about his tie when my father critically ill, can indulge his lover come hospital humiliate me, slander me, now, actually because my normal conversation with old friend, put on a pose of catching adultery asking crime? Absurd making people cold heart. I just about refute, Jonah however step ahead me open mouth, his voice still steady, but carrying unquestionable power: "Mr. Vance, please mind your words, also please recognize your current identity." He paused, clearly spat out following words, "A person about to become ex-husband, seems no position and qualification, to question Sarah's friend situation." Julian's face instantly became ugly to extreme. "Matter between me and her, not turn you an outsider interrupt!" Julian tone grim, stepped forward, seemed want bypass Jonah to grab my arm. Jonah movement faster, he didn't have intense physical conflict, just again slightly sideways, blocked me completely behind, used own body separated Julian approaching oppression. "Person absent when she needed husband, no qualification call self insider." Jonah's voice cold down, "As for now, under circumstance Sarah clearly expressed not welcome you, I as her friend, have responsibility ask Mr. Vance leave, don't disturb patient rest, also don't come harass her again." Julian like heard some joke, but anger in eyes almost spray out, he dead stared me behind Jonah, "Sarah, you just watch like this? Find a wild man give you backing? Grow ability!" Wild man. These three words too ugly. I slowly walked out from behind Jonah, met Julian that pair eyes twisted by jealousy and anger. "Julian," my voice not loud, but unusually clear, echoing in corridor, "When you and Tiffani lay on our bed, when you let her come hospital insult me, push me, curse my father, you already personally tore up all qualifications as husband." I watched his suddenly changing face, continued word by word, "Now, here, Jonah is my friend, is guest coming to visit my parents." I took deep breath, said final decision: "And you are that unwelcome outsider." "Please leave." Julian froze in place. He fiercely glared us once, especially gaze like knife scraped over Jonah, then fiercely turned, heavily smashed fruit basket in hand beside trash can, head not back strode away. Footsteps disappeared at corridor end, depressed atmosphere dissipated. Jonah turned, worried looking at me: "Okay right?" I shook head, body somewhat weak, but heart had a kind unprecedented ease, as if unloaded thousand pounds burden. "Okay," I even smiled to him, "Thank you, Jonah." He looked at me, eyes gentle and firm: "Later, have me." "Drink some water." Jonah didn't know where got a bottle opened mineral water, handed front me. I took over, small sips drank, slightly cool water slid dry throat, slightly smoothed inner waves. "He always like this?" Jonah voice very light, carrying restraint, "That unreasonable." I pulled mouth corner, wanted laugh, but felt incomparable bitter. "Before just ignore, like treating air. Now probably feel, even things he don't want, should cover dust in place, not picked up by others." "You are not thing, Sarah." Jonah tone unusually serious, he looked at me, gaze focused and earnest, "You are Sarah, is that Sarah childhood would climb tree help me pick kite, would argue with me face red ears red for a math problem, would secretly share breakfast to stray cat. You never are anyone's accessory." His words like a warm current, quietly soaked my dry cracked heart field. We sat side by side on bench, outside window sky color gradually dark, city lights lit up one after another. Silent for moment, I turned head, looked at his distinct outline side face. I took deep breath, mustered courage, softly asked that question hovering in heart long time: "Jonah, do you like me?" Moment asked out, my heart missed a beat, somewhat nervous, also somewhat relieved. Jonah seemed not surprised my straight ball. He slowly turned head, deep eyes under light appeared exceptionally bright, inside no slight dodge, only a piece magnanimous and gentle sincerity. "Yes." He answered without hesitation, voice deep and clear, like a stone thrown into my heart lake, rippling layer layer ripples. Although had premonition, personally hearing this answer, my heart still fierce trembled. He looked at my slightly widened eyes, continued slowly said: "Not sudden impulse. Maybe earlier than I realized myself. Maybe was childhood when you took that hit for me, maybe was later moving, you secretly cried red eyes but still smiling said goodbye to me, just that time, we were too small, later missed again." His words carried traces of time and faint regret. "I know now not best timing." He tone became solemn, body slightly turned to me, forming a focused posture, "You just experienced these, Uncle still in ward, you need time and space to process, to heal. I don't wish give you any pressure, more don't want take advantage of emptiness." He paused, eyes carrying a kind careful earnestness, but also full of unquestionable firmness: "But Sarah, can I request you, give me a chance?" "Give me a chance stand by your side, as a suitor identity, re-know you, take care you, accompany you. Let me prove, you and Uncle not isolated helpless, you worth being cherished, being treated well." His words simple unadorned, no flowery promises, but every word knocked on softest place in my heart. I didn't answer immediately, just gently nodded, voice somewhat choked: "Okay." One word, light light, but seemed used my all strength at this moment, also carried some expectation for future. "Thank you." He said, voice carrying relieved warmth, "I will work hard, not let you regret giving me this chance." This time, ward came mother slight cough sound. I immediately stood up, Jonah also followed stand up. "Quick go in see Auntie." He soft voice said, "I come again tomorrow. Have anything, call me anytime." Back to ward, mother already woke up, looking out window. She turned head, looking at me, eyes gentle and complex, gently sighed: "Sarah, Jonah is a good child, just, you have to think clear." I walked to bed side, held mother's hand, feeling that familiar, callus covered warmth. "Mom, I know." I soft voice said, heart was unprecedented clear, "I just want give myself a possibility to start over."
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