Just like Nana always cursed, I was finally gone. Yet, late that night, she opened my journal, whispering into the dark. "Harper... you should come back as a boy next time. Just be a boy. Girls are born to suffer these things." "Boys have it good." 1 My body was found the next morning. The scene was packed with onlookers. Nana, on her early morning grocery run, stopped at the edge of the crowd to gossip. When she heard a young girl had passed away, she shook her head. "Weak. If the girl in my house dared to jump, I’d break her legs myself." I watched her walk away, muttering under her breath. "Waste of money feeding them all those years. Just for nothing." "Early morning too. Couldn't she have done it somewhere else?" A little later, I saw Nana coming back. She had the freshest bacon, the best eggs, and a box of glazed donuts—Mason’s favorite. I didn't need to count. I knew there were exactly eight inside. None for Pop-Pop. None for Nana. None for me. All for Mason. I followed Nana home. Usually, she heads straight for the kitchen, but today she stomped toward my room. "Just because it's the SATs today doesn't mean you get to sleep in! If you don't want to go to college, get out and flip burgers!" She shoved the door open and slapped the light switch. The bed was empty. The sheets were thrown back. She started cursing again. "Damn kid left without saying a word. No manners." Yeah. I was the damn kid. And I was gone. Only my wandering soul was left to watch them. The family found out I was gone during breakfast. A neighbor recognized me and brought the cops to the door. I watched Nana panic, trying to explain. "You guys made a mistake. That brat has a test today, she left early." But when they saw the photos—my broken form, the face still recognizable—all three of them froze. Pop-Pop’s eyes bugged out. He turned on Nana, screaming. "Are you blind?! A whole person goes missing and you don't know?!" Nana, who never liked me, collapsed on the floor. She finally realized the "girl" she gossiped about was me. "How was I supposed to know she'd actually do it? How dare she? We spent so much money on her and she hasn't paid back a cent! How dare she jump?" Nana made a move to get up, raising a trembling hand as if to slap my body in the photo. The officer and Mason held her back. "We found a journal and a pen on the roof. Only her prints. Handwriting matches," the officer said. "This is an old building, no cameras. It looks like a fall from the seventh floor, but there are some scuff marks on the roof. We aren't ruling out foul play. Investigation is ongoing." My journal... I didn't want them to see it. But I couldn't stop them. Nana couldn't read well, but Mason and Pop-Pop were reading. Mason went silent, his eyes turning red. Pop-Pop read two pages and immediately raised his hand to hit Nana. "Why are you always telling her to go die?!" Nana didn't understand, dodging the blow while the cops tried to separate them. Pop-Pop was screaming, his old bones shaking as he tried to kick her. "Do you have no shame?! She was a child! You pushed her to this!" Nana was angry and confused. "What did she write? Mason, what did your sister write?" Mason didn't speak. He just kept turning the pages. Pop-Pop was an accountant. Nana barely finished middle school. She suffered from feeling inferior, so she never won an argument against him. But my notebook was full of words. How could she think it was only about her cursing me? I wrote about how she didn't love me. How everything good went to Mason. I had nothing. I wrote about her hitting me, screaming at me. I wrote about begging Pop-Pop for help, but he just looked annoyed that I woke him from his nap and slapped me for being loud. I wrote about how Mason already had everything, yet still fought me for scraps. Even a bag of chips—he’d take them to share with friends rather than leave me a single crumb. "Mason! What did she write? Is it all lies? Blaming everything on me? That wretched girl doesn't let us have peace even when she's gone! I should have strangled her at birth!" "Nana!" Mason's voice trembled. "I need to call Dad." Oh. I wrote about Dad and Mom too. But they divorced eight hundred years ago. Mom had a new family. Would she even come back? 2 Dad came back first. He hadn’t smoked in years, but he sat there in silence, staring at the journal, chain-smoking. Dad loved coming up with "business ideas." They always failed. Money was always tight. Pop-Pop was in the living room cursing out Nana. Nana sat at the table mumbling to herself. Mason locked himself in his room. "She's gone, so she's gone! Why don't you just kill me too then?" Nana suddenly snapped back. "I'll beat the life out of you!" Pop-Pop grabbed his belt, but Dad stopped him. Dad frowned, looking exhausted. "Dad, Mom, stop it. You're tired. Just rest." "Tired? You know I'm tired? I've been a slave to this family for decades! I haven't had a day off since I married you! Now she's dead and you blame me? How is it my fault? You didn't raise her right!" Nana pushed Dad away, tears streaming down her face. "What good girl goes and jumps off a roof? Writing all this trash to curse me? I say good riddance! She deserved it!" "Mom!" Dad was always a mama's boy. I think that was the first time he ever yelled at her. Immediately, his face crumbled into a begging expression. "Mom, she didn't curse you." "Harper was my daughter. She's gone now. We pushed her until she broke. Mom... I don't have a daughter anymore." Dad buried his face in his hands and squatted down. The living room went quiet. I noticed for the first time how much gray was in Dad's hair. His back was bent. In my memory, he was always in a crisp suit, looking important, going to dinners, traveling everywhere. But they always told him I was bad. I remember the time guests came over. Nana told me to cook. I was going to listen. But I looked up and saw Mason, only a year younger than me, playing video games on the couch. I refused. So, she took all the books and trinkets in my room, shredded them, and burned them in a metal bin. We fought that day. She called me horrible names. I cried and fought back. I obviously lost. But after that, I never called her "Nana" again. She went to Dad. Said I was getting rebellious. That I was trying to fly away. When Dad talked to me privately, he liked to show me the scars on his hands from his "hard work." He’d say, "Harper, you aren't small anymore. Why can't you just let your brother win? Dad works so hard out there, it's not easy. When will you grow up?" I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his scars, crying, refusing to speak. I felt guilty. I was a burden. I was sorry for his pain. I thought I was too much. I wrote that in the diary too. I blamed myself for being immature. But I couldn't let go of the resentment, which made me feel even worse. Dad must have read that part just now. Nana wiped a tear. "Fine. I won't speak. But don't blame me. The cops said someone might have pushed her. It has nothing to do with me." She pushed herself up, her seventy-year-old body swaying. Pop-Pop muttered, "You're the one who didn't watch the door. You let her out." Nana wanted to argue, but Pop-Pop slammed the door and left. I wanted to check on Mason. I walked through his wall. He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed. His phone rang. It was Mom. Mason picked up. Her voice came through the speaker. "Sweetie, I'm just driving your little brother to school. What's up?" Mom's voice was so gentle. But she wasn't my mom anymore. She was Mason's mom. And that new little brother's mom. 3 "Mom... Harper is gone." I heard Mason's voice. He was choking up. But shouldn't he be happy? He could finally have everything. No more worrying about me taking a tiny corner of his world. But he looked sadder than I imagined. "Mom!" Mason's voice cracked, rising into a cry. "Harper is dead." Mom fainted. Her current husband picked up the phone to tell us. Turns out, Mom's best friend died of cancer two months ago. Mom was emotional. She hadn't recovered from that, and now she got the news about me. The stepdad scolded Mason for being insensitive. Mason just nodded, saying "sorry" over and over. I crouched beside him, a ghost in the room, crying. I was so bad. I was torturing Mom again. Back when Mom used to visit, she liked to tell me, "Birthing you took so much out of me. It hurt like hell. I was barely eighteen, and your dad didn't have a dime." "Harper, I carried you for nine months. You are a piece of my heart. How could I not love you?" I believed she loved me. I was sorry it hurt so much to have me. But every time she talked to me, after mentioning the hardships, she only talked about that new little brother. I knew he didn't eat fat on his meat. No onions. No eggs. No milk. I knew he wet the bed at eight. I knew he had a crush on a girl named Bella. I knew he liked to sleep next to Mom. She told me all of it. I had never met him. Mom didn't really like talking to me because I was boring. I just listened silently. I never knew what to say. She loved chatting with Mason. Everyone said Mason had a sweet mouth. By the time Mom arrived, my body had been prepped. She leaned over the viewing table, crying without sound. It hurt to watch. Dad tried to support her. She slapped his hand away. "Why did she jump?! How were you taking care of her? Why? Why did she do it?" Mom was gasping for air, her words broken. Nana started to speak. Pop-Pop cut in, his voice cold. "You're the mother, and you blame us? She wrote that you didn't like her. Said you only loved your son. That you didn't want her. She couldn't take it, so she jumped." Mom froze. Her mind seemed to shatter. She stumbled backward. "She... she said that about me?" Her beautiful face was streaked with mascara. I didn't! I rushed forward, trying to explain. I just wrote that Mom loves the little brother so much. I wished Mom loved me like that. I wished she talked about me like that. Pop-Pop lied. Mom collapsed to the floor, wailing. I tried desperately to lift her, but my hands passed through her shoulders. Thankfully, Mason and Dad caught her. Mom hugged Mason and screamed, pounding her chest. I was awful. Mom was going to blame herself forever. Losing a best friend, then a daughter. I couldn't imagine how broken she was. The crematorium was burning my body. I went back home. I tried again and again to burn that diary, but I couldn't touch it! Wind blew through the open window, flipping the pages. It landed on an entry: "It's great. Dad bought a condo. Three bedrooms. Pop-Pop said to put Mason's name on the deed so he can get a wife later." "I didn't dare ask if there was a room for me. They never looked at me when they talked about it." "But that's okay. Dad worked hard for it. I'll save money and buy my own house one day." 4 I didn't have a funeral. Pop-Pop said my death wasn't honorable. Guests would laugh. A lot of people in the complex were already moving out, selling their units. Mom didn't stay at the house. She got a hotel nearby. Dad offered her my room. But my room was a converted storage closet. No windows. Just stacks of dried beans in the corner. Small and messy. I was glad Mom didn't stay there. That night, I sat in the living room, staring at the notebook, willing it to rot. The house was silent. Around midnight, I heard a noise from the grandparents' room. Nana, holding the wall for support, walked out in the dark. She picked up the diary from the table, went into my room, and gently closed the door. She clicked on the light. I watched her turn the pages, her wrinkled face almost pressed against the paper. "You wrote so much just to curse me. Did you hate me that much?" I saw a tear hit the paper. She quickly dabbed it with her sleeve, trying not to ruin the ink. She wiped her eyes, but the tears wouldn't stop. She sat on the edge of the bed. The yellow light highlighted the ivy-like wrinkles on her face. Nana looked so old. Her eyes were hollow. She whispered, "But isn't this how everyone lives?" "Harper... my mother taught me this. Boys have to be taken care of better than girls. Was I really wrong?" "You're gone now. Why are you still scolding me? Why didn't you tell me when you were alive?" I looked at her pain and didn't know what to say. I wouldn't have said anything alive. I put everything in the book because no one in this house would listen. To them, my feelings were rebellious. Incorrect. "Harper, be a boy next time. Just be a boy. Girls are born to suffer these things." "Boys have it good." Nana’s voice was low, repeating it over and over. The room had no windows. The air was suffocating. Nana was bound by the chains of her generation. She never went to school. She worked in the house all day. She didn't know that the ideas everyone followed in her time were obsolete. Her educated husband never told her. Her educated son just wanted to be 'filial.' The world moved on, but Nana was held back by the old ways. Left behind. She truly believed boys were more precious than girls. Maybe Nana wished she had been born a boy, too. I had some memories of Nana being good to me. Not many, but they existed. When I was little, we were poor. Other kids had candy; I was envious. If they dropped a piece, I’d check if anyone was looking, pretend to pick up a toy, and pocket the dirty candy. I’d wash it in the sink at home and eat it. It tasted like tap water, but it was sweet. Mason didn't have to do that. He had allowance. One day, I was eating a washed candy while Nana picked vegetables. She asked if I found it. I smiled and said yes. "It's good." She said, "Don't pick stuff up anymore. You don't know if those people have diseases." I didn't know if they had diseases, but I was sickly. I drank bitter herbal concoctions all the time. It was so bitter it made me want to vomit. But after that day, every time I drank the medicine, there was a piece of candy. Small, but enough to kill the bitterness. I found out later Nana brought them home from weddings or diners. She’d shove handfuls of mints into her pocket, ignoring the weird looks from other guests, just to bring them to me.
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