Three years after breaking up with my childhood sweetheart, my mother cooked his favorite meal: hairy crab. "Lily is coming over today. Don't cause a scene with her." Lily was the poor student my mother adored. Caleb was the boy I had loved for ten years. Seeing me sit silently in my wheelchair, my mother raised her voice, trying to mask her guilt: "Lily changed your college application back then for your own good. But becoming a war correspondent was your own choice. You can't blame others." I just smiled and said calmly: "Mm." "I can't reverse the past, but I am moving forward, after all." 1 Seeing that I didn't throw a tantrum or scream like I used to, my mother still wasn't reassured. She continued to hammer her point: "Lily and Caleb have a great marriage. Don't you dare become the third wheel. I can't afford to lose that face." My mother had always been like this. Always standing on the outsider's side. Treating her own daughter like an enemy to be guarded against. Caleb met me first. We were neighbors, childhood sweethearts. We grew up holding hands. He kissed me under the jacaranda tree and confessed his love. We always liked each other. He said he would definitely marry me. But my mother, who was also my homeroom teacher, brought the impoverished student Lily home. From that day on, she permeated every corner of my world with Caleb. My mother took half the credit for this. Whether I went to the library or shopping with Caleb, she insisted I bring Lily along. She was even the witness at their wedding. I opened a bag of cucumber-flavored chips, my gaze indifferent. "Mom, if you're so worried, why force me to come back here to recover?" "You ungrateful girl, your wings have hardened, dare to talk to me like that?" She habitually raised her hand, wanting to poke my forehead. I turned my head to dodge. Someone was punching in the code at the door. My mother switched to a smiling face and went to welcome them. 2 Lily and Caleb walked in, fingers interlaced. "Ms. Yan, I can smell the food! Sorry we're late, couldn't help you out." "Good children, come in quickly. I made Caleb's favorite hairy crab, and your favorite scrambled eggs with onions." Entering the living room, they seemed to finally notice my existence. Lily, just like the first time she came to my house, subconsciously shrank back. As if I were some monster that eats people. My mother glared at me, signaling me not to put on a cold face and to greet the guests. I didn't move. Caleb instinctively looked at my foot wrapped in thick gauze, his tone concerned. "Zoe, is your injury better?" I nodded politely. At the table, my mother seated them in the best positions to reach the dishes, then ordered me: "Go to the fridge and get the mango juice. It's Lily's favorite." Lily glanced at me and spoke awkwardly: "Ms. Yan, no need." "Are you worried about her leg? Ignore it. She deserved it, running off to such a chaotic place abroad." "No, it's just that I can't drink cold things today, and I can't eat crab either." Lily touched her lower abdomen, looking shyly at Caleb, announcing she was pregnant, just three months along. Caleb lowered his eyes, his expression unreadable. My mother was more excited than if she were pregnant herself, rattling off a list of precautions, wishing she could have Lily move back here to rest. "I still kept your room. Caleb won't be home for lunch, you can come over to eat and nap." My home was a small three-bedroom apartment. The day after Lily moved in, my mother used the excuse that Lily had suffered too much as a child to give her my sunny room. During her four years of college, Lily studied in the city and came back often. So, I didn't move back into the room that originally belonged to me. I still lived in the small room without windows. Seeing I didn't react, Lily asked cautiously: "Zoe, are you staying for good this time? Ms. Yan says she doesn't miss you, but she often looks at your photos on social media!" "I so envy you photographing the scars of war in ancient Syrian cities, and chasing armed evacuations in the Libyan desert." "Unlike me, I can only be a useless person pampered by Caleb. It feels like high school again, with Ms. Yan and Caleb giving me special treatment!" 3 In the past, I was easily provoked by Lily's "green tea" bitch words. Because the way my mother treated Lily showed me she had a gentle, maternal side. Unlike the extreme strictness she showed me. I am allergic to onions. But my mother loves them. To test my obedience, for an entire summer vacation, the dining table only had white rice and various dishes stir-fried with onions. Even the chicken soup had to have a few onion petals thrown in. Born into a single-parent family, I never met my biological father. My mother never let me mention him. To what extent? The kind where a mention would earn me an immediate slap in the face. When I was wronged, only Caleb comforted me. For a long time, I had a deep attachment to him. The year I was punished by the onion family, I was ten. Caleb's parents did business out of town, so he asked his grandma to make me egg fried rice. Since then, I became his little glutton. His pockets were filled with milk, strawberry cakes, and spicy strips, feeding me until I was full. We agreed to go to Beijing University together, marry upon graduation, and let Grandma hold a great-grandson early. Until my mother brought Lily home. Her family was very poor. She tested into the city from a remote mountain area with great effort. My mother admired her perseverance, stopped my guzheng lessons, and paid her tuition and tutoring fees. I hated Lily, always using her pitiful look to win my mother's sympathy. I never initiated conversation with her. Caleb patted my head, promising to always stand by my side. Until that day after school, he saw Lily squatting on the playground eating pickles with cold rice. At that moment, his expression was complex, shocked, and unbearable. But at my house, my mother cooked Lily's favorite pasta dishes in various ways. There was no way she wasn't full. Caleb chose his words carefully, as if for my own good: "Zoe, don't you think you're being too petty?" "Your mother is good to everyone, except you. Shouldn't you reflect on that?" I had been gaslighted by my mother for so long that I really started to think it was my problem. At the same time, Caleb used my mother's name to stand me up and tutor Lily. He could also give up celebrating my birthday because Lily said she had never been to an amusement park. I was kept in the dark about all these maneuvers. Otherwise, I wouldn't have maintained a long-distance relationship with Caleb for four years. Until the year of graduation, I came home early with my luggage and saw Lily and Caleb in my room, disheveled and hugging each other. I cried all night, as if my faith had collapsed. Over the four years, Caleb flew to see me many times, vowing to marry me right after graduation. How could feelings change overnight? I screamed and shouted, wanting to kick Lily out. My mother slapped me hard, saying she bought the house, and I had no right to decide who stayed or left. In a fit of anger, I broke up with him and applied to be a war correspondent abroad. My mother not only didn't blame Lily but planned to adopt her as a goddaughter. It was only dropped because Lily's parents didn't agree. 4 I ate a few mouthfuls tastelessly and went back to my room. Behind me came my mother's scolding about my failure to meet expectations, and Lily's subtle adding fuel to the fire. Caleb came in with a plate of strawberries. I ignored him. "Zoe, are you still blaming Lily? You didn't say a word to her today. You're going to overthink things again." If it were before, I would have screamed: Shouldn't I blame her? She changed my college application without permission, stole my boyfriend, and my mother wouldn't even let me call the police, or even get angry at her. When I was hit by stray bullets in Syria and almost died. I figured it out. To people who don't care about you, whatever you say is just air. I remained silent. Caleb thought I was taking my anger out on him and kept explaining: "I always knew Auntie Yan hated Beijing. You wanted to apply to Beijing University to escape her." "Lily didn't want you mother and daughter to fall out, so she memorized your password and changed it for you." Yes! Her "good intentions" changed my Economics major at Beijing University to a niche Journalism major at a university 2000 kilometers away. Caleb was still rambling: "Zoe, even if I had gotten into Beijing University with you, I would have advised you to change your application." I was really annoyed listening to him, so I casually said: "Did you deliberately test poorly to stay and accompany Lily?" His voice stopped abruptly, like a wild duck choked by someone. He didn't know how I knew. Because he never saw clearly that the seemingly strong and innocent Lily was not the little white rabbit he knew at all. After finishing university, when Lily no longer needed my mother's financial support, she sent many messages to provoke me. Like in high school, how Caleb deceived everyone to take her to the amusement park, the movies, and the ocean park I longed for behind my back. During university, Caleb, who got his driver's license, used weekends to take her on trips around the area. If I called to check on him, he would use the hotel curtains to lie.
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