I went to the hospital to pick up my boyfriend from work, but in a ward, I saw my fiancé who had been declared dead five years ago. His hands and feet were tied to the hospital bed, his body covered in self-inflicted wounds. When he saw me, he immediately turned his face away, buried his head in the pillow, and cried for me to leave. He said, "Lily, I beg you, let me go." I vaguely heard doctors and nurses whispering about him. Saying his legs were crippled, his temper violent and gloomy, a freak. My heart ached dully. In the five years since Chris broke up with me abruptly and news of his death came, I had fantasized countless times about the scene where Chris appeared in front of me again. There was the image of him walking towards me with that dashing posture like that summer when we were eighteen, holding my hand and taking me home. There was the scene of him holding fresh flowers running passionately towards me. There was even him getting married and having children, living a happy and fulfilling life. The only thing I hadn't thought of. Was that the proud son of heaven in everyone's mind back then, the wantonly proud Chris. Became cowardly, gloomy, humble. Living a life worse than death. 1 When I went to pick up my boyfriend from work, just as I got off the elevator, I heard a painful low roar. Doctors and nurses rushed past me. I subconsciously glanced over, and it was this glance that froze me on the spot. On the snow-white sheets were large patches of blood. The person on the bed was pinned down firmly by four or five doctors. I didn't know what I was stubbornly looking at. This figure looked like him, but I knew better than anyone that it couldn't be him. When the emergency bed bumped into me, I came back to my senses from the pain, but in the moment I looked up, I saw the side profile on the hospital bed. It was a pale face, so thin that the eye sockets were deep, lips bloodless. The most important thing was his eyes, despairing enough to suffocate. The moment I saw his side profile, all my strength seemed to vanish. I fell backward caught off guard, hitting the cold wall heavily. Ignoring the embarrassment and pain, I hurriedly scrambled up from the ground, stumbling to chase the person on the gurney. He looked like my... Chris! I stood outside the operating room, not knowing where to put my hands and feet. I knew better than anyone that Chris had left me five years ago. His suicide note had been under my pillow for five years, but I just couldn't bear to leave. I was raised by Chris. My parents didn't want me. Since childhood, the only people I depended on were Chris and Grandma. After Grandma passed away, I only had Chris left. Five years ago, we decided to get married. The wedding was set for September, the month we met. But just a few days before the wedding, I received his suicide note. A thin piece of paper weighed a thousand pounds, crushing me so I couldn't straighten my back, pressing the blood in my internal organs to churn upward. It hurt so much that crying and screaming with all my strength was useless. I read that suicide note thousands of times. I knew every word on it, but even after reading it for five years, I still couldn't accept it. Why couldn't my healthy Chris come back! We were obviously about to get married! With a snap, the operating light went out. Not long after, the sound of wheels rubbing against the floor came from far to near. I tried hard to support myself against the wall and slowly stood up. Finally, the door opened. The quilt on the gurney still had blood stains, meandering upward. As the wheels turned, his features were gradually exposed to my sight. I pounced on him almost instantly. "Chris!" I shouted his name loudly, clutching his hand tightly. I couldn't believe that Chris, who had been dead for five years, was right in front of my eyes now. The person in front of me was decadent and terrible, far from my Chris, but in this life, I would never mistake Chris. "Chris, I'm Lily! Chris!" Soon people came to pull me away. They pried my hands open to force me to let go. I shook my head crying, "Can't let go! That's my Chris!" Chris was eventually pushed into the observation room, no visits allowed. I lay on the glass watching him. I don't know how long passed before the doctor let me in. At this time, the person on the bed was slowly waking up. His empty eyes looked ahead, lost and despairing. "Ch...ris..." I could barely call his name clearly. He suddenly turned his head, his empty eyes slowly focusing. From surprise, doubt, to pain, but in an instant, the moment he saw me clearly, he almost immediately turned his face away, buried his head in the pillow and choked out, "I beg you, don't look at me!" "Go!" 2 I experienced the cruelest childhood, but with Chris's company, I worked hard every day. Worked hard to study, worked hard to live. I learned of Chris's feelings when we were in college. I was targeted by him on the first day of school. Such a reckless person confessed to me directly the next day. The love hidden for more than ten years came surging and passionate. Chris at that time was young and successful. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to describe him as young and frivolous. He blocked me directly in the cafeteria, "Be my girlfriend, okay? Speak! Mute?" I was burying my head in food, cheeks bulging, scared by him into forgetting to chew, only a pair of eyes rolling around looking at him, like a squirrel. Chris had a black face, tone unkind, "Nod if okay, if not..." He raised an eyebrow, "Which hospital is the last person who said no to me in again?" Watching his gradually tightening fist, I nodded like pounding garlic and agreed hurriedly. So our love officially began with Chris snatching a civilian girl. But who would have thought that the arrogant Chris was actually a clingy monster, different from his past strictness and coldness. After falling in love, if I didn't reply to a message for a minute, he could put out a campus-wide warrant for me. If I didn't return a call for three minutes, he could detonate the earth. The most important thing was, if I didn't let him hold hands, he would make a fuss. If I didn't let him hug, he would make more fuss. I was like a mother, coaxing him every day. Chris especially liked taking pictures of me. His phone album was full of me. I accidentally discovered that before he confessed, he had already secretly taken many photos of me. Chris, known as a tyrant outside, even school dogs would retreat three houses away seeing him, but such a person loved to act coquettishly the most. "Lily, hug me, hurry up! I'm so handsome, don't you want to hug me?" "Lily baby, your handsome boyfriend needs a kiss from you." After dating for many years, Chris was so narcissistic that no one could compare. He often shamelessly asked me, "Why did you agree to my confession so readily back then? Did my face conquer you? Did you have a crush on me long ago?" "Tsk tsk tsk, after all, I'm young and beautiful, no one can refuse." Watching him posing in front of the mirror in Pink Panther pajamas, I held my forehead, "Was that a confession? It was simply intimidation! I succumbed to your lustful power!" "Say that again, Lily Lin, you're rebelling! See how I deal with you!" Instantly, the Pink Panther pajamas flew around, and Chris's body gradually pressed down... Chris said he could listen to me on everything, except breaking up. He couldn't stand those two words. He proposed to me in the fifth year of our relationship. The room was full of photos he took for me, from the first confession, first hand-holding, first kiss... I looked at them one by one. The door opening sound rang. He was wearing a suit I had never seen before, holding his favorite osmanthus flowers, walking step by step. Such a romantic atmosphere, but as soon as he opened his mouth, it was like an interrogation. "Lily, you know I'm a good guy! Marrying me isn't a loss, so, marry me!" I stared blankly at the person in front of me. Seeing no reaction from me, he scratched his head, face sinking, tone carrying a threat, "If you don't agree, I'll!" Spoiled by him all these years, my back was straight. I straightened my neck, "You'll what?" Chris slowly knelt on one knee, dropping all airs, voice softening a few degrees, "Then I'll beg you. Brother kneels for you. Don't know what spell you cast on me, I can't live without you, can't live at all." Seeing me smile, he got more excited, "Anyway, I want to marry you, only marry you. Lily, pity me. I'm not young anymore, marry me, okay?" The moment he saw me nod, Chris said he suddenly felt this life was worth it. Said he finally got what he wanted, marrying the girl he had liked for many years. I also wept with joy because I married the person who loved me most in the world. We were busy like ordinary couples preparing for a wedding, but I received his suicide note the day before the wedding... I don't remember how I got through it. Walking dead, dull and numb were too light. I just felt this life was completely over. 3 "Chris, I'm Lily!" Chris turned his head away, refusing to look at me, only roaring for me to leave. I only took a step closer, and he actually pulled out the IV bottle at once, rolled off the bed, stumbling and trying to get out while supporting himself against the wall. Spotted blood stains gradually increased with his unsteady steps. I admitted defeat. "I'll go! Stop moving, please... don't hurt yourself!" I ran out of the ward without looking back, but my limbs seemed not to obey me. On such a flat road, I fell several times, and finally didn't even have the strength to stand up. I sat blankly on the ground, tears streaming down my face without knowing. I couldn't figure out why he didn't come to find me when he was alive. I couldn't figure out even more, Chris, who was so reluctant to leave me, who couldn't live without me, who would rather do all kinds of odd jobs and almost didn't go to school himself just to let me go to school with peace of mind, actually drove me away the first time he saw me? Dr. Zhang found me downstairs in the inpatient department. Seeing my soiled clothes and mindless state, he frowned slightly and asked worriedly, "What happened?" I turned my head slowly, seeing the person in front of me clearly, I grabbed his clothes at once, "Chris is still alive! He's right in this hospital! He's on the third floor!" Thinking of Chris tortured out of human shape, my tears gushed out at once. "He's in pain, he hates hospitals the most, I want to take him home! Yes! I want to take him home." No one knew that Chris, who feared nothing, was actually the most timid! He only started to become strong and reckless in order to raise me. Just as I stood up, I was pulled by Dr. Zhang, "Lily, calm down." I shook off his hand, "I can't calm down! That's Chris! Dr. Zhang, that's Chris! How do you want me to calm down? I want to take him away. He's not living well here, he's covered in wounds..." "Chris can't be discharged. He has severe suicidal tendencies! He will die!" Dr. Zhang's words were like a basin of cold water poured over my head. I turned stiffly, sanity slowly returning, "You are a doctor in this hospital, you knew he was here long ago, didn't you? You know better than anyone how I lived those five years, but he was in a place so close to me, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me!" "I thought he was dead! He disappeared for five years, I lived a life worse than death for five years!" I beat Dr. Zhang as if venting. Dr. Zhang suddenly grabbed my hands, eye sockets bloodshot, as if throwing caution to the wind, "It's him who doesn't want to see you!" 4 After going home that night, I sat on the bay window for a long time. In the opened wardrobe was a suit, that was Chris's wedding suit. The red bed sheet next to it was carefully selected by him for the wedding, with the pattern of loving for a lifetime. He had long prepared to spend his life with me. We had long become the most important people in each other's lives. Chris he... why let go halfway? I hugged the huge teddy bear beside me. It was wearing Chris's clothes, making me feel at ease. I unconsciously leaned into its arms, tears gradually soaking its clothes. "Chris, you fool!" Early the next morning I found Dr. Zhang. I got straight to the point, "Sorry, Dr. Zhang, I want to cancel the engagement." Dr. Zhang took off his glasses, eyes full of red blood streaks after staying up late. He opened his mouth, finally sighed, "Lily, do you want to force Chris to death?" "I... I just want to take good care of him, how would I force him to death?" Dr. Zhang signaled me not to be so excited, "Lily, after Chris disappeared, he was tortured alive for two years. His body was covered with knife wounds or whip wounds and even burns, and his fingers were chopped off..." Dr. Zhang didn't continue, but I had already thought of the worst answer. Such a good Chris, how could he experience these, how painful he must be! "When he was found three years ago, his immune system and organ functions were severely damaged. It's very likely to get kidney failure, more terrifyingly, contract uremia, or direct heart failure." "Besides physical problems, he also has huge psychological problems. The proud son of heaven reduced to a cripple, biological parents died because of him, fiancée almost committed suicide due to depression because of him. The double torment of body and mind makes him very painful." "Painful enough to really want to die." With every sentence Dr. Zhang said, my heart grew colder. "Chris was transferred here two years ago. He begged me to keep my mouth shut to you. He knew you lived no better than him these years, so he felt very guilty and didn't want you to see his most wretched appearance, afraid you would pity him, even more afraid of destroying the perfect Chris in your heart. He only wanted you to remember that bright boy free as the wind, and then, watch you live well." My body was instantly weak. Fortunately, Dr. Zhang supported me with quick eyes and hands, but took me out of the office towards the rehabilitation department. In the special care ward, I saw Chris covered in tubes, relying on countless machines to maintain life. I covered my mouth in disbelief, "Yesterday he was clearly..." "Because of your appearance, stimulating him to commit suicide again. He used a razor blade to cut his artery, locked himself in the toilet, only discovered when blood flowed out. He is dead set on dying!" At that moment I lost the ability to think and act. My whole person stuck to the wall, not letting myself fall. Dr. Zhang put his hands in his pockets, voice cold, "Lily, if you really love him, stay away from him. Don't stimulate him anymore, he will really die." "After learning you were engaged, the guilt in his heart only lowered slightly. If you cancel the engagement at this time, he will automatically attribute all mistakes to himself and punish himself with cruel means." I dreamed more than once that Chris lay in front of me like this, motionless. That was the nightmare of my life. Dr. Zhang turned back when leaving, "Lily, if you want to cancel the engagement, I have no objections, it's all up to you."
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