I suffered from severe bipolar disorder. In three years, I had attempted suicide countless times. It was Sebastian who held me tight, his voice choked with emotion: "Nina, can you hold on a little longer, just for me?" After enduring countless rounds of electroconvulsive therapy and swallowing bottle after bottle of pills, I was finally able to leave the hospital on my own. But then, I ran into Sebastian, his face dark, watching a girl being embraced by another man. "Chloe, come here." "No, you're just using me as a substitute. I hate you, I don't want to be with you!" He dragged the girl over, biting her lips fiercely and urgently. "Then who do you want to be with? In this life, you can only belong to me!" The iris in my hand fell to the ground and was crushed underfoot. So dirty. Looks like I can't give it to him. 1 I sat dazedly on the hospital bed. The image of Sebastian coaxing me kept replaying in my mind, refusing to fade. "Nina, I'm late. How are you feeling today? Anything uncomfortable?" Sebastian walked in with a smile, put down the things in his hand, and instinctively held my hand first. Seeming to feel my hand was too cold, he blew warm air onto it and thoughtfully tucked it under his coat. "Chocolate-covered strawberries are really popular lately, a lot of girls love them. I compared several places and found one with great reviews to buy for you." He opened the box. Several skewers of fruit lay inside, wrapped in a crystal-clear sugar coating. "There are strawberries, blueberries, and hawthorn. Which one do you want to eat first?" He looked at me, his eyes bright. I opened my mouth, but that dull sadness surged from my chest again. In the past, he was busy with work and taking care of me; he would never have paid attention to such things. It must be that she liked them, so he went out of his way to buy them. "This one." I pointed randomly at a skewer and took a deep breath to relieve the pressure, but it only made tears swirl in my eyes. "What's wrong?" "Are you feeling emotional again?" He held my hand tightly, his eyes full of worry. "Don't be afraid, I'll go get the doctor." I grabbed the corner of his shirt, making him squat down. Sebastian asked me helplessly. "Is it still very uncomfortable? If it's hard, we won't leave the hospital yet, okay?" Looking at his gentle and worried face, I shook my head. I just wondered how a person's heart could be split in two, so gentle to me while simultaneously possessing such paranoid possessiveness for another woman. 2 Since I was hospitalized, Sebastian had taken meticulous care of me. Spring, summer, autumn, winter, there was always a fresh bouquet of flowers in my ward. No matter how many times I knocked them over during an episode, he would always cup my face and comfort me softly, "It's okay, Nina. Do you not like chamomile? Shall I bring tulips next time?" To make me feel better, he racked his brains for various methods, bringing me my favorite yogurt, singing my favorite songs even if he was out of tune, and cooking my favorite dishes tirelessly... Afraid I would remember those terrible things from the past, he forbade anyone who visited me from mentioning them. He took care of me wholeheartedly for three years. Some people advised him not to waste his life, to find a good girl and start a family early. Sebastian would always darken his face and scold them coldly. He said, in this life, he only wanted me. The day I got better, we would get married. My condition improved a lot, and the doctor said I could be discharged independently. I could finally marry him. But, the person he wanted to marry probably wasn't me anymore. I looked at his face and snapped out of my trance. "Leaving the hospital today. It's your birthday. We agreed to celebrate at home." He hesitated for a moment, then smiled and patted my head. "Okay, Nina, let's go home. I'll handle the paperwork." 3 I sat in the ward, waiting for a long time, but he didn't return. Instead, I got a call from the delivery guy. The birthday cake I ordered was delivered downstairs because I forgot to change the address. When I went downstairs, I saw Sebastian arguing with the girl from earlier. He stood in the wind with his hands in the pockets of his brown coat, shielding the angry girl from the wind. "You said you'd come with me, but you went back on your word again!" "Sebastian, you can't be like this. This makes me feel like I still can't compare to her, that she will always be more important to you." Her tone was impulsive but carried a hint of spoiled willfulness. That look made Sebastian curve his lips, scraping the girl's nose helplessly and fondly. "Who do I like the most? Don't you know?" "Okay, okay, don't frown. Frowning causes wrinkles, and if you get wrinkles, you'll cry again." The girl was teased until her cheeks were flushed, and she hid shyly in his arms. Sebastian held her, a relaxed and happy smile on his face. I hadn't seen him smile like that in a long time. These three years, he was always tired, nervous, and uneasy. Even the smiles he squeezed out to reassure me were stiff. I tightened my grip, my fingernails scraping my skin repeatedly. It seemed that only such soreness could distract from the sourness in my heart, so I wouldn't want to cry so much. 4 Just as I turned to leave, my eyes met Sebastian's. Confusion, panic, and guilt intertwined on his face. Sebastian pushed Chloe away abruptly and ran towards me in a panic. "Nina, why did you come out alone? We agreed you'd wait for me to pick you up." He forced a smile, his voice trembling. I didn't answer, my gaze falling into his guilty eyes. I clenched my fists involuntarily. "Sebastian!" Chloe, with her hair in a bun, approached unhappily. "You're abandoning me for her again. What exactly am I to you?" She glared with round eyes, her tone dissatisfied. "Today you must choose between this mental patient and me. If you choose to accompany her... then never come looking for me again." "Chloe! Watch your mouth." "You actually yelled at me." Her voice was aggrieved, and she quickly turned her gaze to me. "You must be Nina." "Your illness isn't Sebastian's fault at all. Why do you have to drag him down like this?" "He's given enough for you. Why do you have to keep delaying him? He has his own life. What right do you have to be so selfish?" She accused me with dissatisfaction. I stood there, at a loss. "I... I didn't." My defense was cut off forcefully by Chloe as soon as it left my mouth. "You say you didn't. Do you believe it yourself?" She sneered, looking like she felt Sebastian wasn't worth it. "For you, Sebastian gave up almost everything! To get you better medicine, he sold the company he worked so hard to build. To cook for you, his hands were covered in blisters..." "To make you feel better, Sebastian wronged himself time and again. But he is a person too; he has emotions too." "You can turn a blind eye, but my heart aches. He is my boyfriend, and I won't allow you to torture him, to trample on him like this anymore!" Veins popped on Sebastian's forehead, his fists clenched tight, but he refused to utter a word of rebuke. "Chloe, you go back first." "No, I still have things to say." I gritted my teeth, desperately picking at the uneven scar. Only when my fingertips felt the sticky wetness did the dull pain get suppressed. Speaking deeply, Chloe got emotional and grabbed me. "I beg you, let Sebastian go! Stay away from him in the future. I'm really afraid your illness will kill him." Her fingertips pinched tightly, and her eyes turned red too. Veins popped on Sebastian's forehead, his hands hanging by his sides clenched into fists, looking at Chloe with forbearance and heartache. His silence was like a sharp knife piercing my chest, bloody and raw. Bitterness spread from the corners of my mouth. Is that what he thinks too? The argument attracted quite a few people. The dark crowd and noisy voices made me just want to flee this place, not letting anyone see me. "Let go of me!" I looked at my hand, scratched bloody by Chloe, and couldn't control my scream. Chloe pursed her lips, very dissatisfied with me. When her gaze touched my neck, a glint of cunning appeared. She suddenly yanked the jade pendant from my neck. A sting of pain, and the white jade pendant fell into her hand. "No." "Unless you promise never to pester Sebastian again and apologize to us solemnly, I'll let you go and return the jade pendant." People around shouted in support, saying I indeed should apologize. She dangled the jade pendant, a hint of arrogance on her pretty face. I didn't want to argue more, turning my gaze to Sebastian. That jade pendant was a gift from him the day we defined our relationship. At that time, he was very poor, but he spent all his money to buy this jade pendant at a temple, hoping for my smooth and healthy life. Sebastian's thin lips were pressed into a tight line. He reached out to grab it back, but froze when he saw the girl's stubborn, puffed-up cheeks. His slender fingers paused in mid-air, and he sighed helplessly. "Nina doesn't want it anymore, okay? We'll go buy another one, pick a white jade with higher purity than this." My heart skipped a beat, stunned for a long moment. When we were nineteen, he knelt and bowed with a smile, praying to every god to bless me with happiness and joy for a lifetime. Those scenes seemed right before my eyes, yet also like passing clouds. Bitterness spread at the corners of my mouth. I looked at him, tears falling unknowingly. "You said I don't want it anymore," I said softly. "Then I don't want it." Sebastian froze on the spot. His gaze fell on my pale, tear-streaked face. He struggled, clenching his fists. He spoke, his tone turning cold: "Chloe, give the jade pendant back to Nina." Chloe bit her lip in disbelief. "Sebastian?" "Give it back to her." Sebastian lowered his head, daring not look her in the eye. Chloe suddenly laughed. She threw the jade pendant at me angrily. "Fine!" The jade pendant hit the ground, cracking in a few places. Lying on the ground, not shattered. My suspended heart landed. "Sebastian! I just don't want you to go on like this. Since you side with her, then forget about us. I don't want to be anyone's backup forever!" She slammed into me viciously, stomped on the jade pendant, and ran away angrily. The jade pendant shattered along the original cracks. "Chloe!" Sebastian watched her back, his face livid. "You shouldn't have argued with her." His words were full of blame. "It's just a piece of white jade. We can buy another one. Why make it difficult for her?" With that, he chased after her without hesitation. Picking up the fragments of the jade pendant one by one, I held them, letting the sharp pieces pierce my skin bit by bit. I tightened my grip as if I couldn't feel the pain. Actually, it's better broken. Unlike Sebastian and me, two people who seem intact but are already riddled with holes. The people watching the drama hadn't dispersed, staring at me. "Does this girl really have mental problems?" "Doesn't look like it." "This kind of illness is all in the brain. It's scary when they go crazy." "Psycho." A child threw a walnut at me. I had endured such malice countless times. The faint sourness in my heart couldn't help bubbling up. I walked back to the hospital expressionlessly, my palm already red, blood dripping down my hand.
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